Losing Is Half The Battle

Remember watching G.I. Joe as a kid? I’m only speaking about the show from the 80’s. Well if you don’t remember or you grew up watching one of the newer incarnations, you may be unaware of the PSA segments at the end. There was usually a kid or two, one of them was usually trying to do something that the Joe’s would identify as gateway act to socialism. Something like riding a bike at night without lights or leaving the ignited gas stove unattended.

Thankfully, the Joe’s were a preliminary form of the NSA and always happened to be monitoring the situation from the van down the street. One or two of them would hop to and stop these kids from making the biggest mistake of their lives which would ultimately lead them to voting for Bernie Sanders.

After the Joe’s taught the little brats a lesson, one of the little turds would say “Now I know!” Which was the setup for one of the Joe’s to say “And knowing is half the battle.” Every, single, time. Except that one time that Snake Eyes was the only available Joe. He mostly just stood there and breathed heavily into his mask. Of course no one was able to say they knew anything because Snake Eye’s couldn’t speak to the importance of doubling up on jimmy hats before abstinence voiding sex. All in all, that was a very awkward episode.

In all seriousness though, the Joe’s were full of it. Oh sure, they intervened in one child’s life. Thwarting natural selection and allowing them to grow up, reproduce, and live an unfulfilled life. Years passed, second marriages disintegrated, friends died and then they heard the words “it’s terminal.” In retrospect, I bet they wish they would have ridden their bikes right into the burning maw of that gas stove.

You know who really should have been teaching the kids? Cobra! Especially Cobra Commander. Talk about a guy who didn’t know when to quit and who never gave up. Even though he woke up every day only to get his ass handed to him and lose millions of 1980’s dollars. He still showed up to work with a smile on his face. Sure it was under a hood or mask, but he did it.

He was a smart and charismatic guy. He wasn’t stupid and was fully aware of the odds. Every time he came up with a plan, it would ultimately fail. Usually, this wasn’t the plan’s fault. His soldiers weren’t the best. His tools weren’t the best. There was no way he could compete with the G.I. Joe’s and the burgeoning military industrial complex.

He could have just been a cynical prick with no hope. Instead, he was a cynical prick who gave it all for his job. Probably, just like a lot of you. Punching the clock, working the long hours, losing sleep and stressed. Mind always at work, even while at the kid’s soccer game. Working a dead end job, spouses cheating on each other with the gang banging neighbors, chronic premature ejaculation, just a few of the things that Cobra Commander could have taught us how to deal with and probably had to deal with himself. Yo Joe, eat a deck of cards!!

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