Penis, Penis, Penis, Vagina, Vagina, Vagina: Their Slang Terms And How We Have Been Using Them Wrong.

  Now that I have put myself on the road to be in several people’s Google search results, I would like to talk about the body parts thrice mentioned above. For years we have used slang for such words to express certain human traits. I am talking about dick and pussy – hereby known as Tom Johnson and Vera Dirks – and boy, we have been using them wrong!

  Take for instance pussy, I mean Vera Dirks. It’s three main uses are to emasculate a male, describe extreme weakness, and as slang for a females body part, usually during sex or in pornography. Have you seen a porn? Vera Dirks are anything but pussies in those things! Go ahead try ramming a Tom Johnson with such rabid vigor. Can’t be done. They are tender and fragile things. Why else would Vera Dirks become lubed, dilated and flushed with passion other than to prevent damage to tender Tom Johnsons.

  Which leads me to dick which really has one main use and that is to let a guy know that he is stuffy, fickle and ranging somewhere between mean and evil. Really people, how many times has the mythical Vera Dirks remained elusive? How many times have you just not been able to satisfy a Vera Dirks in a timely manner before you yourself were exhausted or embarrassedly spent? Seriously these things go Rosemary’s Baby once a month. Sending their owners into a weeks worth of pain and suffering. When they don’t, they shoot an eight pound barbed bowling ball at the end of the nine months armistice. Eight pounds! With arms, legs, and lungs! Lungs perpetually filled with air to keep the screaming cranked to eleven. Tom Johnsons can’t even tolerate a one millimeter kidney stone.That’s right, Vera Dirks are dicks! Evil,malignant dicks with an incredible PR department as their popularity has never once wavered in the history of the world. They are still incredibly sought after all these years, regardless of friendships, treaties, and how many people have to die.

  Tom Johnson’s are pussies. I’ve honestly not even talked about them much in this post. They look stupid, have boring derivative personalities, and usually have terrible hair cuts. Tom Johnsons are the bench warming dumb jocks of the anatomy world! You tell them to stand up, they stand up. You tell them to sit down, they sit down. Hell sometimes they just do that on their own at the most inopportune moments. They need to be constantly protected and have all sorts of gear to do so. And yet they are still easily injured and pout after the lightest of taps.

  After this small amount of evidence I can only assume that you will begin the conversion to switching these words to their proper use. It will take time. Sex is going to need to be recontextualized. Maybe you should give that self aware prick at work a compliment and call him a pussy. Enjoy his deflated ego for the week and rest easy that you didn’t insult anyone. Good news for you, he will probably never find this blogpost. Do it! Don’t be dick!

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