Ted Cruz: Hashtag Reverse Palpatining

  Ted Cruz recently announced his candidacy for president. My heart slowly slid back down my throat after the doomsday scenario was played in my head. The one that has eighties horror movie synths whirring in the background, while lousy superimposed flames lick around Ted Cruz’s cackling mug, while money from telecom lobbyists rains from above, while I have to pay extra for my blog, that no one can get to. I realized something. Ted Cruz and Pat Buchanan look very similar.

  Go ahead, google it. I will wait here patiently. It can’t be denied can it? It isn’t so much that they look alike, it is that Ted Cruz looks like Pat Buchanan after some heavy plastic surgery. You can see it right? Especially around the eyes and forehead. The chin!

  Pat Buchanan has ran for president several times and was never the guy tapped to get in the ring for the big bout. The sci-fi nerd in me got all titillated at the thought that maybe this is Pat’s time to shine. He hasn’t ran in recent years. It could be interesting if this is his comeback. Reinvented from the ground up. New face! New name!

  Has anyone seen Pat Buchanan lately? Furthermore, has anyone seen Ted Cruz and Pat Buchanan in the same room? I am sure Patty is hanging out somewhere around Fox news. I am not sure, I seldom go there. When I do, I get a burning anxiety, like I am doing something intrinsically wrong. It feels worse than the gaggy bad feeling I get when I go to the polar opposite, Huffpost. Either way, apparently I am some sort of progressive moderate that doesn’t identify with the extremes and I haven’t seen him.

Bill C51: I could say something clever, but they will already know what I am going to say, so what’s the point?

  For those of you not in Canada, Bill C51 is in the same vein as big brother. In a nutshell it wants to increase spying on citizens and give Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) the ability to be a civilian police force on top of its existing spy agency powers. Why is this bad you may be asking? Well, CSIS was created through the actions of the MacDonald Commission which took the existing spy agency powers away from the RCMP. Because there are problems with giving one group too much power, and most certainly so, when given even greater power than the first group that proved incapable of handling too much power.

  If there is too much bureaucracy between these two agencies, that a simple communication from CSIS cannot get the RCMP over to someone’s abode to stop them from doing something not deemed socially acceptable, then that is what should be fixed. Not giving CSIS the near unlimited power to trace someone’s interactions and movements. Then just show up on the doorstep and detain them. Just twitter, no warrant.

  Giving organizations too much power is bad. It isn’t a question of if it goes bad, it is a matter of how long until it goes bad. Right there, in our history books and two paragraphs ago, you will find that we already went through this. Once you slam your hand in the car door, you don’t wait thirty-three years and do it again, even harder. You remember it was a bad idea the first time! We are only human and humans have a tendency to go a bit bat shit when acting in a group and given great power. We are only trying to save us from ourselves. And to prevent CSIS from eventually looking like a bunch of assholes.

  I think the scarey thing is that this bill is being rushed through Parliament. That the Conservatives and the New Moderate, Please Vote For Us, We Have Offspring Party of Canada seem to be in cahoots and aggreance. Which leaves the official opposition, the NDP, and other parties, such as the Green Party to speak for us schmos.

  Has no one up at the top read 1984? Does everyone not see the prophetic scathing cynicism of sci-fi when we do something like this? If you want to know what I am doing, Stephen Harper, follow me on twitter and read my blog. Please share it on facebook, I need my readership to go up.

Killer Kitchen: The Sundering – or – This Is The Part Where: The Drinking Game

  Well, this is the first day of our new kitchen. No, it isn’t finished. This is the part where we start disassembling everything. Knocking out the backsplash. Unhooking all the plumbing. Emptying all the drawers and cabinets. Applying pressure to a pain point. This is the part where we go all in. This is the part where we take our scheduled lives and the freedom to fully use the kitchen outback and shoot them.

  Issues have arisen around the ordering of the cabinets. Days have slipped and the installation date hangs precariously on Friday. Any further pushing will push out the installation of the back splash. A task my father-in-law will be helping me with. Actually, I will be helping him. Handing him stuff and keeping him hydrated, like a bearded nurse assisting Dr. MacGyver. Trowel. Tile. Diet Coke. French fry.

  He lives a day’s drive away and is in town for work. That isn’t a coincidence, it’s the reason why we chose the dates we did. I’ve never installed a backsplash. In the past two years I have learned a lot about the upkeep of our home. Google and I can do just about anything. It’s like The Matrix except, instead of confidently declaring, “I know kung fu,” I instead say, “I have a rough, vaguely foggy, base understanding of why I am swinging this hammer wildly above my head!”

  In general I do okay, at the very least it doesn’t look or behave worse than it did before. Although, that caulking job in the master bathroom looks a bit shoddy. However, that was my first rodeo. An hour later the on suite bathroom and the kitchen caulking jobs looked pro. These last few statements were more for me. A pep talk! A “Let’s win this one for the Gipper!” to myself. Just in case I am left doing this tile with Google and Dr. MacGyver talking me through it on the phone, like we are diffusing a bomb.

  This is the part where I sign off. Loosen the screws and put hammer to flat bar. Time for the climax, the boss fight. This is the part where my wife and I go to Home Depot only twice, if we are lucky. This is the part where we test the tensile strength of our marriage. This is the part where my wife and I become purveyors of calm understanding and infinite love. I got a good feeling about this. I love you honey. See you on the other side.