Star Wars: The Force Awakens Teaser Trailer, A Penny For My Thoughts. (Expanded and Revised Edition)

I watched the teaser trailer. I think I may be just the tiniest bit excited now. The whole two handed lightsabre is quite the topic. I mean, it is a zweihander after all.

:14 Is that Benedict Cumberbatch. Well isn’t he the hairy pate Patrick Stewart of 2014! It could be Max von Sydow. I am certain it isn’t Gilbert Godfrey. Although, when the trailer for Spaceballs 2 is released…

:22 “We ain’t found shit!” This is a Spaceballs reference. I also thought that this could be the guy that awoke from dreaming episodes 1-3. Which would be the easiest way to get out of that whole mess and act like nothing happened.

:43 Bocephus-Earl Porkins! Jek’s son is out for revenge. If yes, I am definitely in!

:45 Yeah, this is for sure the official trailer. Hashtag first ten minutes of Star Trek Into Darkness all over again.

:54 HOLY SHIT! A light zweihander! Ermahgerd! Looks amazing! Why didn’t I think of that? Oh yeah, cuz it is a bad idea. Made by the same asshole who thought putting tanks on four, three storey tall legs, was a great idea. In a galaxy far far away. Where form does not follow function. Also, why is sithhead only using one hand for a two handed weapon? Great shot, bad form.

1:00 Yay, the Millennium Falcon is flying! This is great!

1:01 Jesus I am going to blow chunks in the theatre!

1:05 Wait, it isn’t going into space. [Thinks back to :45] Has gravitational force become so strong that ships can’t get off the ground? Have all FTL/Warp/Hyperspace/Floppy drives been replaced with fuel efficient land cruiser engines?

1:09 [Thinks back to :54] Seriously, sithhead is going to get hurt. Darth Stubs does not sound intimidating. Why not broaden up lasery light part a bit and use a “super resistant metal” for the hilt. Sure it would have to be repaired from time to time, but that is life. Taking a lazer sward to a blacksmith sounds more viable that chopping off your hands. Apparently this guy hasn’t seen Astar . Or maybe he is Astar-like! In which case screw my entire argument, that is an awesome light zweihander.

What are your thoughts? Leave them in the comments below.

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I’m So Excited!

  People get so excited when they hear their favorite book, comic book, video game or whatever is going to be made into a TV show, movie, or other media. Regardless of who is attached as writer, director, or any other information. Mere seconds have passed since the announcement. People scream and shake with violent glee as they tweet their own casting calls and scream praise. Who is acting? Who is directing? Who is writing? “Errrrrrmaaaahhhgaaaaahhhhd! Going to be soooooooooo gooooooood.” Alright, who cares!

  Some people may slow down after thirty tweets and twitchily realize the potential for soiling something they love, is huge. Some will never realize it and walk blindly into season two of The Walking Dead. There will be confusion, anger, and people at work talking about the TV show adapted from a book they haven’t heard of. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad those people are watching it. This isn’t about elitism. We aren’t talking about them. [Grabs you by the shirt and shakes] We are talking about you and why you are so fucking excited! The dang thing was just announced via twitter three seconds ago! You don’t know a damn thing except someone is making another version of something you love! Oh look, here is the creepy android version of your mom! Good, but something isn’t quite right. [Lets go of shirt]

  Why get so excited about something you love getting made into another media? It is just another media. A media that quite possibly wasn’t the first choice because it wasn’t the best choice. You love the story the way it is. All six thousand pages! Why condense it to a two hour movie? How can you still be excited when you know they are going to expand a one hundred and twenty page book into a trilogy of three hour movies? You read it faster than you can watch it! What the hell! Casting! Writing! There are so many ways this stuff can go wrong and has. Do we even need to experience this? Could it be like having a coffee grinder that plays “La Cucaracha” when you use it? Mostly unnecessary, although amusing. Why are you so excited with such little information? See how it pans out, then get excited! This way, you won’t be disappointed. I’m just trying to protect you, like a bearded blogging big brother.

  To be honest though, I can’t wait for a Full House comic book. I’ve always wondered what would have happened in season nine. Plus, there could be a Joey vs. Doomsday issue.

  “That would be amazing! I’m going to google a pre-order right now!” You say.

  Don’t! Don’t you dare! You just failed your test! Have you learned nothing?

  “I think Keanu would portray your expansive range of cynical anger in Zweihander Plus Ein, the movie!”

  Don… You really think so? You think my hair is that good? That would be amazing.

  “And R. Lee Ermey would play you as an old man.”

  Now we’re talkin’! That one was bang-on!

  “You know that book you’ve been working would make a great movie and comic book! There is so much story there!”

  Man! You’re totally right! Who do you think would play the main characters? Errrmaahhhgaahd!

 Going to be soooooooooo gooooooood.  Ah, crap!

Embarrassment As A Weapon

 I went to my local comic book store today to pick up Southern Bastards #5 and Rasputin #1. Both of these books are fantastic, but not what I want to talk about. After grabbing both books, I strolled around the store. Allowing Deadpool the chance to seduce me into buying another book. That didn’t happen, but something just as humourous as Deadpool did.

 There was a boy, around fourteen, studiously crouched by collectible card games case. His mom was keeping herself occupied by The Walking Dead section.

  She saw some of The Walking Dead figures, they must have been Kubrick’s. “Oh, look! Lego Walking Dead!” she exclaimed with genuine enthusiasm. Little did she know the shot she just sent over her son’s bow.

  “Those aren’t Legos mom!” Said the kid in an I-shit-you-not stereotypical paradoxical tone that only teenage boys can achieve. Windy long notes with staccatos. Emitted from the chest, through the neck and out the nasal passages.

  “Well they look like Legos.” She replied with a hint of who gives a shit, mixed with the realization that the likelihood of marriage and grandchildren from her child were slim unless we, as humans make really, really good robots.

 “Well they aren’t.”

 “Well they look like the ones we used to buy you.” A mother’s nostalgic plea for acceptance and love.

 “You never bought us legos!” Refusal! Years of Repression. Not cognisant of the fact that his mom has brought him to a comic book store and will bank roll his purchase.

  There was a long pause. My beard hidden grin, began to sulk. She took stock of the situation and used it to her advantage, in an all-out loose the canons, filled with shot and silverware volley. Ship to ship combat. No prisoners were taken.

 I have no idea what metallic click-clackering-thingy-ma-jig she knocked over as she assumedly glared at her son with a coldness that would turn Manco’s[1] testes into a bow tie. Whatever it was, it hit everything on the way down. Two boxes fell off the shelf and hit the floor with thumps that could be heard throughout the store.

  “Oops, oh my,” feigning clumsiness with a shit eating reptilian smirk. Here in the nerd haven. Here in front of an older nerd holding two Image published books[2]. Here in front of a female employee. She had destroyed her son with embarrassment. Leaving nothing but blackened capsized hull.

  I wanted to grab Batman #497[3] and wave it in his face as I danced around him screaming “Boom! Roll a saving throw against that shit!”

 “Hurry up and pick out what you want.” She said with humble victory and love for the defeated.


[1] Clint Eastwood’s character from a Few Dollars More.

[2] Which mean as far as nerds go, he is one of the cooler ones.

[3] Yes I had to google it.