Mike Pence Tapped For Major Motion Picture 2020


The following is a little satirical article I’ve had sitting in a folder for awhile now. Thought that Election Eve would be a special enough occasion to pull it out. Enjoy! Or not.


 

Over the last few weeks, the Trump campaign has experienced more than it’s fair share of setbacks. Many of these incidents occur when he opens his mouth in public or around recording equipment. Most recently were the recordings of him displaying how to sexually harass women. Not that anyone with a good judge of character needed a tape of him demonstrating how to be a gross 80’s Guy to know that he’d probably done such things.

As soon as that tape was released, Mike Pence began to distance himself. Saying that, “He was disgusted and was going to pray for Donald and his family.” In an effort to look like good people, other republicans began to renounce their support. During the same period, it was announced that Pence was a front runner for president in 2020.

When asked, Pence responded – after several minutes of anti-Hillary commentary – with this, “To answer your question though, I’m flattered that the GOP has put me at the top of their list. However, after running with Donny for the last year, I’ve lost my taste for politics. It’s really done a number on me. I feel that something higher is calling me. Something that is bigger than me, America and Donald.”

When asked if that calling was philanthropy, charity, or to help the down trodden, he just looked as if he’d never heard anything more off base in his entire life.

“No, I’ve been in talks with Hollywood producers about portraying a role that has been near and dear to my heart for a long time. A man that I grew up watching and who helped shape me into the exemplary man I am today. I’ve been tapped to play Race Bannon in the live action Jonny Quest reboot in 2020. Heck, it may be even sooner if Donald’s past keeps catching up with him and we don’t get into office.” He finished with a wry grin.

Jonny Quest fans, keep your fingers crossed.

pencebannon

 


 

World Vegan Day


 

It’s World Vegan Day today! I had no idea. As a simple vegetarian, I didn’t get the invite. I’m sure it got lost in the mail or something. I’ll go check the old inbox after this. Usually, on these made up holidays that aren’t recognized by the government, I post this little gem. However, I agree with this holiday. I think people and the world would be further ahead if we quit eating so much damn meat.

For me it isn’t even about people giving up meat cold tofurkey. It’s about reducing the intake. Talking people into not ordering meat sandwiches for lunch and then throwing half of it away. Driving home that meat doesn’t grow on trees. Making people realize that vegetables, seasonings, and sauces taste great and that meat tastes like iron, blood, and brown.

Don’t worry, I’m not one of the extreme types. There isn’t a militant bone in my body and my high horse is more of Shetland Pony* named Riverdance. In fact, one could say that “I’m the kind of vegetarian people want to drink a beer with.” And as long as that beer doesn’t contain fish bladder, bacon or whatever else over zealous meat eaters – in an attempt to experience meat at every juncture of their day – have put in beer, I’m down.

To further the point that I’m highly accepting and approachable, I’d like to share a story. A few years back I had a small bite of bacon. After not having meat for several years, I thought it was somewhat important to set foot back in The Den of Evil. To test myself and see if I was speaking the truth when I said I didn’t miss it. What I experienced was weird. The bacon was salty, gristly, smokey. The kind of salty smoked fat that makes foodies think they are fucking Gordon Ramsey when they toss a rasher on anything that would suck otherwise. My head spun at the thought of the life that had been lost in order for everyone to eat this bacon. How that life sucked.

The experience didn’t weaken me, it increased my resolve. It has been almost nine years since I cut out the meat. Yes, all meat, even in stocks and gravies. I don’t miss it and I feel great about it. When my wife and I became vegetarians we did it for ethical reasons. As the years went on environment and health benefits compounded on top of that. There are all sorts of great dishes that can be made. How couldn’t there be, when only one ingredient is missing?

I don’t need meat. You don’t need meat. We don’t need meat. It’s hard on the environment and our bodies. It doesn’t do all that much good. There are plenty of sources of protein, if muscle building is your thing. Quit leaning on that excuse because of your unoptimized diet and your weak sub-par will. Stop thinking it’s fine because everyone else is doing it. Your food habit is hurting so many beings that it is mind boggling. And when minds are boggled, senses of humor become uncalibrated. Everything becomes super serious. No one can tell if something is a joke or not.

Meat doesn’t make one funny. It does quite the opposite actually, making one think that “zingers” such as “plants have feelings,” and “I’m a meatetarian,” are funny. Jokes like that aren’t funny and are proof that you saw Paul Blart 2 in theaters. If you want to own up to that on top of slaughtering animals and being generally harder on the environment, then go right ahead, enjoy your burger. Tell yourself that it’s okay because you once thought about not eating meat, but decided it was too hard. Tell everyone that you’re an animal lover as you grind that cow between your teeth. Go crowd fund Paul Blart 4 on kickstarter. You’re already an asshole and a terrible human being.

“Ha ha! High-Ho Riverdance! Away!” Clop-baclop-baclop
*Can we even say Shetland Pony in this age of political correctness and the easily offended?

 


Remember to comment, share, and eat your vegetables.

Tales From The Campaign Trail: Trump And The Baby

 

The campaign trail can write the best tales. Push us to our very edge. Change each and every one of us. Make us our best or our worst. This tale is no different.

 


 

Let’s face it, Donald Trump has had plenty of mainstream media woes as of late. Depending if you’re a believer in polls or not, things aren’t looking that great for him. Just to be safe, Trump has let the rubber meet the road. In order to get his numbers up and to appeal to a broader range of folk. To that end, Trump is visiting town after town, and letting them know he is still the man for the job.

 

Trump had been on the road for hours and was absolutely famished the evening his campaign bus rolled into the parking lot of Vern’s Tavern. A nice little place on the outskirts of Muskakatoon, Tennessee. Donald and his staff members were “Super stoked!” to learn that it was taco bowl night and hurried inside to eat their fill. In fact, they ate all the taco bowls. Even the ones other people had ordered! The patrons were too star struck to stop them. Besides they seemed happy to sip beers and munch fries with a presidential candidate in the room.

 

However, something was missing. At that point, The Donald realized that it was a great opportunity for some Trump-appeal. The gears inside his head creaked and lurched into motion. His eyes squinted to aid in the darting motion they were making as his eyes jumped from side to side. With lips pursed, he felt a moment of doubt. Like he wasn’t able to find what he was looking for. That is when Trump spied the baby at the bar.

 

The red vinyl booth let out a groan as the great weight was lifted and Donald slid out. Trump approached the baby much like a hunter armed with a pocket knife would approach a deer. The baby didn’t seem to notice – later it would seem that the baby had other worries on his mind. For that moment though he seemed completely enamored with the brown bottle of macro-brewed rice lager sitting in front of him. His tiny little baby hands nimbly picked at the condensation soaked label. Once Trump had gotten in range, the baby turned and looked directly at him thoroughly unimpressed. There was a whispered exchange which was followed by head shakes. A visibly tense moment followed, the baby brushed the paper wrappings off the bar and nodded.

 

That is when Trump turned to the everyone and announced, “I asked him if I could kiss him!” The crowd whooped and whirred like a high school basketball game had suddenly broken out. Trump waved his hands in an effort to hush the crowd. That is when the establishment owner, Vern, began to wave his hands back and forth in response. Soon after, everyone was doing it, except the baby. Trump put his arms at his side and looked like a displeased father. Once they realized they were not to answer by waving their hands in the air like they didn’t care, they quieted down. With that look that Trump gets when he concentrates really hard – it’s kind of like duck face, but more accurately, turducken face – he looked over the crowd, then spoke. “He said no!”

 

“Kill that baby!” someone roared as other crowd members booed. Followed by someone crying out, “For the first time in my life I wanna legalize abortion!”

 

Trump waved his hands once more. Once the audience hushed, he spoke “I know all of you are mad and you work hard. When you come to the bar, you expect to see a man kiss a baby. Sometimes, things don’t go the way you planned. They aren’t as ‘uge as you would have liked them to be.” At that point there was a fatherly grin on his face. Like he was speaking to the ugliest of his children. “We worked out a deal though. It’s going to be great, you’ll see.”

 

With that, the crowd burst into yelps and gasps of edge of their seat astonishment. No one knew what could possibly happen next. A different Vern fainted, taking a table with him and sending its contents flying. As quickly as the commotion started, it ended. A hush fell over the room as Trump and the baby raised arms. In a moment of pure bliss, their hands collided in mid-air. A slap that made on looker’s hands tingle in empathy. Time slowed and some thought they heard the gates of heaven open – especially if the gates of heaven sound like a high five. In that moment both hands remained suspended, everyone could easily do a size comparison of Trump’s hands against a baby’s. “You know what, they don’t seem to be that small. I think he definitely had the upper hand at least.” Said another patron named Vern.

 

Unfortunately, the baby was not available for further comment only saying that, “I had better head home because I have to be at the coal mine early in the morning. You think these lights stay on if I just stay here, high five some joker, and drink away my woes?”

 

Join me next time for some more Tales From The Campaign Trail.

 


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