Hold Time

I love calling big companies. When that automaton on the other end of the line picks up the phone and sends you through list after list of options. After you have sorted yourself out and done the automaton’s job, the automaton returns and states “All of our agents are busy.” Or “We are experiencing higher than normal call volume.” The latter seems to be most common excuse that most businesses use.

Quicker than you can reason with the automaton you are whisked away to the hold line. Where you are serenaded by the unreleased tracks of Jim Brickman’s worst rip off fan. You space out in an attempt to escape your body, trying to transcend space and time. After one and half minutes pass, the automaton returns, sending you hurtling around the sun and back into your body. “We are experiencing higher than normal call volume. Please stay on the line and one of our agents will be with you shortly.”

Right, like I was going anywhere! I find it ironic and amusing that there always seems to be higher than normal call volume each and every time I call. Seems like a staffing issue that management needs to work out. “Did you know that many solutions are available online?” Why yes automaton, I did assume as much. Since I am calling you because my internet doesn’t work though, perhaps you could quit repeating that as an option. Also, are you trying to ditch me?

Ethereal calls of the rare Jupitarian Space Whale cause me to quit my bitching and sachet the cosmos. I traipse around the rings of Saturn and “We are experiencing higher than normal call volume. Please stay on the line and one of our agents will be with you shortly.”

I want to throw my phone across the room, but then I would have to use another phone to talk to another automaton about getting a new phone. Then I would have to call this automaton again. It is a lose, lose situation.

Part of me feels sorry for the people whose jobs were taken by the automaton. Then I think, this may truly not be a job anyone would want. I mean interrupting cosmic bliss every minute to repeat oneself doesn’t sound very fulfilling and buzzkill doesn’t sound good on a resume.

So what do you think? Any amusing quips or tales from the hold line you would like to share?

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