Blog Post or Dark Souls: Choose Your Own Blog Post


Blog Post or Dark Souls

 

It’s that time of the week when  I release a new blog post. Yet, the call of Dark Souls has been too strong. I haven’t played it in over a year due to my controller dying and me being a huge cheap ass. Needless to say, I have a new controller and fell in love with that gosh dang game all over again. I’ve hit that point in the game where I can smugly tank bosses and hit them when I can. A few more hours and this playthrough will be done.  Seriously though, how many of you are here to read about me playing Dark Souls? Not very many, but I have a game for you to read about you playing me playing Dark Souls – if you so choose.

Choose Your Own Blog Post!

 

You’re a slightly pudgy thirty something sitting in front of a computer. You’re pretty cool guy, fairly respectable, have a big red beard and plenty of friends. What is that you’re doing?

 

 

Streets of Rage and Altered Beast: W(TV)F


 

Anyone hear about the Streets of Rage and Altered Beast TV shows or movies? I did and, if  you haven’t already guessed it, I was all “double-u tee eff?” Did anyone ask for this? Is that the kind of vibe us binge watching chuckle heads are giving off? What sort of lobotomized focus group was consulted and which states are they valid drivers in?

At no point during my childhood did I think to myself, “Gee-willikers! I sure would like to see a feature length movie based on Streets of Rage and/or Altered Beast.” Admittedly movies like Super Mario Brothers, Street Fighter and Double Dragon had already turned me into a jaded little tubby bastard. How my inner child didn’t shrivel up like an exposed to lake water scrotum after those turds, I will never know.

At no point did I add, “Multiple twenty-four episode seasons, would be even better. That would really give some lucky duck writer a chance to flesh out the ‘Welcome to your doom’ guy. Show us what makes him tick. I am sure he was just a misunderstood, Prometheus lookin’ motherfucker who shoots the player with lighting at the end of every stage.”

You know why I never thought any of those things? Because I am not a total ass-bag of a douche poncho! And I assume a vast majority of kids that played those games aren’t either. Decades have passed and we may be the only people who experienced these games. Do you suppose the kids are clamoring for it? Fuck me, a majority of the eldest millenials probably don’t even care. Who the hell are these shows for, loser ass forty-somethings?

These games are almost thirty years old and, while they were great games, they don’t have enough character depth or world building to support movie or television format by default. Oh sure, someone can whip up some shit and make both properties barely resemble their former selves. Maybe David Caruso can play Axel Stone’s grumpy police chief. Perhaps Blaze Fielding can do some crime scene investigating between jump kicking back flips. Personally, I can’t wait until Adam Hunter calls in the bazooka chain gun wielding militarized cops to kill* all the bad guys.

Seriously, there was a fucking Kangaroo and a cybernetic Master Po like guy in the third one. How the hell can anyone make any show or movie worthwhile out of these? It isn’t the eighties! I am so glad that Fifty Shades of Grey ushered in a new era of movies that feature two-dimensional characters beating each other up.

What do you think? Holler!

 


As always, if you liked it, share it. I love comments. Apologies to, Machismo Wainwright for the swearing.

*Cause them to blink out of existence

 

 

More PC More Problems

My friend, Machismo Wainwright, recently gifted me a copy of Fallout 4. I had been playing Fallout 3 and Fallout New Vegas a lot lately and he knew I was a big fan. What he didn’t know was the reason why I hadn’t procured my own copy of Fallout 4. My computer was underwhelming and doesn’t meet the minimum requirements. It is something I didn’t real bring up much in conversation. Seriously, who wants to talk about inadequacies on a coffee break.

Since then Machismo has been trying to help me find a new graphics card. Lo and behold another friend, Jonesboro McClintock, came to my rescue. All I had to do was buy him a lunch or two and he would give me his old GTX 580. It is certainly a big beefy card. A card that is the size of something one would get at a U.S. fast food restaurant. Superduper sized, doubled up and bedazzled. Easily more than twice the size of my current card.

Once Jonesboro had heard that my powersupply wouldn’t support this new supreme being of a card, he even threw in an old power supply. He and I ran through the checklist of everything that could go wrong when making the switch. We thought of everything. The wattage, the pins and cables, the general size of the card. I had the new card all but in when one problem we hadn’t thought about popped up. My SATA cables are right under the graphics card. This new one sits right on them. So much so that it tips. I didn’t push it into my PCIe slot any further .

So how the hell did I wind up in this position. For starters I have traditionally been a console gamer. They are easy and I like the controllers. However, I have gotten tired of buying new consoles and having to buy all new stuff. I just don’t want that hassle. So I started switching over to PC gaming. Albeit slowly.

My current PC is a Dell. I know, I know. It won’t happen again. Money was a bit tight when I bought it and I needed a new PC at the time. The financing was really appealing back then too. Before this, for whatever reason, I had bought an iMac. I know, how did I have money for a Mac, but not for something that wasn’t a Dell? Beats the shit outta me. I had succumbed to advertising. My wife had one. They looked great and fun and it was, for awhile. So is being a lesbian in university*!

Eventually I had to get back to doing actual work. That is when I bought the Dell. Honestly, it hasn’t been bad except in the last year. Dell is kind of a strange mishmash of quality parts and cheap parts. They also seem to have a design team whose job is to ensure you can’t upgrade the thing easily. Well fire that team because my PC may be stuffed like a Thanksgiving Turkey, but I can play Fallout 4! All it took were some ninety degree SATA cables.

 

*There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a lesbian after university.