Gluten Free and Zero Fuchezes

I bought a bag of Sweet Chili Heat Doritos at the store last night. I can’t remember the last time I had some. I typically don’t buy them because they don’t seem to be all that good for you and they are pretty damn expensive. They also don’t last very long around me and last night may have been a record.

I didn’t care about health or cost yesterday. I was tired of the rain. I was even more tired of bad news. Thoroughly dejected, I strode into Safeway and bought some overpriced gamer gourmet goodness. It took every fibre of my moral being to not tear open the bag as soon as I had paid for it. If it hadn’t been raining and I didn’t want wet chips, I probably would have failed. However, I continued to make saving throws against temptation all the way home. Mostly because I had put the chips in the trunk.

As soon as I got in the door and washed my hands, it was on! The place was in disarray because I just dropped everything and started eating Doritos. My wife sent me a text to let me know she was on the bus. This was when I would typically start warming up leftovers. Not this day though, I was eating Do-fuckin-ritos! I just kept eating and eating.

As I did so, I watched the news, but had no idea what they were saying due to the crunching sounds in my head. In the end, it probably didn’t matter anyway. People are upset, people are dying, and something funny happened on the internet. What did matter, was the bag of Doritos in my hand and keeping the supply line open.

Feeling like I should earn my keep, I started to prepare dinner. Every now and then I would grab another chip or two. When my wife got home, she remarked on how many Doritos I had eaten and we ate real food. However, my dinner was basically ruined. As I was pretty much too full to eat. Even so, I still had room for more Doritos after dinner.

Later on, it was time to bake cookies. I had managed to stay out of the Doritos for a good thirty minutes. When baking though, there are no rules. I got back into that bag. Eventually, there came a point where I realized that I could almost see the bottom of the bag. Only a few typical full sized Doritos remained on a bed of crumbs. Half disgusted and partly amazed with myself, I put the bag away. That is until I started to write this and remembered that some still remained.

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