2016 Is Dead!

     Long Live 2017!

Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya 2016. You were a terrible fucking year and I will loathe you until my dying breath. Surrounded by loved ones and machines keeping me alive, with a raspy and gaspy voice I will say, “I love you all, fuck 2016.”

Let me be clear that this is not just because of all the great artists, musicians, actors you took. Nor the fact that a quarter of the U.S. is cool with Trump being president and the remainder is pissed about something. Excluding the increased fighting in Syria, the ramped up tensions with Russia and all that alludes to. Screw it, I want to be self-centered!

For me, 2016’s  never-ending supply of sack taps began in October of the previous year. Which set the stage for what would come to be an all around terrible year. I usually don’t write off an entire year and it’s not like some good things happened in 2016. Sure we had some laughs and Oliver moved in with us, but as a whole 2016 deserves to be buried and forgotten. Scratch that, decapitate it, bury an oak stake in its chest, salt it, and burn it.

     Time For A Resolution

I’ve made the same New Year’s resolution for the last six or seven years now. I’ve never failed at it. Mostly because one can only fail at it once unless one partied with Motley Crue back in the 80’s. That resolution is, “Don’t Die.” Sure, it’s dry and grim, but it’s a resolution I will stick to. There won’t be a time where I say, “Ah, I think I will skip not dying today.”

I implore you all to make this resolution because…


     Kill 2017 Before It Kills You!

Let’s face it 2016 sucked, but it also laid the groundwork for some truly trying times to follow. Tensions aren’t going to settle down because it’s a new year. More celebrities are going to pass away and none of them will be tied to the Kardashians. So just believe it okay. You’ve experienced the shit 2016 flung at you. No more surprises! The blindfold and the gloves are off. I not going to begin 2017 with “Happy New Year.” Compliance and blissful ignorance nets us nothing. Instead I will say, “It’s going to be a long year butthead, I’ll see you on the other side.”


I mean butthead in the most loving way possible. Please share. 

President Trump, Maybe We’ll Laugh


Well, the election didn’t turn out how I’d hoped. I assumed it would be a nail biter, but I figured Hillary would have come out on top. I hoped beyond hope that many historical republican voters would turn against Trump. My fingers were crossed that Bernie supporters – like me – would let it go. I’d wished for the progress, that had started eight years ago, to continue. That many would not allow Trump’s hate filled rhetoric to come to describe American’s.

That didn’t happen. Instead we got some guy who is a tumor of the current system – the same system many claim to hate and want changed. I don’t trust him nor agree with him. I don’t think he can do the job. Nor do I want him representing my country.

His words and actions have riled up everyone on both sides. First it was his supporters, by stating or insinuating that everyone not white and straight was the reason for all their problems. Now, the anti-supporters are riled up. Because his policies and everything he has said, is about going back. Every hard earned step toward acceptance and away from humanity’s base fears and emotions is in jeopardy. The all clear has been given to be an entitled hateful chode pasture and while not all of his supporters demonstrate such behavior, many do. Sadly at the moment, many of the anti-supporters do as well.

To Those Who Voted For Him

I get that things need improvement – I wasn’t happy with everything either. Shockingly, we may align on more things than who we voted for reveals at first glance. I know that some haven’t been as lucky as others. Jobs have disappeared and your way of life is endangered. You felt marginalized. The existing powers haven’t done right by you. That you wanted change.

Yet, you re-elected almost all of that non-working congress. An embodiment of the partisan, career politicians, that have been corrupted by lobbyists and work against you. Which was the exact thing you said you were against. If you wanted change so bad, then why aren’t they gone? Was that something you didn’t think about, intended to fix in the next election, or is it because you didn’t really want change?

Perhaps you wanted to not have to aspire to be better any longer. To go back to a simpler time that only exists in John Mellencamp songs and your misunderstanding of Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” Just simple straight white people and jobs. Jobs, jobs, jobs! Who cares about the world economy that your favorite, President Regan, helped set in motion. Screw equality and progress. Fuck the environment! Although, it is hard to have jobs when the fucking planet is on fire. Ironically, we won’t need the goddamn cars you want to make when we are under water!

To All of Us (I’m Almost Done Gripin’)

Maybe it won’t be as bad as I fear. Perhaps Trump – like many politicians – won’t make good on many of his campaign promises. I would be fine with that. Maybe he did it all, just to appeal to the most base, greedy and fearful qualities in some Americans. If nothing else, we get to stress test the shit out of checks and balances and see how well The Founding Father’s designed this governing system.

So, maybe in four years – gahwd forbid eight – we will look back on this and laugh. Things may be different. The sky may be red, cities may be burned out shells, and ambient foreboding dystopian synth loops may be on repeat from the heavens, but we could laugh. I may have an eye patch, developed a love for cigars, replaced my severed right hand with a cybernetic one, love me a leather trench coat, not own a single t-shirt with sleeves, learned to ride a motorcycle, and have a black muscle car with a trunk full of weaponry, but we could laugh, laugh, laugh.

“Get the fuck down!” I yell at you while punching you in the ear and shoving you toward the floor a bit harder than necessary – can’t deny that wasn’t because you voted for Trump. I am continuous motion as my cybernetic hand whips out a kick ass fully automatic shotgun, while my left – still stinging from you ear – pulls out a dystopian future modded uzi. Both open fire on the screeching winged demon that was about to haul you back to its nest and I feed you to its babies. Because that is what the future looks like. Roaming packs of fucking winged demons! All because some fed him after midnight! But we could laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh!



Feel free to share and comment. I would really appreciate it.

Is It Too Late To Go To The RNC?

 My wife was in full blown ironic, self-harm mode last night. It didn’t matter what I said, my pleas for respecting oneself went unheeded. She watched over an hour of the Republican National Convention. Over that hour, I tried to ignore it by turning up my music to deafening levels. However, there were moments that I could hear what was happening. Some of it caught my interest, to the point I had to remove headphones and listen. I have to admit I don’t know why I was so hesitant. Once I relaxed, I really enjoyed it.

 What isn’t to love about a bunch of good ole people getting together and saying the status quo, the current situation, and stuff we did back in the 50’s works for us? People who say, we don’t want to change a goddamn thing, except for: too many brown people, too many atheists, women are lippy, and bring back prayer in school. I saw people who were not only worried about the safety of their physical vessels – to near ludicrous levels – while on this harsh earth, but were also deeply concerned about the pristineness of their souls. Especially, once those damn dirty liberals take away the guns and they are unable to defend themselves from the terrorist strike that occurs moments later. Alanis Morissette couldn’t even write a song about that kind of irony!

 Then a blue collar multi-millionaire got up on stage and said he knew what it was like to be the common folk. Who cares if he hasn’t had to pack his lunch, take care of his kids, stretch a minimum wage paycheck, get stuck in traffic, knows how to hide his taxes in offshore bank accounts. He is just a cheap beer drinking, Larry The Cable Guy loving, driving with the windows down while blasting Toby Keith, blue collar guy. He could literally work right alongside you at your job. However, he doesn’t because he is fucking a millionaire. All he had to do was a say that, “America isn’t safe, non-white male hetero people, America.”

 As far as the America isn’t safe thing, are they shooting for a zero percent fail rate? How many more liberties are people actually willing to have encroached upon in order to keep themselves safe and “free.” Wait, wait. I’m doing it wrong. I started thinking again, back to the RNC.

 Screw music festivals and drugs as a way to decompress and avoid the stresses of day to day life. The RNC seemed better for the physical body, plus most people seemed to have showered before they came. Speaking of indoor plumbing, the RNC has it! Which is something most musical festivals don’t.

 Sure, maybe the music that is played isn’t quite your thing. Perhaps the fact that you understand the Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born in the U.S.A.’ is a scathing critique, not a celebration. Sure, maybe jabbing a metal skewer through an ocular cavity and swishing it around the frontal lobe will be necessary for one to fully enjoy the benefits of the RNC, but when in Rome.  

 In the end, life just seems easier at the RNC. For instance, I didn’t realize that racism and the environment weren’t actually issues. All it took was some rich guy getting up on stage and telling me to not worry about it. Silly me, all these years wasted trying to be a better person and – albeit shallowly – trying to leave the world in a better place.  

 But fuck it! It isn’t a problem, nothing is. Not with my gun by my side, women’s bodies under the full control of the government, and plenty of laws and social barriers to marginalize non-white male heteros. A totalitarian religious regime, what could possibly wrong?
Just because I’m bagging on the GOP does not mean that I’m voting democrat.