Simon and Simon: And The Case of Teaching Us How To Love Again


Admit it, you hear the slide guitar in your head. That scratchy riff. The bumping of the kick drum. You may be heading off to the internet to track down the theme song, so let me help you out. Let it jog your memory. Let it carry you off to the memories of yesteryear. Ah, such a great song!

Now, I’m not going to act like I was a huge fan of the show. I was ten when it was canceled. There is no Rick cosplay costume in my closet. I never attended the Simon and Simon Con and Con. In fact, I don’t remember that much about the show. No episode is stuck in my mind. Hell, I had to google their names. When I read Rick, it rang a bell, but Andrew “A.J.” Jackson didn’t really.

The show was about two brothers. One who had gotten too big for his britches and moved to, not only the big city, but Cali-forn-I-A. While the other stayed behind and then went off to ‘Nam. For some reason, they decide to open a Private Detective agency. Good times ensued and conflicting differences occurred. Mr. Fancy pants A.J. was the well-to-do, practicing Catholic, book smart guy who played by the rules, mostly. Meanwhile, Rick was never seen without a combination of a mustache, denim or cowboy boots, yes, even in shorts. He was surly, ornery, and in general rootin’-tootin’.

Needless to say, their case solving styles were different. Sometimes one of them wanted to punch a guy, while the other one figured it was best to hit said guy with their truck then punch him. Even so, they were able to put aside their differences and solve over one hundred and fifty* cases. Still, there is one case they didn’t solve. A case they didn’t even know existed. For the crime wouldn’t be committed for almost thirty more years.That’s the Case of the Divided people!

Coast to coast. Urban to rural. Facebook to twitter. We’ve quickly become people that can’t fathom speaking with someone on the “other side.” Compromise isn’t a word we seem to be familiar with. All we want to do is to keep posting our one-sided feel good, won’t convert anyone’s thoughts memes.

Here’s the thing, even if they wanted to solve the case, they couldn’t. Simon and Simon, could not exist right now. Not in the current bi-partisan polar opposite climate. Not in the fake news thumping, finger pointing, dick wagging, hear no republican, speak no democrat, see no – whatever – bullshit spree we are on about. If it did, it would bomb when one of the two groups easily offended snowflakes started complaining. Either Rick is too much of a racist redneck or A.J. would be a fast talkin’ sissy. Take your pick. In truth, neither one would actually be offensive to anyone except the snowflakes.

Yet, I would argue that we need Simon and Simon. Now more than ever! The only way they could solve this case is by demonstrating acts of brotherly love and acceptance. Rick and A.J. could easily show us how it’s done. Extending the hand and not giving into the temptation to strike one another in the mouth.

Come on Hollywood do it! Bring it back! Get Gerald McRaney and Jameson Parker back in there. If it makes you feel better, I’ll even let you cast Danny McBride and James Franco or Zac Efron. Make it a bit more of comedy if you’d like. Don’t go dark with it. Opening sequence, two brothers step out of the voting booth, as the place their “I voted stickers” on their lapels, they look each other dead in the eyes. A tense moment passes and then, a good ol’ brotherly rivalry fueled eighties fight scene ensues – please include a water fountain. Because let’s face it, Rick and A.J. would have voted for Trump and Hillary respectively. Sure A.J. may have toyed with the idea of Gary Johnson, but he eventually came around.


*This is based on the assumption that they solved one case per episode.


President Trump, Maybe We’ll Laugh


Well, the election didn’t turn out how I’d hoped. I assumed it would be a nail biter, but I figured Hillary would have come out on top. I hoped beyond hope that many historical republican voters would turn against Trump. My fingers were crossed that Bernie supporters – like me – would let it go. I’d wished for the progress, that had started eight years ago, to continue. That many would not allow Trump’s hate filled rhetoric to come to describe American’s.

That didn’t happen. Instead we got some guy who is a tumor of the current system – the same system many claim to hate and want changed. I don’t trust him nor agree with him. I don’t think he can do the job. Nor do I want him representing my country.

His words and actions have riled up everyone on both sides. First it was his supporters, by stating or insinuating that everyone not white and straight was the reason for all their problems. Now, the anti-supporters are riled up. Because his policies and everything he has said, is about going back. Every hard earned step toward acceptance and away from humanity’s base fears and emotions is in jeopardy. The all clear has been given to be an entitled hateful chode pasture and while not all of his supporters demonstrate such behavior, many do. Sadly at the moment, many of the anti-supporters do as well.

To Those Who Voted For Him

I get that things need improvement – I wasn’t happy with everything either. Shockingly, we may align on more things than who we voted for reveals at first glance. I know that some haven’t been as lucky as others. Jobs have disappeared and your way of life is endangered. You felt marginalized. The existing powers haven’t done right by you. That you wanted change.

Yet, you re-elected almost all of that non-working congress. An embodiment of the partisan, career politicians, that have been corrupted by lobbyists and work against you. Which was the exact thing you said you were against. If you wanted change so bad, then why aren’t they gone? Was that something you didn’t think about, intended to fix in the next election, or is it because you didn’t really want change?

Perhaps you wanted to not have to aspire to be better any longer. To go back to a simpler time that only exists in John Mellencamp songs and your misunderstanding of Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” Just simple straight white people and jobs. Jobs, jobs, jobs! Who cares about the world economy that your favorite, President Regan, helped set in motion. Screw equality and progress. Fuck the environment! Although, it is hard to have jobs when the fucking planet is on fire. Ironically, we won’t need the goddamn cars you want to make when we are under water!

To All of Us (I’m Almost Done Gripin’)

Maybe it won’t be as bad as I fear. Perhaps Trump – like many politicians – won’t make good on many of his campaign promises. I would be fine with that. Maybe he did it all, just to appeal to the most base, greedy and fearful qualities in some Americans. If nothing else, we get to stress test the shit out of checks and balances and see how well The Founding Father’s designed this governing system.

So, maybe in four years – gahwd forbid eight – we will look back on this and laugh. Things may be different. The sky may be red, cities may be burned out shells, and ambient foreboding dystopian synth loops may be on repeat from the heavens, but we could laugh. I may have an eye patch, developed a love for cigars, replaced my severed right hand with a cybernetic one, love me a leather trench coat, not own a single t-shirt with sleeves, learned to ride a motorcycle, and have a black muscle car with a trunk full of weaponry, but we could laugh, laugh, laugh.

“Get the fuck down!” I yell at you while punching you in the ear and shoving you toward the floor a bit harder than necessary – can’t deny that wasn’t because you voted for Trump. I am continuous motion as my cybernetic hand whips out a kick ass fully automatic shotgun, while my left – still stinging from you ear – pulls out a dystopian future modded uzi. Both open fire on the screeching winged demon that was about to haul you back to its nest and I feed you to its babies. Because that is what the future looks like. Roaming packs of fucking winged demons! All because some fed him after midnight! But we could laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh!



Feel free to share and comment. I would really appreciate it.

Time Change and The Election (Fall Back and Go Stuff Yo’self!)

I ’d like to think that I speak for all of the Pacific Northwest* when I say, “Screw the time change!”

What a bunch seagull crap! As if it weren’t dark enough already! Now I get to work an hour after the sun rises and then get to look out the window as the light fades from existence by 3:30 p.m. The last part of that sentence is kind of dependent on whether or not it’s been raining all day. Spoiler alert, it has been raining all day! It’s always been raining all day! So, it’s extra, unholy, end of days, black as midnight on a moonless night, dark by 3:30 p.m. in the afternoon.

What are we, a bunch fucking time travelers? No, nothing that cool. We aren’t even “The Butterfly Effect time traveling cool.” We’re a bunch of chumps that screw with our clocks and deal with the issues. Which there seems to be plenty of.

According to internet data, for about a week after each of the space-time continuum anomalies, auto accidents spike and people are just constantly tired and hungry. Productivity takes a dip. Binge watching goes through the roof and so does pizza consumption. Why? Because no one cares!

Why do we do this? Beats the shit out of me! There are plenty of thoughts as to why we keep this antiquated practice going. One of them seems to be about saving money on electricity. First, why the hell would the electric company not want my money? Are they trying to sell excess electricity to the states for more money and counting it as a “loss” on their taxes? Second, I’ve been writing this since 4 a.m. with the lights on. That’s two and half hours earlier than normal. So jokes on you mother-stuffers!

Worse yet, the U.S. presidential election is tomorrow! Not only are the lazy and jaded people – who probably weren’t going to vote in the first place – going to be even more duck facey than usual, they will also have the extra excuse of having their internal clocks thrown off. Terrific! Finally,  a good portion of people will be disappointed Tuesday night. Hell, maybe we all will be! So, get over it! Pile on exhaustion, hunger, and constipation onto that disappointment and yell “Fall back and go stuff yo’self!”

Finally,  a good portion of people will be disappointed Tuesday night. Hell, maybe we all will be! So, get over it! Pile on exhaustion, hunger, and constipation onto that disappointment and yell “Fall back and go stuff yo’self!”

So, do you like the time change? Love when the sun ceases to exist? Let me know below!
*Pacific Southwest in Canada!


Please share, comment, and go to bed at decent hour

Mike Pence Tapped For Major Motion Picture 2020

The following is a little satirical article I’ve had sitting in a folder for awhile now. Thought that Election Eve would be a special enough occasion to pull it out. Enjoy! Or not.


Over the last few weeks, the Trump campaign has experienced more than it’s fair share of setbacks. Many of these incidents occur when he opens his mouth in public or around recording equipment. Most recently were the recordings of him displaying how to sexually harass women. Not that anyone with a good judge of character needed a tape of him demonstrating how to be a gross 80’s Guy to know that he’d probably done such things.

As soon as that tape was released, Mike Pence began to distance himself. Saying that, “He was disgusted and was going to pray for Donald and his family.” In an effort to look like good people, other republicans began to renounce their support. During the same period, it was announced that Pence was a front runner for president in 2020.

When asked, Pence responded – after several minutes of anti-Hillary commentary – with this, “To answer your question though, I’m flattered that the GOP has put me at the top of their list. However, after running with Donny for the last year, I’ve lost my taste for politics. It’s really done a number on me. I feel that something higher is calling me. Something that is bigger than me, America and Donald.”

When asked if that calling was philanthropy, charity, or to help the down trodden, he just looked as if he’d never heard anything more off base in his entire life.

“No, I’ve been in talks with Hollywood producers about portraying a role that has been near and dear to my heart for a long time. A man that I grew up watching and who helped shape me into the exemplary man I am today. I’ve been tapped to play Race Bannon in the live action Jonny Quest reboot in 2020. Heck, it may be even sooner if Donald’s past keeps catching up with him and we don’t get into office.” He finished with a wry grin.

Jonny Quest fans, keep your fingers crossed.




The Never-Ending Campaign (Ahh-ahh-ahhh-aahh-aahh-aaaaahh)


Will this campaign ever end? November 8th can’t get here fast enough! I am absolutely tired of waiting to get this damn thing over with. In fact, I think everyone is! Who isn’t irritable and getting more frustrated by the second. Am I the only one tired of being barraged by snot nosed tattle-talings from both camps? If your mind isn’t already made up, then it never will be. Seriously, I have seen Canadians that, in a hypothetical scenario would both vote for the same candidate, fighting with each other. Enough is enough! Roll the credits! Warm up the bus!

I decided who I’m going to vote for a couple of weeks ago. Am I excited about it? Not really. To be honest, I can’t see how anyone is excited about this election. Even if they were in love with a candidate months ago, said candidate has been dragged through the mud and shown to be one of the worst people alive. Seriously, who wants either of the top two. They are ruined husks of their former selves. Spouting more rhetoric and tattling on one another. What about those other two? Short answer, “Who gives a shit?”

This is the downside of having campaigns drag on for two years. Familiarity breeds contempt. All the shit they hid and the shit they forgot they did comes to light. People are literally sifting through emails. Hoping to find Hillary’s demon summoning spell. Another group of sad sacks are spending time watching Donald Trump look less like The Annoying Orange as they travel back in time, to a period when he was only slightly physically repulsive.

Isn’t that funny? Trump’s tech vice shows how old he is. The bane of his technological existence is video. Not even HD video, this is that old crap from the nineties. The kind of stuff that was in a 4:3 aspect ratio and required bunny ears. Remember those TV’s? Sweet cheese pots, some of them were just as fat and heavy as Trump himself.

At least, Hillary is living proof that old people shouldn’t be on the internet. As fogies don’t seem to be able to wrap their heads around it. Unable to accept that it is a real and tangible part of our daily lives, they put all sorts of information everywhere, they don’t hide any of it, and they click every single pop up. Every! Single! Pop-up!

If Kim Kardashian really wanted to break the internet she would assemble a rougish five person team of old people. What did they do in a previous life? Demolitions expert? Green Beret? Accountant? Who cares because they can quite literally fuck technology up regardless of background. Just hand them some laptops and maybe a van to cruise around. That way they can pooch traffic while they are waiting for Yahoo tech support to get back to them.

So where was I? Right! The last few months haven’t helped me choose a candidate. Instead, it’s undermining my hopes for a better tomorrow. I don’t like either of them, but I prefer one over the other. In addition, it’s causing these two to not debate issues. Where’s climate change? Why are we still talking about abortion? Let it go already! That way, we can talk about more current issues that are causing some serious problems!

In fact, I still don’t know what Trump’s plans actually are. He just seems like a man who is going to drive to Ikea without asking for directions and is going to assemble that bookcase without reading the instructions. All while being a gluten chugging, Van Hagar favoring, plastic bamboo douche chute!

Oh well, just a few more weeks and it will all be over with. Then people can start with the “I told you so’s.” We can sign recount petitions. Maybe start this term’s birther movement. Until then, the tattles can keep coming. Concerned citizens everywhere are standing by with phones ready. Fully prepared to record, post and share the next example of debauchery that occurs. Just be sure to grab the torches and pitchforks before you start live tweeting!


Also, be sure to comment, like, and share.  You’re the best!

It’s The Great Orange F*ck Head Charlie Brown!

 Personally, I don’t get truly get it. The extent some people are willing to go because they are upset. I understand, there are a lot of things to be unsatisfied with. However, I don’t get a lot of the things that they are unsatisfied about. I also, cannot for the life of me, understand their proposed fix. Sure he is certainly not the status quo. Yet, he comes from the pool of status quo, more of a by-product of the status quo. Like the toxic bull shit from the Lake Eerie of the status quo. Like some sort of baby boomer mutant antisemite yam tempura roll that grew from said toxic bull shit. A powerful businessman, whose type has helped create the current situation people are wanting change from. He is exclusionary, incendiary, and, well, fucking racist. He’s been called the law and order candidate, even though he is surrounded by barely contained chaos. He says he will end terrorism, while scaring the shit out of people. He is Donald Trump, the official Republican nominee.   

 How is this possible? Well, a bunch of fucking militant hobbit like, shire dwellers let their ignorance and fear sweep over them. Projecting their small-town childhoods on the rest of the country. Remember when we didn’t have the talking pictures that showed all the violence? Remember when we had to subscribe to HBO and wait until the sun went down to get our jollies off? Remember when everyone was white and straight?

 To make matters worse, they are now trying to force their bullshit freedom encroaching ideas on the rest of us in the name of freedom. Because they are afraid of dying and afraid they aren’t free. Let me tell you, if nominating the great orange fuckhead as your candidate isn’t freedom, I don’t know what is.

  In this time of poorly defined patriotism, I really want to point out something. Basically, if I don’t whoop like a lobotomized idgit every time someone says, America, Freedom, or Toby Keith, then I apparently don’t love my country. So, I can’t say to my country, “Baby, those jeans make you look a little fat.” without a bunch of knobby so-called-patriots calling me out as unpatriotic. Yet, they can deliver a presidential candidate who is essentially all three vials of the lethal injection in one very convenient and racist package labeled orange juice. What the hell is actually wrong here? I love my country. I don’t want to have some loon in power. I don’t want the stereotypical loud, brash, fat, unattractive, self-centered, self-righteous, internationally ignorant, American as president.

 I can’t believe he has actually made it this far. Every step of the way people have said “It is a joke.” Whenever he says his latest crazy thing, people say “He isn’t serious,” as they try to reason that no one that close to power could be that crazy.

 He isn’t joking! People without senses of humor do not joke. He is a psychopath. He isn’t empathizing with you. He doesn’t care about you. He is only trying to help himself and his kind. All he is doing is appealing to the basest nature of our basest people and somehow looking like change to others.

 Sure, I will admit that he is change. He is different, but so is having sex with a rodeo clown. One of the ones that has to paint the smile on. One of the ones that insist on being called Louis L’Amour while being choked out. Afterward, the tears turn down the dial on the smile all the while “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy” repeats. Now that! Is fucking different! That! Is change! Best of all it won’t fuck the rest of us, just you.

Just because I’m bagging on O-range-and-Tang does not mean that I’m voting democrat. Although, my resolve is beginning to waiver.

Left or Right

 While readers may think that this post is going to be dealing with the a difference between left wing and right wing politics, they would be only half right. Because first of all, what is the difference – oh zing! – and second of all what other lefts and rights are there?

 This week is one of those magical weeks when we are once again reminded that politicians are far cooler than we’ll ever be. That they have powers, resources, and networking skills that many of us can only dream of. It is the day when depending on what side of the fence you are on, Hillary is free from the zillion dollar GoP witch hunt or a criminal has been let go.

 Personally, I don’t really like to be on one side of the fence anymore. Instead I like to position myself right in the center and enjoy the painful wedgie. Yep, nothing better than getting a wedgie from rational, well balanced thought. Sure I have a tendency to lean to the left, but you try to sit there with your boxers held up in box canyon for hours at a time, all the while listening to ninnies and harpies go on at each other. Defending candidates that couldn’t care less about them.

 Come on everyone step closer to the fence. Lean on up against it. I implore you! I beg you! If this were a ship, and every four years we had a vote to pick who was going to steer the ship – by that I don’t mean the captain, I mean the person that is going to physically touch the steering wheel of the ship and spin the wheel – would we want someone who is going to crank the wheel far to the left, followed by someone who is going to spin it far to the right? Hell no we wouldn’t! We would want someone to keep it dead freakin’ center, unless we were turning. We may also want someone who uses punctuation, but I am not on trial here. In fact, no one is.

 To fully interpret and appreciate the correct meaning of the title of today’s post, one must look at themselves in the mirror and ask themselves one question. “Do I want to be shot in the left knee or the right knee?” According to what I heard when I watched Reservoir Dogs five years ago, the knee is one the most painful places to be shot. Which, seems on par with getting a bad leader.

 When both of these candidates seem to be coated in the teflon. When both act almost as childish and tasteless as the other. When many articles and tweets concede that one’s party-of-choice candidate is bad, but not as bad as the other one. Then we are truly being given the choice of two equally painful places to be shot.

 It doesn’t make any sense to me. There are other viable choices from the Libertarian and Green Parties. Why don’t we start a write in campaign for Bernie. Damnit, he shouldn’t have ran as a democrat! It’s 2016 and this is where we are at? Come November 8th, maybe don’t be so gung ho to pick your favorite of the big two. Don’t be afraid to “throw away” your vote on a candidate not affiliated with the major two. Don’t roll up your pant legs and take one for the team. Because there really isn’t much of a team anymore. Just two parties that have divided the shit out of this nation, but they haven’t conquered us yet.