Werther’s Originals: It Wasn’t Meant To Be A Tangent


Werther’s Original

I haven’t even gotten over the hill yet and I already smell like an old man. This is mostly due to the Voltaren I just coated my arm and knee with. Recently, my natural musk is an odd mixture of medicine cabinet mint and Werther’s Originals. Are there even any other kinds of Werther’s to be the original of? Is there a cherry flavored one? Perhaps geriatric palate pleasing rhubarb or some other horrifying hot mess flavor? I guess I am aware of the one with cream in the middle. Those are okay, but a bit flashy for my old soul sensibilities. If I wanted zazz I’d go to a laser light show! Werther’s, all I need is that originally delicious take on caramel.

Googles Werther’s

Sweet Jesus in a cowboy hat! It’s like someone spilled water on a bag of Werther’s. Subsequently, it fell over and writhed in pain. Screaming the entire time as its back moved like seven chihuahuas fighting in a sleeping bag. In short, it made a scene. Then, and repeatedly, upwards of twenty times, various flavors, textures, and takes on the great original flavor shot out of that poor little bag like coked out popcorn gone wild. Speaking of which, there is also a caramel popcorn version.

There are soft ones and ones that look like snausages! Different flavors such as coffee and whatever that light colored one* taste like. There’s even the much maligned pumpkin spice. Dear gahwd it’s a veritable cornucopia of flavors. A golden beige rainbow if you will.

You Can Take My Gun’s and My Feet…

Look, I love coffee, soft chewy caramel, and pumpkin spice, is most certainly my jam. However, I don’t need any of them. Not a single one of them can ever compare to the golden goodness that’s the original. My mind is made up and ain’t movin’.

Disagree with me if you want, but I don’t think anyone will.


Werther’s Originals, the official candies of the old at heart

 

 

*Man that light colored one is freaky, like some sort of cave-dwelling neutral evil cousin of the neutral good cousin that is the Original.

Getting Older: The Concert That Could Have Been


 

Where I come from, concerts were hard to come by. I should stress that the local stuff was there, it was easy. It was the big names, they were the difficult ones. They required that you drive three hours to watch them. Heck, even the local ones required a half hour to an hour long road trip. It was a really small town.

So, for me, the culture of seeing live shows isn’t exactly engrained in my DNA. I didn’t do it enough then, to feel like I need to do it now. Don’t get me wrong, I like going to concerts, but I have to really want to go.

My wife and I had had a busy day, a trip to the dentist and other errands. We were eating dinner at the local hip music place to eat the foods. While I waited for my hotdog, I sipped my beer and looked at the wall with the gig posters. Down at the very bottom, far out of the gazing eye of the average looker was a poster for Windhand. I dig ‘em and have been listening to them a lot. Especially while I’ve been writing one particular project. I would love to see them live and here was my chance.

I looked at the date on the poster and it sounded familiar. A quick glance at my phone revealed the reason why, it was that very day. Not only that, but with a quick glance back at the poster and my basic math skills, I realized the doors were opening in eighteen minutes.

Our food probably wouldn’t be at our table in that time. We’d also have to go back home and take care of the dogs. Then catch a bus back downtown. Sometime in that amount of time we would have to buy tickets as well. For me, that was just enough logistical effort to pass up on the deal.

My wife, knowingly laughed at the defeat we were about to experience. She was down to go, but she knew, and was willing to admit before I was, that we were not going to go. We can be spontaneous, but this was a little out of our wheelhouse. Wanna go get some ice cream? Okay! Wanna go get a beer? Alright! And come home stumbling drunk? Wasn’t on my radar, but sure*! Wanna go to the library? Hell yeah! Wanna go to a doom metal concert that probably starts within an hour, still need to get food, eat food, take the dogs out, buy tickets, get there and may miss the opening act? Hmmm.

We didn’t go. Heck, we didn’t even try to go. I think I’d even forgotten about it by the time we got home. We took the dogs for a good walk and talked about comic books and graphic novels instead.

 


Next time Windhand, next time.

*Once or twice a year.

McDonaldz All Day Breakfast


 

Today’s the day Canada! A thing that is sure to make the masses and fast-food enthusiasts clamor and whoop with joy. Something muttered upon drunken ears, that carries the promise of bliss that rivals the second coming. There is a milestone happening today that may or may not be widely known. I for one, knew nothing of it. It could be because I don’t have cable and haven’t gone to the proper sites to earn the ads in my facebook. It’s possibly because I have my nose buried in a book when I’m on the bus and missed the public transit campaign. I know for sure it’s because when I was told, I was into my cups and forgot about it for over a week until I saw it on twitter. McDonaldz’s all day breakfast is here, in Canada!

My McDonaldz All Day Breakfast Jingle and The Rest of The Post

No matter what time of day, morning, noon, night. After a workout or before you and your spouse fight. Anywhere or anytime, you can pick some McBreakfast foods for a few bucks and ninety-nine.*

I just made that all up! Much in the same way that I am winging this entire post. Here’s the thing, I don’t remember** the last time I had McDonaldz breakfast. There are two reasons for this and they aren’t as high falutin’ as someone else’s who says, “I don’t remember the last time I had McDonaldz breakfast.” would be.

First, I’ve been vegetarian for almost a decade. Which has taken the fun out of fast food breakfast. Sure, I still do egg and diary, but processed cheese is grody. I was never into the weird omelet skin eggs either. Second, McDonaldz doesn’t  have fucking biscuits in Canada. Now for some, that isn’t a big deal, and in fact, many Canadians aren’t aware of an issue. However, for those of us from the Midwest, South and anywhere that voted for Trump, this is a big enough deal for all of us to throw our hands in the air and scream, “Heavens, I do declare!”

Biscuits are an integral breakfast food. In fact, one cannot have a sausage biscuit, without the biscuit. It is true that, McDonaldz Canada does have english muffins and other carbohydrate vehicles. In fact, they have plenty of breakfast food and it’s served all day. Go. Enjoy. You won’t see me there though, I’m a biscuit man.

 


Getcha’ some!

 

* At participating locations.

** December 2015, but before then it was a very long time.

Snax Tyme: Banana and Nutella


 

My last post was a bit heavy and I think we could all use a bit of a chaser or cleanser. It’s that time of year where we should be happy and in a good mood. At least, that is what’s expected of us. To that end, we need to get our blood sugar level up, put a little boogie in our tummy tums. That is why I am going to let you in on one of my favorite snacks, banana and Nutella.

It’s easy, delicious, and – while it may not be the healthiest thing – I think it’s kind of nutritious. I mean, it includes an entire banana. Sure it’s covered in Nutella and we know that, despite Nutella being advertised as being healthy, Nutella isn’t the best for you. Of course, how could a sugary oily chocolate spread be healthy? With the calories per serving resembling butter, who would believe such tomfoolery? We’re all smart people here, right?

Anyway.

Three ways to rip it, dip it, flip it, and slice it:

  • The first is the dip. Which is exactly what it sounds like. You’re an animal and probably have a lot of muscles and not much time for proper preparation with all that stuff you have do. Peel that banana as quick as you can – probably from the bottom you hulking beast. Twist open the jar of Nutella or just throw it at the wall – you are the physical vessel of that arm wrestlin’ handshake combo between Arnie and Carl. Once those two steps are complete, just start dipping. It’s gross, won’t get the ladies, and isn’t as sanitary as the next two, but satisfies the recipe’s requirements by including Nutella and banana.
  • The second is the slice and dip. Let me say that sliced banana is one of the best ways to eat a banana. There is just something about the slimy cool innards of a banana that enhances the flavor. Yet, having to slice one up and then dip it into a dollop of Nutella on the side leaves something to be desired. First off, it takes time. Secondly, the Nutella pulls the bananas off the fork, so you may need to use your hands. Lastly, there will be remnants of Nutella that will be wasted.
  • That is why there is the third option. For that person that has everything except time and the want to waste perfectly good Nutella. It’s a marvel of pragmatic efficiency. Simply peel that banana and plop it on a plate. Then take a fork and jab it into the Nutella jar. Then drizzle the Nutella on top of the banana in an end to end fashion. Repeat if necessary. If eaten carefully no Nutella will touch the plate. Not to mention that there is a lot of Nutella stuck in the tines of the fork, which you can get out at your choosing.

So what do you think, you gonna try any of these recipes* or have any of your own? Let us know!


*Not responsible for any damage or loss of vision when the Nutella jar explodes against the wall.

What I May Have Just Seen On The Internet: Piecakes


 

In this brand new, ground breaking, and hard hitting series – that will occur when I can’t think of anything else to write about – we will discuss, “What I May Have Just Seen On The Internet.” It could be anything! Elves! Elvis! Dire squirrels!

Here are the rules:

  • I can only catch a glimpse of the topic in a feed.
  • I can’t click the link or read the article at all before I start weighing in. Which seems to be a widely accepted practice these days.
  • Only after I write about what I think I saw do I actually investigate what I glimpsed.
  • Then reveal it to you and figure out if I’m right or wrong.

Now, without further adieu…

Piecakes

 

There wasn’t too much that I felt like writing about. To be honest, I’ve been pretty lazy on the writing front lately. I guess it’s just that time of year. Anticipation for the holidays and a good lengthy vacation that can’t get here soon enough. I cannot wait!

It was during one of my classic “how am I going to spend all that time” day dreams that I came across an image in my facebook feed. No, it wasn’t someone’s less than attractive child. Although, what I saw has the ability to make unattractive children even less so. What did I see? Well for those who’ve missed the word twice already it was Piecakes or that is what I am calling them.

At first glance, piecakes may look like a chocolate cake with cherries in it. Maybe there is some sort of cream up in there. Who wouldn’t like that? Upon further inspection, potential diabetics will realize that those cherries are living inside of a pie and that pie is nestled in between two layers of chocolate cake! Hallelueah! Hosanna in the highest and angels on high it is truly the most wonderful time of the year. No wonder way Santa is such a fatty!

The Reveal

Sweet bearded Jesus I was right! Well, except that it’s called Piecaken, which is superior to the name, piecakes. While piecaken is a nod to Turducken – which contains three birds – piecaken is only pie and cake. Maybe someone should turn it into a pudding cake and call it Piecaking. Not complaining, just trying to make things better.

So, this exists and I couldn’t have been happier. I wish I would have left it there. I was trying to find a good image. Below is the best version of what I originally saw. I don’t know who decided to upload the world’s tiniest recipe photo and I don’t want to know the jackasses that blew it up to 1080p. What the hell is wrong with people? My euphoric state was beginning to wane.

piecaken

Before I settled on the photo above I came across many other versions of piecaken. Deviations on the somewhat palatable cherry/chocolate combo. Three different pies inside of one cake! Pumpkin and rhubarb don’t belong on the same plate, much less shoved inside a cake with an apple pie. Lovecraftian abominations with no structural integrity were all I saw. All of them were oozing and collapsing on themselves.  While some had berries, none had any respect.

 

Where do you side delicious or disgusting? Let us know!

 


As alway please like, share, and look both ways before crossing the streets. That’s the one way that I don’t want to lose readership.

What I May Have Just Seen On The Internet: Handwiches


In this brand new, ground breaking, and hard hitting series – that will occur when I can’t think of anything else to write about – we will discuss, “What I May Have Just Seen On The Internet.” It could be anything! Elves! Elvis! Dire squirrels!

Here are the rules:

  1. I can only catch a glimpse of the topic in a feed.
  2. I can’t click the link or read the article at all before I start weighing in. Which seems to be a widely accepted practice these days.
  3. Only after I write about what I think I saw do I actually investigate what I glimpsed.
  4. Then reveal it to you and figure out if I’m right or wrong.

Now, without further adieu…


Handwiches

The name handwiches conjures imagery of some jack-ass in the nineties trying to make fat kids fatter and those annoying chain restaurants with movie memorabilia everywhere that make their employees sing “Happy Birthday” to you. Let’s face it, there isn’t anything happy about those birthdays and I highly doubt there is anything happy about handwiches.

 

Perhaps your imagination is running hogwild and you’ve already envisioned a pair of  crusty gluten gauntlets that one wears while noshing some sandwich fillage. If so, I think we may have seen the same thing and it’s totally cool to gag.

 

Why for the love of fuck would anyone want to stuff their hands into the bread and hold the sandwich filling between their fingers? I’m trying it right now with my hands and air. It sucks! Do I eat fingers or palm first? My elbows kind of hurt. I keep having to move my bottom hand which is making all my imaginary fillings fall out. So frustrating!

 

Also, on more than one occasion I bit down and caught my finger. Not only does that hurt, but my finger is slobbery and  gross. The armor like bread is being stripped away leaving me susceptible to more such attacks. Which also means the bread to filling ratio is going to be off rather quick. Sounds like a great way to carbo load! So sanitary! What about the stuff under my fingernails and dry skin. Oh gawd! This is totally the stuff illegitimate dreams are made of!

The Reveal

 

At this time I would like to calm down and have a look at what has filled my head with such horror. For humanity’s sake, I hope that it’s just my imagination. That some venture capitalist didn’t back some insane baker who watched the first twenty minutes of Edward Scissorhands too many times. Oh crap!

 

 

So what do you think gross or are you preordering a pair right now? Oh would you look at that, they come with raisins. Which is the perfect for simulating liver spots.

 

Shoutout to the clickbait site that posted this crap and thanks for not including a write up on bread gloves. You’re welcome for the clicks and thanks for the memories jerks!


Please comment, share, and don’t buy bread gloves.