Yanny or Laurel
I felt my blood turn to ice water when I saw Yanny or Laurel and read the brief description below. “It’s 2015 and that ghawddamn dress all over again!” I told myself. Which I followed up with “I’m not getting involved!” and “I’m not getting and will never listen to it.”
Life went on and I could for a great majority of the time forget about the whole thing. Every now and then I would happen upon some scuffle on the ye olde internet, but I would just pass by, leaving them to continue to pull hair and scratch out eyes.
I Was Blindsided
Then two days later. As I was listening to CBC, Tom – you’re on notice – Power played the damn clip before I realized what happening. I’d failed in my goal of avoiding. I didn’t take off my headphones or mute the audio, I just let it happen.
I Heard Laurel
As I am basically a curmudgeon with training wheels, it’s a fairly safe bet what I heard. I’m not some sort of out of control privileged millennial*. Nor am I accustom to hearing voices in my head. People from the heavens and pickle jars do not speak to me. I don’t nightlight as some urban avenger that can hear the conversations of criminals from across the park.
I heard laurel, of course I did. I couldn’t possibly have heard anything cool and been one of the ten percent of my facebook friends that heard yanny. Before anyone says they are lying, lemme say, “They are all reputable folks so I don’t think they are lying.” Of course they are younger than me so, they are definitely millennials.
*I’m looking at the camera this is such a joke. Millenial’s a great and depending on what page I pull up, sometimes I am one.
I haven’t even gotten over the hill yet and I already smell like an old man. This is mostly due to the Voltaren I just coated my arm and knee with. Recently, my natural musk is an odd mixture of medicine cabinet mint and Werther’s Originals. Are there even any other kinds of Werther’s to be the original of? Is there a cherry flavored one? Perhaps geriatric palate pleasing rhubarb or some other horrifying hot mess flavor? I guess I am aware of the one with cream in the middle. Those are okay, but a bit flashy for my old soul sensibilities. If I wanted zazz I’d go to a laser light show! Werther’s, all I need is that originally delicious take on caramel.
Sweet Jesus in a cowboy hat! It’s like someone spilled water on a bag of Werther’s. Subsequently, it fell over and writhed in pain. Screaming the entire time as its back moved like seven chihuahuas fighting in a sleeping bag. In short, it made a scene. Then, and repeatedly, upwards of twenty times, various flavors, textures, and takes on the great original flavor shot out of that poor little bag like coked out popcorn gone wild. Speaking of which, there is also a caramel popcorn version.
There are soft ones and ones that look like snausages! Different flavors such as coffee and whatever that light colored one* taste like. There’s even the much maligned pumpkin spice. Dear gahwd it’s a veritable cornucopia of flavors. A golden beige rainbow if you will.
You Can Take My Gun’s and My Feet…
Look, I love coffee, soft chewy caramel, and pumpkin spice, is most certainly my jam. However, I don’t need any of them. Not a single one of them can ever compare to the golden goodness that’s the original. My mind is made up and ain’t movin’.
Disagree with me if you want, but I don’t think anyone will.
Werther’s Originals, the official candies of the old at heart
*Man that light colored one is freaky, like some sort of cave-dwelling neutral evil cousin of the neutral good cousin that is the Original.