Simon and Simon: And The Case of Teaching Us How To Love Again


 

Admit it, you hear the slide guitar in your head. That scratchy riff. The bumping of the kick drum. You may be heading off to the internet to track down the theme song, so let me help you out. Let it jog your memory. Let it carry you off to the memories of yesteryear. Ah, such a great song!

Now, I’m not going to act like I was a huge fan of the show. I was ten when it was canceled. There is no Rick cosplay costume in my closet. I never attended the Simon and Simon Con and Con. In fact, I don’t remember that much about the show. No episode is stuck in my mind. Hell, I had to google their names. When I read Rick, it rang a bell, but Andrew “A.J.” Jackson didn’t really.

The show was about two brothers. One who had gotten too big for his britches and moved to, not only the big city, but Cali-forn-I-A. While the other stayed behind and then went off to ‘Nam. For some reason, they decide to open a Private Detective agency. Good times ensued and conflicting differences occurred. Mr. Fancy pants A.J. was the well-to-do, practicing Catholic, book smart guy who played by the rules, mostly. Meanwhile, Rick was never seen without a combination of a mustache, denim or cowboy boots, yes, even in shorts. He was surly, ornery, and in general rootin’-tootin’.

Needless to say, their case solving styles were different. Sometimes one of them wanted to punch a guy, while the other one figured it was best to hit said guy with their truck then punch him. Even so, they were able to put aside their differences and solve over one hundred and fifty* cases. Still, there is one case they didn’t solve. A case they didn’t even know existed. For the crime wouldn’t be committed for almost thirty more years.That’s the Case of the Divided people!

Coast to coast. Urban to rural. Facebook to twitter. We’ve quickly become people that can’t fathom speaking with someone on the “other side.” Compromise isn’t a word we seem to be familiar with. All we want to do is to keep posting our one-sided feel good, won’t convert anyone’s thoughts memes.

Here’s the thing, even if they wanted to solve the case, they couldn’t. Simon and Simon, could not exist right now. Not in the current bi-partisan polar opposite climate. Not in the fake news thumping, finger pointing, dick wagging, hear no republican, speak no democrat, see no – whatever – bullshit spree we are on about. If it did, it would bomb when one of the two groups easily offended snowflakes started complaining. Either Rick is too much of a racist redneck or A.J. would be a fast talkin’ sissy. Take your pick. In truth, neither one would actually be offensive to anyone except the snowflakes.

Yet, I would argue that we need Simon and Simon. Now more than ever! The only way they could solve this case is by demonstrating acts of brotherly love and acceptance. Rick and A.J. could easily show us how it’s done. Extending the hand and not giving into the temptation to strike one another in the mouth.

Come on Hollywood do it! Bring it back! Get Gerald McRaney and Jameson Parker back in there. If it makes you feel better, I’ll even let you cast Danny McBride and James Franco or Zac Efron. Make it a bit more of comedy if you’d like. Don’t go dark with it. Opening sequence, two brothers step out of the voting booth, as the place their “I voted stickers” on their lapels, they look each other dead in the eyes. A tense moment passes and then, a good ol’ brotherly rivalry fueled eighties fight scene ensues – please include a water fountain. Because let’s face it, Rick and A.J. would have voted for Trump and Hillary respectively. Sure A.J. may have toyed with the idea of Gary Johnson, but he eventually came around.

 


*This is based on the assumption that they solved one case per episode.

 

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Children: The Ultimate Hobby


 

My friend, Grieco Ricardo, posted one of those petitions on facebook. You know, the ones that nicely dressed people with the great smile and dead look in their eyes used to bring to your front door. Already defeated, knowing full well where the conversation would go, they persevered and knocked. “Good day. Can I have a moment of your time to -” If I didn’t feel like slamming the door, I would tell them that I wasn’t eighteen and that my only living legal guardian was hard at work.

Anyway, this petition was about ten a day daycare provided by the province. Maybe it was because I’d just woke up and the coffee hadn’t entered my system yet. I was feeling cranky. Usually, I would be all for this. I think childcare is one of those things that shouldn’t break the bank. It’s really expensive, comes with a ton of rules and parents have to get on the enrolment list before they even consummate their marriage or first date – it’s 2017, no judgement.

Yet, for some reason, I didn’t respond well and by well, I mean, I had a grumpy internal monologue of “should have thought of that before…” and then I wrote this instead of signing the petition, then I planned to go sign the petition*. Don’t worry about it Grieco Ricardo, I’ve got your back. First, you have to read the following passage by some unknown author. He’s kind of funny and kind of a truth telling a-hole at the same time.

Kids are a passion project. This makes sense as they come from an act of passion. Similar to, but not exactly like that boat you used to restore on the weekend or all the Dungeons & Dragons you used to play with your buddies. However, where those two money pits of time sinks are not very cool, kids are, apparently.At least they are cool enough for greedy money grubbers to realize that parents are willing to pay an arm and a leg for their kids. If nothing else this is to avoid the judgemental ire of other parents and be the coolest parent at the PTA meeting. “What do you mean your kid isn’t in free range organic artisanal ju-jitsu violin courses!”

If betting the person you married that you are so committed to your love that you wager fifty percent of your assets against it not failing, then children could be for you. It’s just as insane! No! It’s even more bonkers! Of the remaining fifty percent that isn’t locked up on some crazy bet, kids will take that and more. Not only with food, clothing, and other basic things. There’s an entire cultural institution that uses kids has high powered siphons to suck the money right out of their parents’ pockets.

You have to put them through school and lord knows, it has to be the best school. So now you have to buy a house somewhere else where the good school is and you need to get on the list for the school right now. After that school, they have to go to another good school right? That’s what society says! Don’t forget all the enriching classes and extracurricular courses they take on the weekends.

Sell your comics, video games, and Dungeons & Dragons stuff. Put the boat into dry dock for fifty years. Save all your money. Get a second job. Have your spouse get a second job. Kids are the only thing to spend time and money on now. In other words, kids are the ultimate hobby. And just like beanie babies, pogs, and comic books in the nineties, they devalue like crazy. There’s too many of them and they all go to the good schools and extra programs that they cancel each other out. They also have so much debt that can’t feasibly live without being propped up by their parents. (Echoey whisper: The ultimate hobby.)

Holy crap, people do need ten dollar a day daycare or at least something more affordable. I knew that! I mean from what I know, ten dollars a day is about a third of the usual cost. It could be even less. That’s a lot of subsidizing. Where’s the free money gonna come from? Hell, I don’t know! Maybe they can’t take it away from that ridiculous $30,000 interest-free money that helps first time home buyers buy more than they are financially able to afford.

I’m sorry for being grumpy. Where is that link? Grieco posts so much stuff on facebook! Oh, there it is. Half a month ago? Did it take me that long to write this? Either way, this petition is a start.

 

 


I believe the children are our future. Something, something, something, and let them lead the way.

*Turns out I didn’t.

Back In Your Ass With The Resurrection

Where the hell have I been? That weekly post sure didn’t come out last week. Nor was there any sort of little post saying what the hell was going on. Well, let me say that I’m sorry about that. I’ve been sick for days for damn near weeks. Yesterday was the first day that I actually felt and looked better. For days prior, yes, I was getting better, but I didn’t look it or sound it.

Sleazy chills, snotty nose and a cough that sometimes came with prizes and at other times, just wanted me to break a rib. In other words, I was gross. No one should have had to witness me. I probably would have been wet to the touch if my sweatpants hadn’t been “wicking” it away. My mind wasn’t in the game. I’d tried to do some writing and I barely got through the first three sentences of this post. Later I would have to rewrite it anyway and change the tense.

So I stopped and played World of Warcraft instead. Yeah. This is actually what I was going to write about. Two fridays ago, I resurrected my WoW account. I should say, I created a free account. I resurrected my account about five days later and have already let it slip into a state of disuse.

Anyway, as I created that free account, it felt like I was drunk. Like I wasn’t in control of my own actions. As if I were watching through my eyes as someone else controlled me and was doing some seriously squirrelly and out of character shit. That moment that I clicked okay and I was the proud owner of free account. I dismissed it, thought I probably wouldn’t really play. Told my wife and we both laughed it off.

Over the course of the next three days I took a character to the threshold of level 20 – for free. It was fantastic, I met other players. We LOL’ed, we killed stuff, we danced in some town. It was everything I remembered and yet better. I hadn’t played in ten years and that last bit was more dabbling that anything, but this seemed significantly different. I could solo like crazy. There wasn’t any wasted time. Tons of quests whose goals were in the same area. Go get this thing and kill ten of these things while you’re there, oh and grab five of these as well. Dopamine, anytime, all the time.

I liked it! That’s why I resurrected my old account and they gave me seven free days. Then, I realized how shitty my old characters were. I played for hours and didn’t run into anyone. So I made a new character on the server my free character* was on and leveled him to eighteen in one day. Not a full day mind you, just a normal sick day with some reading and acknowledgment of my wife’s existence.

It was still fun, I was into it. However, I was starting to feel better and WoW demands attention. It’s a thing that requires upkeep and time. Just like other important things in my life do. That’s why I had to let it go. Sorry, I can’t keep up with you, but you sure are fun.

*They can’t mingle for some reason