Is It Too Late To Go To The RNC?

 My wife was in full blown ironic, self-harm mode last night. It didn’t matter what I said, my pleas for respecting oneself went unheeded. She watched over an hour of the Republican National Convention. Over that hour, I tried to ignore it by turning up my music to deafening levels. However, there were moments that I could hear what was happening. Some of it caught my interest, to the point I had to remove headphones and listen. I have to admit I don’t know why I was so hesitant. Once I relaxed, I really enjoyed it.

 What isn’t to love about a bunch of good ole people getting together and saying the status quo, the current situation, and stuff we did back in the 50’s works for us? People who say, we don’t want to change a goddamn thing, except for: too many brown people, too many atheists, women are lippy, and bring back prayer in school. I saw people who were not only worried about the safety of their physical vessels – to near ludicrous levels – while on this harsh earth, but were also deeply concerned about the pristineness of their souls. Especially, once those damn dirty liberals take away the guns and they are unable to defend themselves from the terrorist strike that occurs moments later. Alanis Morissette couldn’t even write a song about that kind of irony!

 Then a blue collar multi-millionaire got up on stage and said he knew what it was like to be the common folk. Who cares if he hasn’t had to pack his lunch, take care of his kids, stretch a minimum wage paycheck, get stuck in traffic, knows how to hide his taxes in offshore bank accounts. He is just a cheap beer drinking, Larry The Cable Guy loving, driving with the windows down while blasting Toby Keith, blue collar guy. He could literally work right alongside you at your job. However, he doesn’t because he is fucking a millionaire. All he had to do was a say that, “America isn’t safe, non-white male hetero people, America.”

 As far as the America isn’t safe thing, are they shooting for a zero percent fail rate? How many more liberties are people actually willing to have encroached upon in order to keep themselves safe and “free.” Wait, wait. I’m doing it wrong. I started thinking again, back to the RNC.

 Screw music festivals and drugs as a way to decompress and avoid the stresses of day to day life. The RNC seemed better for the physical body, plus most people seemed to have showered before they came. Speaking of indoor plumbing, the RNC has it! Which is something most musical festivals don’t.

 Sure, maybe the music that is played isn’t quite your thing. Perhaps the fact that you understand the Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born in the U.S.A.’ is a scathing critique, not a celebration. Sure, maybe jabbing a metal skewer through an ocular cavity and swishing it around the frontal lobe will be necessary for one to fully enjoy the benefits of the RNC, but when in Rome.  

 In the end, life just seems easier at the RNC. For instance, I didn’t realize that racism and the environment weren’t actually issues. All it took was some rich guy getting up on stage and telling me to not worry about it. Silly me, all these years wasted trying to be a better person and – albeit shallowly – trying to leave the world in a better place.  

 But fuck it! It isn’t a problem, nothing is. Not with my gun by my side, women’s bodies under the full control of the government, and plenty of laws and social barriers to marginalize non-white male heteros. A totalitarian religious regime, what could possibly wrong?
Just because I’m bagging on the GOP does not mean that I’m voting democrat.

Dernt Terk Er Gerns!

I’ve written several times about gun control. Sure, I’ve seasoned the posts with a dash of my usual dry humor, but they were mostly serious. You can read them for yourself and be the judge. However, if the spirit moves you toward humor, then perhaps you should simply read on.

I received a well written comment a few days ago on one of these serious posts. A fellow Canadian thoroughly buttered my biscuits and pretty much fell in line with things that I said and mentioned a few things that I didn’t fully touch on. In closing he said, “The question is now whether there is a better alternative than bearing arms in order to achieve the objectives that the Founding Fathers envisaged.”

That got me thinking, I’ve always been thinking, but this was more than usual. Plus, I am just pissed off and exhausted over hearing gun enthusiasts defend their god given right to aid in the killing of innocent people whenever the mood strikes them or their creepy kid gets the keys to the gun closet.

What are some alternatives to guns? What are some incentives for people turning in their point and clickers of death? What are some silver medals for ostracized Trump supporters to purchase in a – hopefully – much needed pick me up on November, 9th?

Self-defense lessons at the learning annex – Guns are the remote controls of death and defense. Why not, end the perpetrators life with bad ass martial arts skills? How cool would that be? No one goes to Jason Statham movies to watch him shoot people. We want to see the leg sweep, mid-air throat grab, ground slam, knife to the left ocular cavity!

An interpretive dance course at the same learning annex – Defend yourself through the magic of dances inspired by flamenco and zoomba! Grab that perpetrator and unleash the forbidden powers of the tango. While the rose may be on a, while supplies last basis, who leads is not. Lead the perpetrator to their end by taking and holding them until authorities arrive. Spin and whirl them to the point of disorientation. Never let go! Drag them to and fro across the room. Is that lust in their eyes? Sweep the leg, grab the throat, slam, forcefully place knife or rose in left ocular cavity!

Mascot courses at the learning annex – Why conceal your guns when you can conceal yourself in a man sized red breasted warbler suit? Not to be confused with a giant chicken suit or the giant chicken in the suit, this bad boy allows paranoid cowards to quit worrying about their inherent safety and fall in love with life all over again. This time without the tin foil hat conspiracy theory and inaccurate self-evaluation that makes them feel like they need a gun to fight off the government. On the rare chance that some shenanigans do arise, all one must do is simply flap their wings in a warning fashion and emit a warbling sound. The redbreast will appear and frighten off most non-red-green color blind attackers. If one flaps their arms fast enough, causing the red to flicker, one may cause the onset of a photosensitive seizure, if the attacker is prone to such things. At which point, one will have ample opportunity to sweep the leg, grab the throat, slam, ram the beak into the left ocular cavity.

I came up with all three of these in just a few minutes. What the hell could a team or committee of people come up with? Actually, after the sit-in and several bills being shot down, not much.

Jim Himes Is A Bad Ass

Before tonight, I had no idea who Jim Himes was. In fact, when I saw him trending for not taking part in a moment of silence, I assumed he had done so because he was some sort of hate filled douche canoe. How wrong I was! Turns out he is a Democrat with an actual set of ethical testicles. He walked out on the Republican lead moment of silence because he is tired of it. I agree. Not because of his party affiliation, but because I’m tired of it too.

What good are thoughts and prayers? Not very much when there is a new shooting every couple of weeks. It would seem no one has any productive thoughts and the prayers are going unanswered. Before Orlando, I don’t remember the last time I really took note of the latest mass shooting in the States. I usually get a little flustered. I mean, there is a serious freaking issue, the answer isn’t easy, and a lot of people don’t want to even try to fix it.

I’ve written about gun control before. I’ve read plenty of articles and posts from both sides. I’m of the mindset that civilians don’t need assault rifles. Why do we need guns designed to easily kill people in combat situations? On the off chance the government turns on us? They are going to attack us with drones and smartphones. In case the aliens come back for Trump? They aren’t coming back for him and honestly they can have him and Hillary.

So, what exactly constitutes an assault rifle? I don’t know, how about big two handed mother fuckers that are fully automatic? Any size of gun that shoots many bullets again and again. What about any gun with a high capacity magazine. How about anything that hunters wouldn’t shoot a deer with? What if we simply asked ourselves, “What would Charles Bronson shoot with this?” If the answer isn’t an animal in order to put food on the table, then fuck it!

Regardless, with the fact that pellet guns are viewed as toys because they shoot five feet per second less than a “real” gun, I’m sure we will be unhappy with the ruling to some degree. Anything would be a start though. Anything would be a start? That is how bad this is! I will take a senator farting on a piece of paper as a sign of progress.

Yet, how do we go about catching air with our bare hands? How do we put the genie back in the bottle? How do we go about not alienating the responsible gun enthusiasts, while getting guns away from assholes. I don’t fully know, nor do I get paid to figure it out. However the government does, so instead of being silent, why don’t they pull their hands out of the NRA’s pockets and fix the fucking problem?

Come on gun people! I know this is your passion but for fuck’s sake, your passion is killing innocent people. I’ve read your stuff and I’ve seen the logic in some of your reasons. Sure Chicago works, for some reason. Maybe it is because everyone has a gun, but do we really want to live like we are in the wild west? Yes, the founding fathers said we had a right to bare arms, but they didn’t know about AR-15’s or Sig Sauer MCX’s. Also, the reason to keep guns was to hunt and to protect the country by being a member of a militia. It wasn’t about preparing for the off chance that you may get your very own John McClane moment.

I agree that if some asshole wants to kill people they can find alternate means. However, assholes seem to prefer guns. They are easy to get and easy to use. Trucks of fertilizer take too long to fill, box cutters take too much physical effort, shoe bombs don’t work, and dynamite? Honestly, where the hell does one buy dynamite? Maybe by the time they found some they will have had time to cool down. To get the help they need.



Gun Reduction: A Slightly Left Leaning Compromise of Thought

I recently choked down an article from a website that I am not exactly a member of the website’s demographic. The post was an actor’s thoughts on the Charleston shooting and gun control. In short, if someone had had a gun in Charleston, lives would have been saved. This is the same argument many gun enthusiasts use every single time there is a shooting. It may actually be true if this were Hollywood and we were all a bunch of John McClanes. We aren’t though. In a situation like that many of us would be lucky to not go full Mr. Bean.

There have been a lot of shootings in the states in recent years. So many, that people inside and out of the states don’t seem to stop and take note the way they once did. Perhaps a shrug of the shoulders or a nod of the head. Each of these events is tragic, but we seem absolutely powerless and unwilling to change. One side stands up in an act of futility and tries to disarm everyone. While the other side, who seems to fear government enslavement – completely missing the irony of our current situation that includes taxes, loans, mortgages, healthcare and day jobs – stands up and says “No!”

I mean I get that it is a right to have guns and they make some people feel safe. We have had guns for hundreds of years and they are a hobby for some. However, do we really need so fucking many? Especially the ones with one intent and that is to kill a lot of people easily? I really want to stress that I am not talking about all the guns. I am talking about guns that were designed for armed forces and police departments.

Look, guns are a tool and I begrudgingly concede the point that it is all about how one uses the gun. However, there are some guns that were made to put food on the table and protect. By protect I mean deter. While other guns were designed to kill people who were also firing back from behind concrete barriers and couches. The latter is what I am asking about. Do civilians truly need those guns? Professional level guns that have in turn required police departments to get even bigger guns among other scary equipment.

How many shootings have happened where the argument has been, if someone had had a gun lives could have been saved? Yeah, if specially trained racist eradicating deinonychuses had been there, lives would have been saved? If someone invented a time travelling robot to eradicate racist dickholes, lives would have been saved?

None of those things seem like they will ever happen. Especially the first one. How many shootings have happened? How many times has someone present at the shooting – who isn’t the shooter – had a gun? How many times have they saved lives and stopped the shooter? Having a gun doesn’t necessarily equal protection.

If gun is a tool and it doesn’t kill people, then it sure as hell can’t save lives either. People will not be safer, there will just be more civilians with more guns. Some may want to kill people, some may only want to kill people that try to kill them first – which is a line that shouldn’t be easily crossed. They may be trained and licensed, but how would they handle that situation? This isn’t shooting at a target or animal. This isn’t the movies. It won’t be like Die Hard or Red Dawn or whatever they think it will be like. It will be terrifying and there will be two people with guns and adrenaline pumping and it will be in a fucking crazy situation.

We are talking civilians doing things that soldiers and police officers have been trained to do. Some if not many of these specially trained people develop post traumatic stress syndrome. Yes, for many different reasons, but one is the situation of shooting and killing another human being. What if, in the heat of the moment, they shoot the wrong person? Is everyone ready to deal with that? While I am a big fan of living, I for one couldn’t. Judging by how many times a gunman has been met by gun toting citizens, I don’t believe I am the only one.