Sick On My Birthday: You Didn’t Have To Patient Zero

Well, it’s finally happened. I’m sick on my birthday! It took nearly half of my calculated life expectancy based on the national average life expectancy. I thought it could never happen to me. I’d never be sick on my birthday! Seriously, what kind of loser catches a cold in July? It’s hot, the human body isn’t wasting energy trying to keep warm and people are outside. How could anyone, anyone, be sick right now? It’s summer for the love of ghawd!

Granted this has been the slowest rolling summer ever. Mile long trains have been known to get moving faster than this season has. Sunburn one day. In a hoodie and jeans the next, albeit while still getting sunburned. Then rain for days. Which, the rain isn’t bad at all, it’s just odd that it’s happening.

I started feeling bad three days ago. Patient zero admitted he was sick three days prior to that. To that end, this could is just about over. I’ve probably already given it to people before I even knew what was happening. Luckily, it’s nothing like the cold I had a few months ago. My nose is just really snotty and I feel lazy. Sadly, I can only taste about forty percent of what eat and drink. Which is going to put a damper on the celebratory consumption.

I need to go party as much as I can. Here are some misquotes about being sick on my birthday. I made them up. Please, don’t sue me.

Tyler Durden said it:

“On a long enough timeline, everyone will be sick on their birthday.”

Bon Jovi said better:

“I’m a cowboy. On transit I ride. I’m si-ick!”


“On my birthday,  on my birthday-yay, on my birthday.”

Has anyone drawn comparisons between the video for “Blaze of Glory” and Fallout 3?

Another Sunburn: How Could It Even Happen?

I got another sunburn. This is the second one in two months. While the last one took place on a warm, sunny day, this one happened on on that was cloudy and cold. That’s right, it’s colder halfway through June then it was about a month ago. I’ve worn shorts and t-shirts on many occasions this year. I’ve perspired to radiant levels of glow. Yet this weekend, I had to hike up the jeans, button a flannel shirt and a zip up hoodie. Yeah right, climate change is a hoax. I’m dressed like it’s March, but it’s the middle of June. Seriously, a sunburn and a cloudy day go together like peanut butter and chocolate.

I was on a boat tour. As such, I thought it prudent to layer up. I didn’t want to be freezing fifteen minutes into the journey. No one wants to be cold on a two hour tour of Harrison Lake. We kept echo island just off of our portside* the entire voyage. We saw the horned owl shaped rock formation at Echo Bay and then continued on to Rainbow Falls before heading back.

Traveling at breakneck speeds of eight miles an hour can whip up the breeze. My, Made In The U.S.A. and Indonesia, cloth armor deflected all cold damage for the most part. I’d prepared properly as far as the clothing was concerned.

The return trip had the head wind, so it was a tad cooler. As such, I had to zip up my hoodie that crucial last quarter of an inch and use an old lady as a wind shield. Don’t worry about her, she was bundled up in a winter jacket. My guess is, this wasn’t her first boat trip rodeo. Regardless, it didn’t help and I was still just a bit chilly.

My hoodie stayed zipped up when I was back on shore. The flannel shirt remained buttoned for most of the car trip home. In other words, it wasn’t hot.

At no point did I feel like I was in danger of getting another sunburn. Which is something that I’ve been trained to deduce. Recognizing the warning signs and symptoms is practically an act of my subconscious. Typically, I don’t even have to think about it, I just get the notion that something is out of whack. Then it’s evasive maneuvers. Apply sunblock, run inside screaming, or at the very least, walk in the shade.

The sun appeared every now and again. It was like playing flash light tag with that dipshit in safety orange suit with tons of reflectors. It would be hours before I would realize what had happened. Only once did I feel the sunburn sting set in when I scratched my forehead. That evening, I realized that, once again, whatever travesty the fair skinned people of the world have committed against the sun, had been avenged several times folded it.

How big of a loser am I? How do I get another sunburn on a cloudy day? That’s rhetorical. How does anyone even go about getting a sunburn on a cloudy day. Don’t answer that either. I don’t need any Bill Nye The Science Guy crap. That is, unless you are the real Bill Nye. In that case, “Welcome!” and comment away. Tell the internet how silly I am, Bill. Be sure to mention this on twitter. Drive some traffic my way. You owe me Bill Nye consumed and shared your content when you were starting out. Sure it was the eighties, but I did my part. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go slather on the aloe.

*No I didn’t have to google this. A true boatsman knows what’s up. Wait, boatsman is a real word? I figured it was a layman’s made up word, but it isn’t. Hm.

Back In Your Ass With The Resurrection

Where the hell have I been? That weekly post sure didn’t come out last week. Nor was there any sort of little post saying what the hell was going on. Well, let me say that I’m sorry about that. I’ve been sick for days for damn near weeks. Yesterday was the first day that I actually felt and looked better. For days prior, yes, I was getting better, but I didn’t look it or sound it.

Sleazy chills, snotty nose and a cough that sometimes came with prizes and at other times, just wanted me to break a rib. In other words, I was gross. No one should have had to witness me. I probably would have been wet to the touch if my sweatpants hadn’t been “wicking” it away. My mind wasn’t in the game. I’d tried to do some writing and I barely got through the first three sentences of this post. Later I would have to rewrite it anyway and change the tense.

So I stopped and played World of Warcraft instead. Yeah. This is actually what I was going to write about. Two fridays ago, I resurrected my WoW account. I should say, I created a free account. I resurrected my account about five days later and have already let it slip into a state of disuse.

Anyway, as I created that free account, it felt like I was drunk. Like I wasn’t in control of my own actions. As if I were watching through my eyes as someone else controlled me and was doing some seriously squirrelly and out of character shit. That moment that I clicked okay and I was the proud owner of free account. I dismissed it, thought I probably wouldn’t really play. Told my wife and we both laughed it off.

Over the course of the next three days I took a character to the threshold of level 20 – for free. It was fantastic, I met other players. We LOL’ed, we killed stuff, we danced in some town. It was everything I remembered and yet better. I hadn’t played in ten years and that last bit was more dabbling that anything, but this seemed significantly different. I could solo like crazy. There wasn’t any wasted time. Tons of quests whose goals were in the same area. Go get this thing and kill ten of these things while you’re there, oh and grab five of these as well. Dopamine, anytime, all the time.

I liked it! That’s why I resurrected my old account and they gave me seven free days. Then, I realized how shitty my old characters were. I played for hours and didn’t run into anyone. So I made a new character on the server my free character* was on and leveled him to eighteen in one day. Not a full day mind you, just a normal sick day with some reading and acknowledgment of my wife’s existence.

It was still fun, I was into it. However, I was starting to feel better and WoW demands attention. It’s a thing that requires upkeep and time. Just like other important things in my life do. That’s why I had to let it go. Sorry, I can’t keep up with you, but you sure are fun.

*They can’t mingle for some reason