Please Quit Making New Yacht Rock, Before It Is Too Late!

Yacht Rock:  Hall and Oates, Kenny Loggins, Michael McDonald

New Yacht Rock:  Sebastien Grainger, Yacht Club, Cadence Weapon

 Yacht Rock.  The name alone conjures images of the Pacific Ocean dotted with boats covered in a white powdery substance. Thoughts of captain hat wearing, unattractive, well oiled, men in retina scorching floral patterned shirts, white shorts, and white shoes getting Frazetta girls – whose bikinis are so tiny, it makes one look down, at their own shoes to make sure these women have not appropriated ones shoe laces as swimwear – incredibly messed up.

  It was the 80’s, but everyone could see the 90’s from where they stood.  The buzzkill called grunge was still hiding behind a dumpster somewhere.   Everyone wanted to be stock brokers.  Uzis, ninjas, and BMX bikes were damn near everywhere you looked.  No one realized that Short Circuit was an incredibly racist movie.  Cops solved crimes by punching tables.  People could get on a plane with a two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper, hell why not two bottles because type-2 diabetes didn’t exist yet.

 When I hear yacht rock, a warm soothing happiness emits from the center of my being and enshrouds me in a fuzzy warm blanket of nostalgia.  My feet start tappin’ and my jaw starts flappin’.  I was an eighties child and by that I mean I was born in the seventies and became sentient sometime around 1985.  The sweet sounds of yacht rock take me back to a time when my friends and I had Genesis versus Nintendo conversations daily.  To a time when I had time to draw maps, tea stain them, and burn them for our Dungeons and Dragons games.  To a time when I started to find girls having significantly less cooties than in previous years.  To a time when I wanted to be an astronaut because I still had hope, and we still had NASA.

   Recently, the yacht rock sound has been making a bit of a comeback.  I love new yacht rock!  I’m not tired of it, but I know that I will get enough of it because every hipster within hundred mile radius of wi-fi connection is going to trade in their banjos and buy back their synthesizers and start recording tracks.  Which is fine, chase your dreams, do what you feel, whatever that means.  But for the love of ‘stache wax and home brewing please don’t flood the market with yacht rock!

  Don’t water it down, it is too damn awesome.  Every time a sound gains popularity tons of musicians shift toward that sound.  Some do it for the love, others do it for the chance of getting a record deal, and others do it to be more ironic than anyone else.  I’m not attaching an arbitrary number to the yacht rock limit.  I am imploring musicians to stop making it when we turn on the radio and hear a metric eff-ton of yacht rockish songs within an hour.  If every part of you, including your no-no’s, is screaming to make yacht rock, do it.  Perhaps you could make a sub-genre like death yacht rock, Tennessee yacht rock or just maybe play for your cat on your private YouTube channel.