Newspaper Horoscopes: Premium Disappointment

Horoscopes, who doesn’t get a kick out of reading them? The other day one of my friends, Hairdevil Pennysworth, brought in two newspapers. These weren’t the kind that are desperately thrust into hands at train stations with the promise of going home once the stock is depleted. These were of the rare kind that are desperately thrust into hands at train stations, but other schmoes had to pay money for. That’s right! Hairdevil Pennysworth brought in real newspapers that he didn’t have to pay a dime for.

We have a faux-tradition in the cube, where we sporadically read the horoscopes out loud. All while having fun bending and forcing something into being explained by the horoscope. Plus, it’s always a good time to know how far off they are. None of us are believers. However, we all believed that reading ‘scopes from premium newspapers was going to be quite the experience. With this much money, these ‘scopeists must have a direct line to Jupiter, Hell, or wherever?
Instead, something else happened. Something that left me with a negative feeling, a case of the Williams. It was kind of like when I was a kid around Christmas time and I would see two Santa Clauses in the same day. That always threw me for a loop. Made me question the big man’s existence. Why was one skinnier than the other, why did one have a fake beard, and why did one look cheap? My parents tapped danced around many questions like this.

“Tonight the sex will be abundant!” One of horoscope columns said. “So much passion you better wear cargo pants to carry it all!” While the other was all, “Finances, jobs and education.” Clearly the former was more fun to read. Regardless, how could there be such a huge discrepancy in the horoscopes? How could one see us having tons of passionate sex – separately, in our respective private lives? While at the same time the other was seeing us going back to school, experiencing career growth, and retooling our finances.  Are the stars that far out of unalignment? How could the heavens be so withholding of secrets?

What are people who enjoy horoscopes, who believe them, supposed to do? Just pick the nutter who sews theirs oats and turns their knobs? If knob turning isn’t their thing do they go with the milder and more finance and career aligned astrologist? Do they throw caution to the wind and mix both together and become a stripper who dresses as a teacher or investment banker?

If anyone has any insight, please let me know.

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