Everybody’s Hugging Everybody: The Great Unification of 2018


Everybody’s Hugging Everybody.

Everybody’s hugging everybody. Champagne and other alcohol fly in every which way. Little pieces of paper descend from the sky. People turned to gravity and said, “Hold my nachos.” Whether people were shockingly disappointed or super duper excited, people dropped whatever they were holding and clung to one another. The Eagles won, or so I’ve heard, the internet wouldn’t lie would it?

Not That I Care.

I didn’t watch the game. In fact, I wasn’t even planning to capitalize on the trending beast, then I had a thought. America loves football, a lot. Either people love those teams outright or hate one of them enough to root for the other. If nothing else, people like snacks and need something to talk about between throat lacerating fistfuls of Doritos.

Then I Had This Thought.

At some point in time last night, a Republican and a emocratD unwittingly treated one another with the decency that is given to everyone. I’m not talking about people who know how each other voted. I mean strangers at bars and at parties. Those people who just joined in comradery or be a contrarianism. Who chose to hate or love one of those teams at some point in their lives. Whether it was fifty years ago or two weeks, they were unified.

In those final moments, they consoled one another or tossed a cold one the other’s way. That had to happen somewhere in the 9.8 square kilometer* of country. People left the MAGA hats and the “I Watched Hamilton and All I Got Was A Boner.” t-shirts at home.

I Could Be Wrong

That is of course unless every democrat chose to cheer for the deep state establishment called the New England Patriot. Not only would that be typical, that would mean that there were a lot of green jerseys and red hats. I have to admit, that sounds very festive.

#DrainTheSwampEaglesDrainTheSwamp

Err.. I mean.

#FLYEAGLESFLY!


*google the miles.

It’s The Great Orange F*ck Head Charlie Brown!

 Personally, I don’t get truly get it. The extent some people are willing to go because they are upset. I understand, there are a lot of things to be unsatisfied with. However, I don’t get a lot of the things that they are unsatisfied about. I also, cannot for the life of me, understand their proposed fix. Sure he is certainly not the status quo. Yet, he comes from the pool of status quo, more of a by-product of the status quo. Like the toxic bull shit from the Lake Eerie of the status quo. Like some sort of baby boomer mutant antisemite yam tempura roll that grew from said toxic bull shit. A powerful businessman, whose type has helped create the current situation people are wanting change from. He is exclusionary, incendiary, and, well, fucking racist. He’s been called the law and order candidate, even though he is surrounded by barely contained chaos. He says he will end terrorism, while scaring the shit out of people. He is Donald Trump, the official Republican nominee.   

 How is this possible? Well, a bunch of fucking militant hobbit like, shire dwellers let their ignorance and fear sweep over them. Projecting their small-town childhoods on the rest of the country. Remember when we didn’t have the talking pictures that showed all the violence? Remember when we had to subscribe to HBO and wait until the sun went down to get our jollies off? Remember when everyone was white and straight?

 To make matters worse, they are now trying to force their bullshit freedom encroaching ideas on the rest of us in the name of freedom. Because they are afraid of dying and afraid they aren’t free. Let me tell you, if nominating the great orange fuckhead as your candidate isn’t freedom, I don’t know what is.

  In this time of poorly defined patriotism, I really want to point out something. Basically, if I don’t whoop like a lobotomized idgit every time someone says, America, Freedom, or Toby Keith, then I apparently don’t love my country. So, I can’t say to my country, “Baby, those jeans make you look a little fat.” without a bunch of knobby so-called-patriots calling me out as unpatriotic. Yet, they can deliver a presidential candidate who is essentially all three vials of the lethal injection in one very convenient and racist package labeled orange juice. What the hell is actually wrong here? I love my country. I don’t want to have some loon in power. I don’t want the stereotypical loud, brash, fat, unattractive, self-centered, self-righteous, internationally ignorant, American as president.

 I can’t believe he has actually made it this far. Every step of the way people have said “It is a joke.” Whenever he says his latest crazy thing, people say “He isn’t serious,” as they try to reason that no one that close to power could be that crazy.

 He isn’t joking! People without senses of humor do not joke. He is a psychopath. He isn’t empathizing with you. He doesn’t care about you. He is only trying to help himself and his kind. All he is doing is appealing to the basest nature of our basest people and somehow looking like change to others.

 Sure, I will admit that he is change. He is different, but so is having sex with a rodeo clown. One of the ones that has to paint the smile on. One of the ones that insist on being called Louis L’Amour while being choked out. Afterward, the tears turn down the dial on the smile all the while “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy” repeats. Now that! Is fucking different! That! Is change! Best of all it won’t fuck the rest of us, just you.

Just because I’m bagging on O-range-and-Tang does not mean that I’m voting democrat. Although, my resolve is beginning to waiver.

Left or Right

 While readers may think that this post is going to be dealing with the a difference between left wing and right wing politics, they would be only half right. Because first of all, what is the difference – oh zing! – and second of all what other lefts and rights are there?

 This week is one of those magical weeks when we are once again reminded that politicians are far cooler than we’ll ever be. That they have powers, resources, and networking skills that many of us can only dream of. It is the day when depending on what side of the fence you are on, Hillary is free from the zillion dollar GoP witch hunt or a criminal has been let go.

 Personally, I don’t really like to be on one side of the fence anymore. Instead I like to position myself right in the center and enjoy the painful wedgie. Yep, nothing better than getting a wedgie from rational, well balanced thought. Sure I have a tendency to lean to the left, but you try to sit there with your boxers held up in box canyon for hours at a time, all the while listening to ninnies and harpies go on at each other. Defending candidates that couldn’t care less about them.

 Come on everyone step closer to the fence. Lean on up against it. I implore you! I beg you! If this were a ship, and every four years we had a vote to pick who was going to steer the ship – by that I don’t mean the captain, I mean the person that is going to physically touch the steering wheel of the ship and spin the wheel – would we want someone who is going to crank the wheel far to the left, followed by someone who is going to spin it far to the right? Hell no we wouldn’t! We would want someone to keep it dead freakin’ center, unless we were turning. We may also want someone who uses punctuation, but I am not on trial here. In fact, no one is.

 To fully interpret and appreciate the correct meaning of the title of today’s post, one must look at themselves in the mirror and ask themselves one question. “Do I want to be shot in the left knee or the right knee?” According to what I heard when I watched Reservoir Dogs five years ago, the knee is one the most painful places to be shot. Which, seems on par with getting a bad leader.

 When both of these candidates seem to be coated in the teflon. When both act almost as childish and tasteless as the other. When many articles and tweets concede that one’s party-of-choice candidate is bad, but not as bad as the other one. Then we are truly being given the choice of two equally painful places to be shot.

 It doesn’t make any sense to me. There are other viable choices from the Libertarian and Green Parties. Why don’t we start a write in campaign for Bernie. Damnit, he shouldn’t have ran as a democrat! It’s 2016 and this is where we are at? Come November 8th, maybe don’t be so gung ho to pick your favorite of the big two. Don’t be afraid to “throw away” your vote on a candidate not affiliated with the major two. Don’t roll up your pant legs and take one for the team. Because there really isn’t much of a team anymore. Just two parties that have divided the shit out of this nation, but they haven’t conquered us yet.