Killer Kitchen

  Renovating is killer. It takes a lot of money and time. We are nearly on a first name basis with the people at Home Depot. Honestly, the last time we went, they said “Two times in three days? Your brave!” and “You’re back, we are hiring! Maybe you should just start living here.” Which one of us might, as we have heard that kitchen renos are pretty damn stressful. Along with that was said, that if you can reno a kitchen and not get a divorce, you can get through anything. Seems like a pretty steep bet. Either way we will need the kitchen renovated, either for our enjoyment or for liquidating our assets.

  If you are a noob like us, kitchen renos can be extremely confusing. There is a lot of different information and varying opinions, depending on who you talk to. We have been told that counters should be done after cabinet refacing, a faux paux at best. Unless you are getting laminate, to which I say, “What do I look like, a slum lord?” We were told to cut the tiles and drywall out of the wall and then patch with a new piece. Which would certainly cause repainting, where there is a slim chance we can remove our tile backsplash and possibly not have to repaint. We have been told that any sink can be undermounted, which simply isn’t true.

  Speaking of the sink, we went to a few different places and kept chickening out or just not finding the right size. We did have some fairly rigid dimensions that we wanted. We could have got them, had we felt like spending a thousand dollars on a sink. Our dishwasher didn’t cost that much and it does that damn dishes for us. A thousand dollars! Are we doin’ blow off of this stainless steel starlet? In the end we got a sink whose box had already been open, they said they would knock twenty bucks off. Twenty minutes later it was forty as there was an inventory system problem. In the end, we paid nine dollars less, including tax, than the sticker.

  My wife had a dream later that night. In it, we were looking at kitchens in other peoples houses. When she first told me, I thought it is kind of weird, but no big deal. That was until she told me that every single kitchen had had a murder in it. Furthermore, that seemed to be the attraction to the kitchen. “Hey, someone was murdered here! Let’s go checkout the kitchen!” It isn’t all due to the stress of the kitchen. It certainly hasn’t helped that she and I have been watching American Horror Story or Hannibal a lot for the past few weeks.

  As of tonight everything has been measured. All of the orders have been put in. The installers and refacers have been hired. The credit cards have been whipped out. It is time to drop our socks and grab our, caulking guns. A bit premature, but we will use them eventually.

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