Forget about the market share war that Coke and Pepsi have been diligently waging for so long that it has been reduced to semi-annual flippant vollies of superfluous references to a once glorious and holy war. Forget about caffeine addled dipshits flippin’ cars over elephant riding grandmothers, while they tip back cans of Mountain Dew. Forget about every pop that is orange or purple, I have nothing to say about them, just forget them. But don’t you ever forget about Dr. Pepper. If you aren’t drinking Dr. Pepper, you are missing out on something special, that you will never be able to get back.
Dr. Pepper. Twenty-three flavors, I don’t know what they are. I doubt I could pronounce them all, but those twenty three flavors provide a rich full bodied flavor that Pepsi’s one note bittersweet flavor and Coke’s even more bitter and less sweet taste cannot compete with. Eat steak while drinking Pepsi or Coke and each bite will be contrasted with mediocre flavor that bad touches your tongue and the high acidity of Coke that assaults your taste buds, knocking them senseless. Drink Dr. Pepper while eating steak and you will be pleased with the complementary full body flavors of vanilla and cherry with a caramel after taste. Your taste buds will become super powered like a nerd getting bit by a radioactive spider! Bouquets and textures that were imperceptible before now stand before you, naked wanting to lock in a lasting and meaningful embrace.
Even better, Dr. Pepper doesn’t just go well with steak, Dr. Pepper can be paired with anything! That is a feat that wine had to make two all encompassing genres to do. But after it still wasn’t enough and wine had to make rose, ice, and dessert wines. When Dr. Pepper made a second type, it wasn’t because people were having problems guzzling down cans of it while eating three course meals of mozzarella sticks, fillet mignon, and a big ole slutty piece of chocolate cake. The second type was Diet Dr. Pepper, and the reason was people were getting fat from drinking so much Dr. Pepper.
Go to a fast food taco joint, if you order Mt. Dew, you are eating Neil deGrasse Tyson knows what in a GMO shell. If you order the same meal, but with Dr. Pepper you will feel like you are eating free range god knows what in an organic grass fed corn shell. You will request that the head chef, Kevin, comes out to your table and show you his GED. You will have an intervention for Kevin which puts him in culinary school and on the road to having no less than three TV shows where he berates people for their inferior cooking skills.
So who is craving a soul refreshingly cold Dr. Pepper in a frosty glass, I know I am. I am sure it will go great with my bran and bananas and everything else I eat today. It goes great with everything and can do no wrong. Alright fine, Dr. Pepper makes Kevin an asshole, but his life is better than it would have been. And as long as he drinks Dr. Pepper he will be fine. Remember this, you can clean the corrosion off a car battery with Coke, you can clean the corrosion off a soul with Dr. Pepper.