Sick On My Birthday: You Didn’t Have To Patient Zero

Well, it’s finally happened. I’m sick on my birthday! It took nearly half of my calculated life expectancy based on the national average life expectancy. I thought it could never happen to me. I’d never be sick on my birthday! Seriously, what kind of loser catches a cold in July? It’s hot, the human body isn’t wasting energy trying to keep warm and people are outside. How could anyone, anyone, be sick right now? It’s summer for the love of ghawd!

Granted this has been the slowest rolling summer ever. Mile long trains have been known to get moving faster than this season has. Sunburn one day. In a hoodie and jeans the next, albeit while still getting sunburned. Then rain for days. Which, the rain isn’t bad at all, it’s just odd that it’s happening.

I started feeling bad three days ago. Patient zero admitted he was sick three days prior to that. To that end, this could is just about over. I’ve probably already given it to people before I even knew what was happening. Luckily, it’s nothing like the cold I had a few months ago. My nose is just really snotty and I feel lazy. Sadly, I can only taste about forty percent of what eat and drink. Which is going to put a damper on the celebratory consumption.

I need to go party as much as I can. Here are some misquotes about being sick on my birthday. I made them up. Please, don’t sue me.

Tyler Durden said it:

“On a long enough timeline, everyone will be sick on their birthday.”

Bon Jovi said better:

“I’m a cowboy. On transit I ride. I’m si-ick!”

“Si-iii-ick!”

“On my birthday,  on my birthday-yay, on my birthday.”


Has anyone drawn comparisons between the video for “Blaze of Glory” and Fallout 3?

What I May Have Just Seen On The Internet: Piecakes


 

In this brand new, ground breaking, and hard hitting series – that will occur when I can’t think of anything else to write about – we will discuss, “What I May Have Just Seen On The Internet.” It could be anything! Elves! Elvis! Dire squirrels!

Here are the rules:

  • I can only catch a glimpse of the topic in a feed.
  • I can’t click the link or read the article at all before I start weighing in. Which seems to be a widely accepted practice these days.
  • Only after I write about what I think I saw do I actually investigate what I glimpsed.
  • Then reveal it to you and figure out if I’m right or wrong.

Now, without further adieu…

Piecakes

 

There wasn’t too much that I felt like writing about. To be honest, I’ve been pretty lazy on the writing front lately. I guess it’s just that time of year. Anticipation for the holidays and a good lengthy vacation that can’t get here soon enough. I cannot wait!

It was during one of my classic “how am I going to spend all that time” day dreams that I came across an image in my facebook feed. No, it wasn’t someone’s less than attractive child. Although, what I saw has the ability to make unattractive children even less so. What did I see? Well for those who’ve missed the word twice already it was Piecakes or that is what I am calling them.

At first glance, piecakes may look like a chocolate cake with cherries in it. Maybe there is some sort of cream up in there. Who wouldn’t like that? Upon further inspection, potential diabetics will realize that those cherries are living inside of a pie and that pie is nestled in between two layers of chocolate cake! Hallelueah! Hosanna in the highest and angels on high it is truly the most wonderful time of the year. No wonder way Santa is such a fatty!

The Reveal

Sweet bearded Jesus I was right! Well, except that it’s called Piecaken, which is superior to the name, piecakes. While piecaken is a nod to Turducken – which contains three birds – piecaken is only pie and cake. Maybe someone should turn it into a pudding cake and call it Piecaking. Not complaining, just trying to make things better.

So, this exists and I couldn’t have been happier. I wish I would have left it there. I was trying to find a good image. Below is the best version of what I originally saw. I don’t know who decided to upload the world’s tiniest recipe photo and I don’t want to know the jackasses that blew it up to 1080p. What the hell is wrong with people? My euphoric state was beginning to wane.

piecaken

Before I settled on the photo above I came across many other versions of piecaken. Deviations on the somewhat palatable cherry/chocolate combo. Three different pies inside of one cake! Pumpkin and rhubarb don’t belong on the same plate, much less shoved inside a cake with an apple pie. Lovecraftian abominations with no structural integrity were all I saw. All of them were oozing and collapsing on themselves.  While some had berries, none had any respect.

 

Where do you side delicious or disgusting? Let us know!

 


As alway please like, share, and look both ways before crossing the streets. That’s the one way that I don’t want to lose readership.