Trump vs. The Raccoons

Recently, I read an article written by a Trump supporter. I just had to know the inner workings of their mind. I thought I maybe I would come to understand what the attraction is. Hell, I thought I may even find, the love. The article was essentially about how Washington has started fail people in order to keep career politicians employed. I agreed with that part. I see a bunch of partisan babies unwilling to compromise, unwilling to do the right thing. Why won’t they move legislation along? Because the other party came up with the idea or because it goes against the hardline definition of what their party stands for.

Which is rather laughable. The party lines have become fairly blurred. Sure they have abortion and guns they can disagree on, but both love them some war, spying on citizens and lobbyists. That last one makes them love whatever their lobbyists love.

I admit the situation seems quite dire and not likely to improve. Even worse, I am certain that whatever we have sown has not fully yielded yet. There are no quick ways to fix it either. Although, I do have one solution that may blow off some steam. I think congress needs to be pulled out on the front lawn with their pants around their ankles and swatted.

The author of the article saw other failings as well. It wasn’t surprising to see refugees and illegal immigration topping the failings list of a Trump supporter. That wasn’t all though, the article went on to say that the country was in debt and seen as weak by other countries.

I can’t argue against the debt part, but I don’t think we are seen as weak. Ruthless, soulless, money-hungry, fat-ass pricks maybe, but not weak. With all the death, destruction and insurgency the U.S. has caused, there is no way we could appear weak. In fact, when it comes to insurgency we are downright inspiring!

All of the author’s ideas were conveyed through a metaphor about raccoon extermination. Basically, the candidates are competing pest removal specialists. All of them are lazy and won’t take the job. Somehow, between xenophobic bouts of turrets and talking about the size of his man-dangler, Trump says he will take the job and guarantees he will get rid of the raccoons that are living the house.

My immediate resolution imagery was that of Trump standing in grimy coveralls in front of a house. He holds a metal box in his hand and twists the knob. Behind him, the house explodes. One of those great fiery explosions, the likes of which haven’t been seen since the cancelation of Miami Vice. One of those explosions that send the boards careening in every direction. Presumably, the raccoons are gone.

The author never went into detail about how Trump would get rid of the raccoons. In fact, the author didn’t seem too pragmatic or care what the answer was. Instead, the author was just fed up and angry with politicians and thinks that Trump is the answer. Which I can see where he is coming from, but disagree on the answer.

I will give the author that Trump’s actions are refreshing in comparison to his competition. Unfortunately, they are as refreshing as a piece of Juicy Fruit gum. While the first few moments of chewing Juicy Fruit border on euphoria, one is ultimately left with a tasteless white thing they have to deal with until they are able to find an appropriate and ethical means of disposal.

By the time I finished the article, I could see the attraction. Hell, I didn’t need the article for that. It’s pretty obvious what the attraction is. The guy is a snake oil salesman! Mostly because he says he will fix everything, but does not provide specifics. Then proceeds to be a base knuckle dragger. He doesn’t inspire people to become better. Instead, he inspires them to drag others down to their level, forcibly in a lot of cases. To be blunt and speak my mind, a trait his supporters love, I did not find love for the hot air billowing busted ass elastic ass bag.

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