World Vegan Day


It’s World Vegan Day today! I had no idea. As a simple vegetarian, I didn’t get the invite. I’m sure it got lost in the mail or something. I’ll go check the old inbox after this. Usually, on these made up holidays that aren’t recognized by the government, I post this little gem. However, I agree with this holiday. I think people and the world would be further ahead if we quit eating so much damn meat.

For me it isn’t even about people giving up meat cold tofurkey. It’s about reducing the intake. Talking people into not ordering meat sandwiches for lunch and then throwing half of it away. Driving home that meat doesn’t grow on trees. Making people realize that vegetables, seasonings, and sauces taste great and that meat tastes like iron, blood, and brown.

Don’t worry, I’m not one of the extreme types. There isn’t a militant bone in my body and my high horse is more of Shetland Pony* named Riverdance. In fact, one could say that “I’m the kind of vegetarian people want to drink a beer with.” And as long as that beer doesn’t contain fish bladder, bacon or whatever else over zealous meat eaters – in an attempt to experience meat at every juncture of their day – have put in beer, I’m down.

To further the point that I’m highly accepting and approachable, I’d like to share a story. A few years back I had a small bite of bacon. After not having meat for several years, I thought it was somewhat important to set foot back in The Den of Evil. To test myself and see if I was speaking the truth when I said I didn’t miss it. What I experienced was weird. The bacon was salty, gristly, smokey. The kind of salty smoked fat that makes foodies think they are fucking Gordon Ramsey when they toss a rasher on anything that would suck otherwise. My head spun at the thought of the life that had been lost in order for everyone to eat this bacon. How that life sucked.

The experience didn’t weaken me, it increased my resolve. It has been almost nine years since I cut out the meat. Yes, all meat, even in stocks and gravies. I don’t miss it and I feel great about it. When my wife and I became vegetarians we did it for ethical reasons. As the years went on environment and health benefits compounded on top of that. There are all sorts of great dishes that can be made. How couldn’t there be, when only one ingredient is missing?

I don’t need meat. You don’t need meat. We don’t need meat. It’s hard on the environment and our bodies. It doesn’t do all that much good. There are plenty of sources of protein, if muscle building is your thing. Quit leaning on that excuse because of your unoptimized diet and your weak sub-par will. Stop thinking it’s fine because everyone else is doing it. Your food habit is hurting so many beings that it is mind boggling. And when minds are boggled, senses of humor become uncalibrated. Everything becomes super serious. No one can tell if something is a joke or not.

Meat doesn’t make one funny. It does quite the opposite actually, making one think that “zingers” such as “plants have feelings,” and “I’m a meatetarian,” are funny. Jokes like that aren’t funny and are proof that you saw Paul Blart 2 in theaters. If you want to own up to that on top of slaughtering animals and being generally harder on the environment, then go right ahead, enjoy your burger. Tell yourself that it’s okay because you once thought about not eating meat, but decided it was too hard. Tell everyone that you’re an animal lover as you grind that cow between your teeth. Go crowd fund Paul Blart 4 on kickstarter. You’re already an asshole and a terrible human being.

“Ha ha! High-Ho Riverdance! Away!” Clop-baclop-baclop
*Can we even say Shetland Pony in this age of political correctness and the easily offended?


Remember to comment, share, and eat your vegetables.

The Electric Company: A Shocking Realization

I live in beautiful British Columbia, in the GVRD to be specific. We get our electricity from our plentiful amounts of water. We also, like to call our electricity, hydro. Ever since the economy crashed and western culture – somewhat – turned toward green technologies, BC Hydro has had this campaign, Power Smart. The whole idea of the campaign is to get people to turn off their power when they aren’t using it. What a great idea to make people aware of how they are wasting money and impacting the environment.

I thought it was really cool at first. A big company telling people not to be jerks, that’s progress! However, as time went on I started to wonder why a company that makes money when I turn stuff on, would be reminding me to shut it off. In hindsight, I should have figured it out right away.

Basically, BC Hydro wants residents to shut stuff off so it can sell excess power at a premium. That is right, the hydro we don’t use is sold at a higher price to other areas. There are probably some tax kickbacks as well. Maybe BC Hydro can state that the excess power is a loss. Maybe it can say that due to the Power Smart Campaign it is trying to save the environment and get some tax credits that way. Maybe it is just flat out more money in general and there are no loopholes.

It isn’t illegal and I know that BC Hydro is just a squirrel in this world, trying to get a nut. However, it does seem a little shifty to be so preachy, just so it can make more money. What if your Mom told you to not eat everything on your plate. Then she would go sell your leftovers to the weird neighbor kid. That isn’t wrong, but it isn’t quite right either.

Of course, I am just spit balling here. Until recently, it was just a hunch and even now I don’t have all that much evidence. Although, last week there were some talks and articles revolving around BC and Alberta. British Columbia hasn’t been very open to letting Alberta crude flow through the province on its way to the pacific. Now, Alberta has a bargaining chip as the BC government was planning on selling excess electricity from the Site C dam. Turns out, Alberta just isn’t that interested because BC isn’t interested in oil. Kind of a pickle isn’t it? Well, there is always Washington!

Domesticated Dire Squirrels: Good For The Environment, Good For The Economy, Good For The English Language

Dire: adj. extremely serious or urgent. That is a serious hamburger.

  The other day I was driving down the street and as I approached an intersection some smart ass driving a Smart Car decided to over stretch passed his stop sign before coming to a complete stop. I slammed on my brakes and he looked at me solmenly, I could see the regret on his saving the world with fuel efficiency face.  The pain at his realization that the world would be destroyed because he had to come to a complete stop instead of rolling through maintaining that oh-so-crucial velocity was apparent. It got me thinking though, about how my Mazda Protege 5 could have totally rolled that car up like a booger and flicked it to the curb. The image of a undamaged smart car rolling a few times across the street, stopping on its wheels, and honking its cute little horn as it drove off played through my mind. That got me thinking, if I had a truck of Tiny Tom Johnson compensating proportions, I could have destroyed that Smart Car and totally ruined that guys day. That got me thinking about city travel, fuel efficiency, and eventually the economy.  I came to the only logical conclusion. Domesticated dire squirrels! Let’s look at some facts:

  • Oil sucks and alternative fuel sources either steal corn from babies mouths or seem to be a work of fiction.
  • Humans have ridden horses since forever and generally love enslaving animals, so why not squirrels.
  • Cute fuzzy things lower stress levels and squirrels are super cute. Thus dire squirrels lower stress even more because of their size.

  In this age on the cusp of modifying DNA and trying to save the world through lower emissions and alternative fuel sources, domesticated dire squirrels are truly the best answer. Scientists could manipulate squirrel DNA to make them dire[1] and keep them cute and good natured at the same time. Can you imagine riding one? Wind whipping your hair to-and-fro, the freedom of the road calling your name as you approach a traffic packed intersection. Your squirrel scurries up a building and after running the length of the next several buildings, leaps across the intersection and continues its highroad path waiting on your signal. At your discretion your squirrel leaps back to the lane from whence you came and stops on a dime to prevent hitting a child chasing a loose soccer ball into the street, a child you didn’t see.  A child that, if you had been driving a car, would not realize his dreams of becoming an soccer superstar and a doctor.

  Running low on gas? Have some acorns! What is that, there is an acorn shortage?  Dang, I guess we will have to plant more trees. That Tom Johnson consumer just cut me off I’m going to fu – Oh the squirrel I am riding is just so cute! I feel nothing but exuberant joy and love, how could I ever have been so angry? We need to build more roads and bridges?  Eff that! I’m ridin’ my squirrel, we will swim[2] and traverse the trees!

  So let’s see here, so far we have people planting trees and picking nuts. Less road rage and accidents on the road. Interpretive roads so who needs transit planners. And just some plain ole great times on the road with your squirrel and everyone else riding one. Seems like I am forgetting one thing, oh right!

  I bet for the last few minutes scholars and literary puritans have spewed angry comments at my use of dire. Dire does have negative connotations. It is always dire consequences this and the situation is dire that. In this day when people read a three thousand page technical document in an hour and tell you they perused[3] it or when someone has a headache so bad that, they could  literally die. Who cares! Affixing dire to nouns that are anything but serious in a negative way, is no big deal. The irony is funny as long as users know it is ironic. Perhaps I am digressing into another blog post.  In fact I know I am.

[1]  Which means serious and serious means significant. It is commonly thought that if one were to see a squirrel ranging from 6 to 8 feet in length excluding the tail, that person would say: That is a serious squirrel!

[2] Yes they can!

[3] To study thoroughly