To The Helicopter Parents of Seventhia, The Princess and Apparently Future Savior of the World…

  Last Night, my wife and I went to one of our favorite neighborhood restaurants to kick off our anniversary weekend. It will remain nameless as to avoid any negative backlash from this post. There were certainly a lot of people there and one very large, very full table in the back. A table that we would be seated by. At first nothing seemed out of place. We ordered our food, drank tea, and talked. At one point the large table behind me asked me if I could move my seat so their sevenish year old daughter could walk to her mom. I obliged easily enough, blessedly ignorant that I was in the presence of such royalty. Boy would I be embarrassed and lucky to have my hands later.

  A chunk of time passed and I noticed that the waiter kept adjusting the thermostat. It wasn’t hard to notice, it was right behind my wife’s head. What struck me as odd was that he kept adjusting it just a little bit. Turn the fan on, turn the fan off.

  Our food arrived and shortly after we began eating, Princess Seventhia’s stewards pulled out one of their phones and gave it – volume fully cranked – to Seventhia. I think she was just watching a video, but it sounded like she was playing King of Fighters ‘98 – which just happens to have come out on iOS and Android. I digress and thusly take away from the god chosen magnificence of Seventhia.

  My wife and I could barely hear each other speak, due to the table behind us speaking louder than necessary, due to Seventhia needing to be occupied, neigh appeased. I shudder to think what maw of fresh hell would have been opened had they not had that device. Finally, I had built up the gall to politely turn around and ask them to turn it down, but at that exact moment our waiter returned. We had barely been able to say that we were fine and wanted the bill before Airwolf turned around and notified the waiter that Seventhia was now hot.

  He stood there for a moment, assessing his life. Then with the silent scream of a rebel, he turned and walked away leaving the thermostat unadjusted. An treasonous act most assuredly! I can only hope that he still has his hands[1]. I guess we’ll find out next time we go to that place. Preferably without Seventhia and her thralls.

[1] Treason is punishable by removal of hands. This is usually done by dual katana wielding parents spinning like a helicopter and making woka-woka-woka sounds as they move toward the guilty’s outstretched arms.

You Aren’t Perfect, You Never Will Be, You’re Just Okay, Get Better Soon.

  This morning I was drinking coffee and digging through twitter, facebook, and google+. I saw a post that said “imperfect, im perfect, i’m perfect.” Regardless of the literary late term abortion  “im perfect” is,  my anger cores began to lightly hum. Then I slowly began to realize that I may be an asshole.  Here is this image that is trying to say “imperfect, i’m perfect.” Which is what everyone needs to hear these days. You are fat, got hair in the wrong places, smell, sweat, and broke. But is it really?

  No I don’t believe it is. Either way, it isn’t what the egocentric or the uninitiated need to hear.  “Park the Lamborghini over there. Whoa no handshakes! Just fist bumps bro.” Says the douche bag.  “Tomorrow.” Says the person who does just enough at work to not get fired.  “Looks amazing!” Says the instagram photographer. “I’m perfect.” Says the poor soul who just maxed out their second credit card on plastic surgery. You are perfect. You have passed the finished line. Climbed to the top. There is absolutely nothing you can do to be better. Bullshit!

  Perfection is  rarely achieved, except in fleeting moments, that are usually blurred by nostalgia goggles. Perfection is what we should strive for everyday. All we can do is try to get better and go to bed exhausted for putting our best foot forward trying to be best human being possible, striving for perfection. We are all imperfect, but god damnit, we should all strive for perfection!  Even though we will never obtain it. And for that reason, we should love our imperfect selves.

Penis, Penis, Penis, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina: Their Slang Terms And How We Have Been Using Them Wrong.

  Now that I have put myself on the road to be in several people’s Google search results, I would like to talk about the body parts thrice mentioned above. For years we have used slang for such words to express certain human traits. I am talking about dick and pussy – hereby known as Tom Johnson and Vera Dirks – and boy, we have been using them wrong!

  Take for instance pussy, I mean Vera Dirks. It’s three main uses are to emasculate a male, describe extreme weakness, and as slang for a females body part, usually during sex or in pornography. Have you seen a porn? Vera Dirks are anything but pussies in those things! Go ahead try ramming a Tom Johnson with such rabid vigor. Can’t be done. They are tender and fragile things. Why else would Vera Dirks become lubed, dilated and flushed with passion other than to prevent damage to tender Tom Johnsons.

  Which leads me to dick which really has one main use and that is to let a guy know that he is stuffy, fickle and ranging somewhere between mean and evil. Really people, how many times has the mythical Vera Dirks remained elusive? How many times have you just not been able to satisfy a Vera Dirks in a timely manner before you yourself were exhausted or embarrassedly spent? Seriously these things go Rosemary’s Baby once a month. Sending their owners into a weeks worth of pain and suffering. When they don’t, they shoot an eight pound barbed bowling ball at the end of the nine months armistice. Eight pounds! With arms, legs, and lungs! Lungs perpetually filled with air to keep the screaming cranked to eleven. Tom Johnsons can’t even tolerate a one millimeter kidney stone.That’s right, Vera Dirks are dicks! Evil,malignant dicks with an incredible PR department as their popularity has never once wavered in the history of the world. They are still incredibly sought after all these years, regardless of friendships, treaties, and how many people have to die.

  Tom Johnson’s are pussies. I’ve honestly not even talked about them much in this post. They look stupid, have boring derivative personalities, and usually have terrible hair cuts. Tom Johnsons are the bench warming dumb jocks of the anatomy world! You tell them to stand up, they stand up. You tell them to sit down, they sit down. Hell sometimes they just do that on their own at the most inopportune moments. They need to be constantly protected and have all sorts of gear to do so. And yet they are still easily injured and pout after the lightest of taps.

  After this small amount of evidence I can only assume that you will begin the conversion to switching these words to their proper use. It will take time. Sex is going to need to be recontextualized. Maybe you should give that self aware prick at work a compliment and call him a pussy. Enjoy his deflated ego for the week and rest easy that you didn’t insult anyone. Good news for you, he will probably never find this blogpost. Do it! Don’t be dick!

Fat: The Socially Acceptable Word and the People You Can Still Make Fun Of.

  Fat people. They are everywhere, every ethnicity has ‘em and according to the news we will be getting more of ‘em. I could throw some fancy statistic at you showing all of this, but I thought I would give you something to google. What I am concerned with is, even though there is a great amount of our population who are two turkeys this side of Cliff Claven’s – whatever side Norm was sitting on – it is still socially acceptable to hate and fear their condition. A condition that ultimately has the brunt of the blame placed on the person with said condition.

  To prove my point I don’t really need to look any further than our lexicon. We don’t say the “R” word, we say mentally handicapped. We don’t say the “M” word we say little person. We don’t say the “J” word, we say custodian. People seem to be so easily offended these days that there is no shortage of alternative and more “politically correct sounding” words. I am not even sure if should say “gay” anymore and I find myself autocorrecting from “black” to “African-American.”

  That said, there is one word I am absolutely positive I can say twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, in a room full of the “people” I am talking about and that word is “fat!” Let’s face it, obese is not the nice politically correct word for fat. Obese is scientific for “DAYYEMN!” In civilian society, obese means super fat! Fat times two to the power of two! It is true we have “less hurtful and more good natured” ways of saying fat such as: plump, big boned, more to love.  As good natured as they are, they mean the same thing though and they and many more are deemed socially acceptable. Go ahead, call a mentally handicapped person, ”Corky” or a member of the custodial staff, “Mr. Clean” see what happens[1].

  I have also become certain that television was created to make fat people feel absolutely horrible for being fat and skinny people to look on in horror at the alternative to their celery stick eatin’ lives. I can’t watch more than one hour of television on a major non-specialty network without seeing at least one “so, you seem to have a weight issue, what are you going to do about it commercial.” I certainly don’t – nor should I – see commercials for “so you are mentally handicapped, so you are gay, so you are a little person” and so on.  You get the point without me spiraling into stuff that becomes incredibly politically incorrect. Of course there those who will say that the people mentioned above cannot help their conditions – if they can even be considered conditions. Although, some of those people will not cut overweight people any slack and place the blame solely on them.

   I am not saying that people shouldn’t trade the Doritos for a pair of Reeboks, but I have witnessed skinny size zero girls pack away potato chips like a dire squirrel packs away nuts for winter and not gain a god damn pound. While I myself can eat a fun size candy bar, run five kilometers and still see that tasty little fucker’s contribution to my glorious man rack.

  Alright bring it on in for the group hug, time to button this up. What I am really getting at is, with all these parades, days, PSA’s, and societal shifts to be accepted, there is one group that is being left out.

[1] Hey Internet, don’t do this. It is mean.

Neo-Geo Acquired! Mission Accomplished.

  I recently had a birthday. While I don’t feel old, I am sure there is some parent’s hand me down iPhone wielding, tiny plastic skateboard riding, training hipster out there that will notify me that I am not a spring chicken. Anyway, I have been around a while. My wife felt that I should get a gift that matched the occasion. After getting me liquored up she got me to spill the beans on what kind of gift she could procure that would match the gravity of the situation. After we got home, she pulled out her credit card and we placed an order. I, we, are now the proud owners of a Consolized MVS.

  A what? A Neo-Geo MVS, not the Neo-Geo AES! What? A Neo-gatdamn-Geo that was used in the motherstuffin’ arcade. Consolized in a beautiful handcrafted wooden case. It contains the board from arcade machine, but is about the size of a SNES. Plays the cartridges from the arcade and can use any Neo-Geo controller!

  I have been wanting a Neo-Geo since I was about ten, but the console and games were always out of my price range. Sometimes my mom would turn me loose in the mall. My pudgy, horizontal stripe wearing body would propel my large gourd like head to the arcade from time to time. I would stroll around trying to figure out what to spend my few begged for with the promise of chores doing dollars on. There were of course Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Simpson’s, Cadash, and Tecmo Knight to name a few. Then there was the red machine that would cycle through the four games it contained. With every splash screen the machine would yell out what game it was displaying. It was obvious this thing wanted my money. That was the Neo-Geo MVS. I remember playing Ninja Combat and Magician Lord with my cousin and Fatal Fury with my friends. Once I saved up my allowance and rented one. My best friend and I played King of Monsters and Robo Army all weekend long. I could feel the weight of the controller in my lap.  Cartridges required two hands and I swear thunder and lighting should have been summoned as we inserted them.

  Regardless of its age the Neo-Geo is still an incredible machine  sought by collectors. In my opinion it is the pinnacle of 2-D pixel games. A lot of games were made over its fourteen year life with still more being made today. I will be busy gathering up the games that I require and maybe some new ones. Albeit slowly as the games haven’t come down in price all that much. this is seriously a gift for the record books. Thanks Bees, I love you.

By Odin’s Beard, Thor Is A Girl!

  Who hasn’t heard the news. Thor is getting a sex change. I don’t know why. I don’t care how. I’ve never really cared about Thor. And I believe there-in lies the reason.

  Don’t get me wrong. I think it is great that Marvel is seemingly brazen enough to change a character’s gender or swap out the actual character itself as the case may be. Especially with the internet and rampant fanboyism so eager to collectively express its butt-hurt. It just doesn’t seem like enough though.

  I just have three questions for Marvel. Why not a bigger character? You know who I am talking about. Iron Man and Spider Man are both easy to switch.  An additional suit, another radioactive spider. My second question is, why not promote an already established character?  There are so many woman in the Marvel Universe that are just waiting for a full set of looser fitting, fully encompassing clothing and the chance to be taken for more than sexy ass kickers. Finally, why not a Black Widow movie? The Guardians of the Galaxy got movies. I had no idea who those Eh-holes were two years ago. Ant Man is getting a movie. I can’t believe I live in a world where that phrase can be muttered and people care.

  I think they whole idea is cool and current. I just think that women deserve more. I hope that this switch kick starts something bigger. I hope the writers at Marvel really do something fantastic with opportunity. I am fairly certain that they will. Honestly though, this was announced on The View. Why wasn’t the Black Widow movie announced instead? Demographics much?