2016 Is Dead!


     Long Live 2017!

Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya 2016. You were a terrible fucking year and I will loathe you until my dying breath. Surrounded by loved ones and machines keeping me alive, with a raspy and gaspy voice I will say, “I love you all, fuck 2016.”

Let me be clear that this is not just because of all the great artists, musicians, actors you took. Nor the fact that a quarter of the U.S. is cool with Trump being president and the remainder is pissed about something. Excluding the increased fighting in Syria, the ramped up tensions with Russia and all that alludes to. Screw it, I want to be self-centered!

For me, 2016’s  never-ending supply of sack taps began in October of the previous year. Which set the stage for what would come to be an all around terrible year. I usually don’t write off an entire year and it’s not like some good things happened in 2016. Sure we had some laughs and Oliver moved in with us, but as a whole 2016 deserves to be buried and forgotten. Scratch that, decapitate it, bury an oak stake in its chest, salt it, and burn it.

     Time For A Resolution

I’ve made the same New Year’s resolution for the last six or seven years now. I’ve never failed at it. Mostly because one can only fail at it once unless one partied with Motley Crue back in the 80’s. That resolution is, “Don’t Die.” Sure, it’s dry and grim, but it’s a resolution I will stick to. There won’t be a time where I say, “Ah, I think I will skip not dying today.”

I implore you all to make this resolution because…

 

     Kill 2017 Before It Kills You!

Let’s face it 2016 sucked, but it also laid the groundwork for some truly trying times to follow. Tensions aren’t going to settle down because it’s a new year. More celebrities are going to pass away and none of them will be tied to the Kardashians. So just believe it okay. You’ve experienced the shit 2016 flung at you. No more surprises! The blindfold and the gloves are off. I not going to begin 2017 with “Happy New Year.” Compliance and blissful ignorance nets us nothing. Instead I will say, “It’s going to be a long year butthead, I’ll see you on the other side.”

 


I mean butthead in the most loving way possible. Please share. 

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Delta Airlines: Will Everyone Just Chill The Hell Out For A Second?


 

Did You Hear The News About Delta Airlines?

Some guys were kicked off a Delta Airlines flight for speaking Arabic. That doesn’t sound to unplausible these days. Many cowards are scared when it comes to Muslims. No one should be kicked off of a plane for speaking a different language and many people on twitter were in agreement with that. So much so, that there was a boycott Delta hashtag trending last night.

Of course, not all the tweets were in support of a boycott. Some were declaring there were other videos of Adam Saleh. I didn’t click those links, but instead chose to google him myself. I wanted an unbiased path to information. Which meant I was going to go to his YouTube channel. I could have also gone to his Spotify or Google Play pages. Heck, I could have gone to his wiki page. All of these were options under his picture and the label, actor.

Now my inner contrarian was all worked up. Hortin’ and snortin’ like some caged beast just wanting to get out. I watched a video of him pranking his friend by covering his nose in blood and saying that he had been punched. There were links for many other videos of hoaxes, suitcase smuggling, and just being, in general, an “entertaining” race-baiting douche bag. I didn’t click them, I didn’t feel like giving him the traffic. However, I will say that I had enough reasonable doubt to write this.

Distorted Reality.

So, who to trust? The guy that showed a clip of video that shows his side of the story and who has a history of crying wolf or everyone else on the plane? Granted that plane was in London and there was that whole Brexit thing recently, but is our faith in humanity that low?

Let me be clear, it is wrong for anyone to be kicked off of a plane for simply speaking a different language, but is that all that happened? I vote to wait for more information before rushing to justice, i.e. boycotting. Don’t show up to the trial with torches and pitch-forks until we know all the facts. If nothing else, twitter is proof as to why we have a justice system.

 


While you’re being chill, please feel free to share and comment.

 

Blog Post or Dark Souls: Choose Your Own Blog Post


Blog Post or Dark Souls

 

It’s that time of the week when  I release a new blog post. Yet, the call of Dark Souls has been too strong. I haven’t played it in over a year due to my controller dying and me being a huge cheap ass. Needless to say, I have a new controller and fell in love with that gosh dang game all over again. I’ve hit that point in the game where I can smugly tank bosses and hit them when I can. A few more hours and this playthrough will be done.  Seriously though, how many of you are here to read about me playing Dark Souls? Not very many, but I have a game for you to read about you playing me playing Dark Souls – if you so choose.

Choose Your Own Blog Post!

 

You’re a slightly pudgy thirty something sitting in front of a computer. You’re pretty cool guy, fairly respectable, have a big red beard and plenty of friends. What is that you’re doing?

 

 

Three Punk Ass Things To Say About Danzig In A Very Respectable Manner


 

Some people really can’t stand Glenn Danzig. Maybe it’s his rather sizeable ego. Perhaps it’s the fact that he can pull off a fishnet shirt. It could simply be because these people can sense evil.

Regardless, I say screw those people! Let them listen to Sonic Youth in some sort of audible staring contest until one of them breaks. Danzig rocks and I like him just fine! I mean I wouldn’t want to hang out with him or have him over for dinner or anything. He is fine in the auditory realm.

 

Now Three Things That Hopefully I Don’t Get Punched For:

  • What have I been up to? Oh not much, just hangin’ out, listening to Danzig, and watching Gilmore Girls with the sound down.
  • Teacher says, “Everytime Danzig drives by an old person, there is an Elvis sighting. Followed by their souls being whisked off to hell.”
  • Yeah, but can you say that you’re friends with someone who was asked out on a date by Glenn Danzig.*

 


If you even snickered, do me a solid and share. Although, let’s not share this enough that I draw the ire of Mr. Danzig.

I mean all of this in good fun and wrote it while sincerely listening to, Danzig.

*I won’t name names, but at least I will find out if she is reading my blogs or not.

Streets of Rage and Altered Beast: W(TV)F


 

Anyone hear about the Streets of Rage and Altered Beast TV shows or movies? I did and, if  you haven’t already guessed it, I was all “double-u tee eff?” Did anyone ask for this? Is that the kind of vibe us binge watching chuckle heads are giving off? What sort of lobotomized focus group was consulted and which states are they valid drivers in?

At no point during my childhood did I think to myself, “Gee-willikers! I sure would like to see a feature length movie based on Streets of Rage and/or Altered Beast.” Admittedly movies like Super Mario Brothers, Street Fighter and Double Dragon had already turned me into a jaded little tubby bastard. How my inner child didn’t shrivel up like an exposed to lake water scrotum after those turds, I will never know.

At no point did I add, “Multiple twenty-four episode seasons, would be even better. That would really give some lucky duck writer a chance to flesh out the ‘Welcome to your doom’ guy. Show us what makes him tick. I am sure he was just a misunderstood, Prometheus lookin’ motherfucker who shoots the player with lighting at the end of every stage.”

You know why I never thought any of those things? Because I am not a total ass-bag of a douche poncho! And I assume a vast majority of kids that played those games aren’t either. Decades have passed and we may be the only people who experienced these games. Do you suppose the kids are clamoring for it? Fuck me, a majority of the eldest millenials probably don’t even care. Who the hell are these shows for, loser ass forty-somethings?

These games are almost thirty years old and, while they were great games, they don’t have enough character depth or world building to support movie or television format by default. Oh sure, someone can whip up some shit and make both properties barely resemble their former selves. Maybe David Caruso can play Axel Stone’s grumpy police chief. Perhaps Blaze Fielding can do some crime scene investigating between jump kicking back flips. Personally, I can’t wait until Adam Hunter calls in the bazooka chain gun wielding militarized cops to kill* all the bad guys.

Seriously, there was a fucking Kangaroo and a cybernetic Master Po like guy in the third one. How the hell can anyone make any show or movie worthwhile out of these? It isn’t the eighties! I am so glad that Fifty Shades of Grey ushered in a new era of movies that feature two-dimensional characters beating each other up.

What do you think? Holler!

 


As always, if you liked it, share it. I love comments. Apologies to, Machismo Wainwright for the swearing.

*Cause them to blink out of existence

 

 

Snax Tyme: Banana and Nutella


 

My last post was a bit heavy and I think we could all use a bit of a chaser or cleanser. It’s that time of year where we should be happy and in a good mood. At least, that is what’s expected of us. To that end, we need to get our blood sugar level up, put a little boogie in our tummy tums. That is why I am going to let you in on one of my favorite snacks, banana and Nutella.

It’s easy, delicious, and – while it may not be the healthiest thing – I think it’s kind of nutritious. I mean, it includes an entire banana. Sure it’s covered in Nutella and we know that, despite Nutella being advertised as being healthy, Nutella isn’t the best for you. Of course, how could a sugary oily chocolate spread be healthy? With the calories per serving resembling butter, who would believe such tomfoolery? We’re all smart people here, right?

Anyway.

Three ways to rip it, dip it, flip it, and slice it:

  • The first is the dip. Which is exactly what it sounds like. You’re an animal and probably have a lot of muscles and not much time for proper preparation with all that stuff you have do. Peel that banana as quick as you can – probably from the bottom you hulking beast. Twist open the jar of Nutella or just throw it at the wall – you are the physical vessel of that arm wrestlin’ handshake combo between Arnie and Carl. Once those two steps are complete, just start dipping. It’s gross, won’t get the ladies, and isn’t as sanitary as the next two, but satisfies the recipe’s requirements by including Nutella and banana.
  • The second is the slice and dip. Let me say that sliced banana is one of the best ways to eat a banana. There is just something about the slimy cool innards of a banana that enhances the flavor. Yet, having to slice one up and then dip it into a dollop of Nutella on the side leaves something to be desired. First off, it takes time. Secondly, the Nutella pulls the bananas off the fork, so you may need to use your hands. Lastly, there will be remnants of Nutella that will be wasted.
  • That is why there is the third option. For that person that has everything except time and the want to waste perfectly good Nutella. It’s a marvel of pragmatic efficiency. Simply peel that banana and plop it on a plate. Then take a fork and jab it into the Nutella jar. Then drizzle the Nutella on top of the banana in an end to end fashion. Repeat if necessary. If eaten carefully no Nutella will touch the plate. Not to mention that there is a lot of Nutella stuck in the tines of the fork, which you can get out at your choosing.

So what do you think, you gonna try any of these recipes* or have any of your own? Let us know!


*Not responsible for any damage or loss of vision when the Nutella jar explodes against the wall.