Tales From The Presidential Suite

In my opinion, November can’t get here fast enough. The U.S. presidential campaign is out of control and anything but presidential. Both sides have gone absolutely nuts. Much of it is constant garbage. It’s like listening to ten year olds fight on the playground and vy for your affection at the same time. When this sort of thing happens in movies, it usually blows up in the ten year olds collective faces. However, for some reason it doesn’t seem to have the same effect on voters when it comes to the next president.

I find it highly irritating how both sides are basically rooting for their favorite sports team in a league comprised of two teams. Both have been around so long that there is an attitude of “My pappy voted for this team and my pappy’s pappy voted for this team.” No one is willing to even listen to what the other side is willing to bring to the table. The R or the D is simply read and the canned response is emitted.

Not that anyone really needs to listen. Because other than guns and religious matters, there isn’t much of a difference between these two parties. A majority of both have been bought out by lobbyists. Both have proliferated war and spying. Sure one is more likely to construct broad sweeping, ambiguously worded legislation while the other is more likely to strip it away. It’s like having one parent say, “Do whatever the fuck you want. Just go to church.” and the other parent say, “The last time we let you do whatever the fuck you wanted, you drew on the wall with a crayon. Now, we have confiscated all writing utensils from the house. Anyone caught with any sort of marking device will be sentenced to life in their bedroom without parole. And at least pretend you went to church!”

Of course these scenarios are undesirable by large majorities of the population. It has been proven time and time again that humans can’t, do whatever the fuck they want and not turn everything into a huge mess. At the same time, we are just one fecalpheliac away from realizing that everyone poops and that – in a pinch – poop makes a good writing utensil.

In some strategy room, a stoned eyed senator who realizes the severity of the situation will say, “My god, we will have to take away everyone’s butts.” Compliant nods will abound. Then the monumental and impossible task of confiscating butts will be unleashed. Of course, not one damn person in that meeting has any idea how to carry out this action. However, the lobbyist for the Butt Control Association, is a happy camper.

So what the hell can voters do? For starters, there are more than two teams and Bernie should have gone with one of those. Gary Johnson and Jill Stein seem like viable places to vote. They seem like reasonable human beings that can answer questions in a normal human way. With words. Not with redundancies and contradictions. Not with smirks as they feel like they successfully zinged the “only other” opponent.

Would it be great to have a woman president? Sure would! Would it be great to have “different” in office? Why not, the current system isn’t so hot. But not the two that are being offered as the only options. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Especially with two candidates who are changing the definition of presidential suite from “The big fancy room.” To “The room that is bloated, sweaty, has hidden cameras, burgeoning closets that are sealed, and the last resident quite possibly had a kill team order against them and they just checked out minutes before you walked in.”



Dernt Terk Er Gerns!

I’ve written several times about gun control. Sure, I’ve seasoned the posts with a dash of my usual dry humor, but they were mostly serious. You can read them for yourself and be the judge. However, if the spirit moves you toward humor, then perhaps you should simply read on.

I received a well written comment a few days ago on one of these serious posts. A fellow Canadian thoroughly buttered my biscuits and pretty much fell in line with things that I said and mentioned a few things that I didn’t fully touch on. In closing he said, “The question is now whether there is a better alternative than bearing arms in order to achieve the objectives that the Founding Fathers envisaged.”

That got me thinking, I’ve always been thinking, but this was more than usual. Plus, I am just pissed off and exhausted over hearing gun enthusiasts defend their god given right to aid in the killing of innocent people whenever the mood strikes them or their creepy kid gets the keys to the gun closet.

What are some alternatives to guns? What are some incentives for people turning in their point and clickers of death? What are some silver medals for ostracized Trump supporters to purchase in a – hopefully – much needed pick me up on November, 9th?

Self-defense lessons at the learning annex – Guns are the remote controls of death and defense. Why not, end the perpetrators life with bad ass martial arts skills? How cool would that be? No one goes to Jason Statham movies to watch him shoot people. We want to see the leg sweep, mid-air throat grab, ground slam, knife to the left ocular cavity!

An interpretive dance course at the same learning annex – Defend yourself through the magic of dances inspired by flamenco and zoomba! Grab that perpetrator and unleash the forbidden powers of the tango. While the rose may be on a, while supplies last basis, who leads is not. Lead the perpetrator to their end by taking and holding them until authorities arrive. Spin and whirl them to the point of disorientation. Never let go! Drag them to and fro across the room. Is that lust in their eyes? Sweep the leg, grab the throat, slam, forcefully place knife or rose in left ocular cavity!

Mascot courses at the learning annex – Why conceal your guns when you can conceal yourself in a man sized red breasted warbler suit? Not to be confused with a giant chicken suit or the giant chicken in the suit, this bad boy allows paranoid cowards to quit worrying about their inherent safety and fall in love with life all over again. This time without the tin foil hat conspiracy theory and inaccurate self-evaluation that makes them feel like they need a gun to fight off the government. On the rare chance that some shenanigans do arise, all one must do is simply flap their wings in a warning fashion and emit a warbling sound. The redbreast will appear and frighten off most non-red-green color blind attackers. If one flaps their arms fast enough, causing the red to flicker, one may cause the onset of a photosensitive seizure, if the attacker is prone to such things. At which point, one will have ample opportunity to sweep the leg, grab the throat, slam, ram the beak into the left ocular cavity.

I came up with all three of these in just a few minutes. What the hell could a team or committee of people come up with? Actually, after the sit-in and several bills being shot down, not much.

Jim Himes Is A Bad Ass

Before tonight, I had no idea who Jim Himes was. In fact, when I saw him trending for not taking part in a moment of silence, I assumed he had done so because he was some sort of hate filled douche canoe. How wrong I was! Turns out he is a Democrat with an actual set of ethical testicles. He walked out on the Republican lead moment of silence because he is tired of it. I agree. Not because of his party affiliation, but because I’m tired of it too.

What good are thoughts and prayers? Not very much when there is a new shooting every couple of weeks. It would seem no one has any productive thoughts and the prayers are going unanswered. Before Orlando, I don’t remember the last time I really took note of the latest mass shooting in the States. I usually get a little flustered. I mean, there is a serious freaking issue, the answer isn’t easy, and a lot of people don’t want to even try to fix it.

I’ve written about gun control before. I’ve read plenty of articles and posts from both sides. I’m of the mindset that civilians don’t need assault rifles. Why do we need guns designed to easily kill people in combat situations? On the off chance the government turns on us? They are going to attack us with drones and smartphones. In case the aliens come back for Trump? They aren’t coming back for him and honestly they can have him and Hillary.

So, what exactly constitutes an assault rifle? I don’t know, how about big two handed mother fuckers that are fully automatic? Any size of gun that shoots many bullets again and again. What about any gun with a high capacity magazine. How about anything that hunters wouldn’t shoot a deer with? What if we simply asked ourselves, “What would Charles Bronson shoot with this?” If the answer isn’t an animal in order to put food on the table, then fuck it!

Regardless, with the fact that pellet guns are viewed as toys because they shoot five feet per second less than a “real” gun, I’m sure we will be unhappy with the ruling to some degree. Anything would be a start though. Anything would be a start? That is how bad this is! I will take a senator farting on a piece of paper as a sign of progress.

Yet, how do we go about catching air with our bare hands? How do we put the genie back in the bottle? How do we go about not alienating the responsible gun enthusiasts, while getting guns away from assholes. I don’t fully know, nor do I get paid to figure it out. However the government does, so instead of being silent, why don’t they pull their hands out of the NRA’s pockets and fix the fucking problem?

Come on gun people! I know this is your passion but for fuck’s sake, your passion is killing innocent people. I’ve read your stuff and I’ve seen the logic in some of your reasons. Sure Chicago works, for some reason. Maybe it is because everyone has a gun, but do we really want to live like we are in the wild west? Yes, the founding fathers said we had a right to bare arms, but they didn’t know about AR-15’s or Sig Sauer MCX’s. Also, the reason to keep guns was to hunt and to protect the country by being a member of a militia. It wasn’t about preparing for the off chance that you may get your very own John McClane moment.

I agree that if some asshole wants to kill people they can find alternate means. However, assholes seem to prefer guns. They are easy to get and easy to use. Trucks of fertilizer take too long to fill, box cutters take too much physical effort, shoe bombs don’t work, and dynamite? Honestly, where the hell does one buy dynamite? Maybe by the time they found some they will have had time to cool down. To get the help they need.



Losing Is Half The Battle

Remember watching G.I. Joe as a kid? I’m only speaking about the show from the 80’s. Well if you don’t remember or you grew up watching one of the newer incarnations, you may be unaware of the PSA segments at the end. There was usually a kid or two, one of them was usually trying to do something that the Joe’s would identify as gateway act to socialism. Something like riding a bike at night without lights or leaving the ignited gas stove unattended.

Thankfully, the Joe’s were a preliminary form of the NSA and always happened to be monitoring the situation from the van down the street. One or two of them would hop to and stop these kids from making the biggest mistake of their lives which would ultimately lead them to voting for Bernie Sanders.

After the Joe’s taught the little brats a lesson, one of the little turds would say “Now I know!” Which was the setup for one of the Joe’s to say “And knowing is half the battle.” Every, single, time. Except that one time that Snake Eyes was the only available Joe. He mostly just stood there and breathed heavily into his mask. Of course no one was able to say they knew anything because Snake Eye’s couldn’t speak to the importance of doubling up on jimmy hats before abstinence voiding sex. All in all, that was a very awkward episode.

In all seriousness though, the Joe’s were full of it. Oh sure, they intervened in one child’s life. Thwarting natural selection and allowing them to grow up, reproduce, and live an unfulfilled life. Years passed, second marriages disintegrated, friends died and then they heard the words “it’s terminal.” In retrospect, I bet they wish they would have ridden their bikes right into the burning maw of that gas stove.

You know who really should have been teaching the kids? Cobra! Especially Cobra Commander. Talk about a guy who didn’t know when to quit and who never gave up. Even though he woke up every day only to get his ass handed to him and lose millions of 1980’s dollars. He still showed up to work with a smile on his face. Sure it was under a hood or mask, but he did it.

He was a smart and charismatic guy. He wasn’t stupid and was fully aware of the odds. Every time he came up with a plan, it would ultimately fail. Usually, this wasn’t the plan’s fault. His soldiers weren’t the best. His tools weren’t the best. There was no way he could compete with the G.I. Joe’s and the burgeoning military industrial complex.

He could have just been a cynical prick with no hope. Instead, he was a cynical prick who gave it all for his job. Probably, just like a lot of you. Punching the clock, working the long hours, losing sleep and stressed. Mind always at work, even while at the kid’s soccer game. Working a dead end job, spouses cheating on each other with the gang banging neighbors, chronic premature ejaculation, just a few of the things that Cobra Commander could have taught us how to deal with and probably had to deal with himself. Yo Joe, eat a deck of cards!!