How I Vaccuum The Effin’ Car

My wife and I recently went on vacation with the dogs. Five nights in a cabin at the end of the continent, in a little town called Ucluelet. For the few of you who haven’t heard of it yet have been to Tofino, just turn left instead of right at the ocean.

Five nights means six days. Six days of wet, salty dogs. Ocean water. Sand. Mud. Not only were they covered in all of that, they ingested it as well. So of course they puked and all that. Sure we quickly bathed them each and everyday with shampoo and the cold water from the hose while they danced and spun at the end of their leashes like a schizophrenic bouncy balloon things. Remember those? Then they would run in and lay by the fire all night.

No matter what, they were just never fully clean. Rain would fall from the sky everyday and make sure they would get a little bit of tacky dirt or sand stuck to them. There was a seemingly never ending supply of new and gross things to eat or lick.

By the end they smelled and had to spend five hours in the car on the way back. Once we had gotten home and I had taken the seat cover out, I realized how dirty the car was. It smelled like wet dog. There was sand, fur, and slobber everywhere. “I looked to the sky and screamed why do I even bother with the cover!”

I had no other choice. I took that filthy car to the car wash. I was fully prepared. I had a pocket full of toonies. I backed into that stall and made sure that vacuum cleaner was fully functioning. I opted for the automated mat wash. Every little scrap of litter had been picked up. It was go time!

Instant action as the coins hit the bottom. I flew into the car! Scrambling, inhaling crap from every crack and crevice of the not so offensive front seat. Then it was time for the back seat. I was taken aback for a moment. Some may have thought we had scooped sand into the car. Others may have thought we had shaved a dog in the back seat. It looked and smelled horrible. Then I remembered my precious time ticking lower and lower.

I started out hunched over and ended up eventually crawling to the other side. Moving as quickly as I could. All that precious time and money. Ticking away. Evaporating. In the heat of that moment I felt like I was in one of those Daniel Craig James Bond fight scenes. Two people scrambling so violently that the viewer can’t tell if they are both really good at fighting or have no idea what they are doing.

I am apparently more of the latter. The hose was stuck on something and I yanked. At this time I realized the hose was underneath me. Not pinned underneath me, but loose underneath me. Painfully it arced up right into my crotch and delivered a light tap. Through squinted eyes and pinched lips I kept vaccuuming. Time was money.

Once the worst of the back seat was over with I started doing the shampooing and adding the scents. That part was pretty uneventful. Lots of shampoo and a mixture of new car and vanilla scents. I only really wanted to talk about the part where I felt like James Bond and got cracked in the no-no’s.

Domesticated Dire Squirrels: Good For The Environment, Good For The Economy, Good For The English Language

Dire: adj. extremely serious or urgent. That is a serious hamburger.

  The other day I was driving down the street and as I approached an intersection some smart ass driving a Smart Car decided to over stretch passed his stop sign before coming to a complete stop. I slammed on my brakes and he looked at me solmenly, I could see the regret on his saving the world with fuel efficiency face.  The pain at his realization that the world would be destroyed because he had to come to a complete stop instead of rolling through maintaining that oh-so-crucial velocity was apparent. It got me thinking though, about how my Mazda Protege 5 could have totally rolled that car up like a booger and flicked it to the curb. The image of a undamaged smart car rolling a few times across the street, stopping on its wheels, and honking its cute little horn as it drove off played through my mind. That got me thinking, if I had a truck of Tiny Tom Johnson compensating proportions, I could have destroyed that Smart Car and totally ruined that guys day. That got me thinking about city travel, fuel efficiency, and eventually the economy.  I came to the only logical conclusion. Domesticated dire squirrels! Let’s look at some facts:

  • Oil sucks and alternative fuel sources either steal corn from babies mouths or seem to be a work of fiction.
  • Humans have ridden horses since forever and generally love enslaving animals, so why not squirrels.
  • Cute fuzzy things lower stress levels and squirrels are super cute. Thus dire squirrels lower stress even more because of their size.

  In this age on the cusp of modifying DNA and trying to save the world through lower emissions and alternative fuel sources, domesticated dire squirrels are truly the best answer. Scientists could manipulate squirrel DNA to make them dire[1] and keep them cute and good natured at the same time. Can you imagine riding one? Wind whipping your hair to-and-fro, the freedom of the road calling your name as you approach a traffic packed intersection. Your squirrel scurries up a building and after running the length of the next several buildings, leaps across the intersection and continues its highroad path waiting on your signal. At your discretion your squirrel leaps back to the lane from whence you came and stops on a dime to prevent hitting a child chasing a loose soccer ball into the street, a child you didn’t see.  A child that, if you had been driving a car, would not realize his dreams of becoming an soccer superstar and a doctor.

  Running low on gas? Have some acorns! What is that, there is an acorn shortage?  Dang, I guess we will have to plant more trees. That Tom Johnson consumer just cut me off I’m going to fu – Oh the squirrel I am riding is just so cute! I feel nothing but exuberant joy and love, how could I ever have been so angry? We need to build more roads and bridges?  Eff that! I’m ridin’ my squirrel, we will swim[2] and traverse the trees!

  So let’s see here, so far we have people planting trees and picking nuts. Less road rage and accidents on the road. Interpretive roads so who needs transit planners. And just some plain ole great times on the road with your squirrel and everyone else riding one. Seems like I am forgetting one thing, oh right!

  I bet for the last few minutes scholars and literary puritans have spewed angry comments at my use of dire. Dire does have negative connotations. It is always dire consequences this and the situation is dire that. In this day when people read a three thousand page technical document in an hour and tell you they perused[3] it or when someone has a headache so bad that, they could  literally die. Who cares! Affixing dire to nouns that are anything but serious in a negative way, is no big deal. The irony is funny as long as users know it is ironic. Perhaps I am digressing into another blog post.  In fact I know I am.

[1]  Which means serious and serious means significant. It is commonly thought that if one were to see a squirrel ranging from 6 to 8 feet in length excluding the tail, that person would say: That is a serious squirrel!

[2] Yes they can!

[3] To study thoroughly