Children: The Ultimate Hobby


My friend, Grieco Ricardo, posted one of those petitions on facebook. You know, the ones that nicely dressed people with the great smile and dead look in their eyes used to bring to your front door. Already defeated, knowing full well where the conversation would go, they persevered and knocked. “Good day. Can I have a moment of your time to -” If I didn’t feel like slamming the door, I would tell them that I wasn’t eighteen and that my only living legal guardian was hard at work.

Anyway, this petition was about ten a day daycare provided by the province. Maybe it was because I’d just woke up and the coffee hadn’t entered my system yet. I was feeling cranky. Usually, I would be all for this. I think childcare is one of those things that shouldn’t break the bank. It’s really expensive, comes with a ton of rules and parents have to get on the enrolment list before they even consummate their marriage or first date – it’s 2017, no judgement.

Yet, for some reason, I didn’t respond well and by well, I mean, I had a grumpy internal monologue of “should have thought of that before…” and then I wrote this instead of signing the petition, then I planned to go sign the petition*. Don’t worry about it Grieco Ricardo, I’ve got your back. First, you have to read the following passage by some unknown author. He’s kind of funny and kind of a truth telling a-hole at the same time.

Kids are a passion project. This makes sense as they come from an act of passion. Similar to, but not exactly like that boat you used to restore on the weekend or all the Dungeons & Dragons you used to play with your buddies. However, where those two money pits of time sinks are not very cool, kids are, apparently.At least they are cool enough for greedy money grubbers to realize that parents are willing to pay an arm and a leg for their kids. If nothing else this is to avoid the judgemental ire of other parents and be the coolest parent at the PTA meeting. “What do you mean your kid isn’t in free range organic artisanal ju-jitsu violin courses!”

If betting the person you married that you are so committed to your love that you wager fifty percent of your assets against it not failing, then children could be for you. It’s just as insane! No! It’s even more bonkers! Of the remaining fifty percent that isn’t locked up on some crazy bet, kids will take that and more. Not only with food, clothing, and other basic things. There’s an entire cultural institution that uses kids has high powered siphons to suck the money right out of their parents’ pockets.

You have to put them through school and lord knows, it has to be the best school. So now you have to buy a house somewhere else where the good school is and you need to get on the list for the school right now. After that school, they have to go to another good school right? That’s what society says! Don’t forget all the enriching classes and extracurricular courses they take on the weekends.

Sell your comics, video games, and Dungeons & Dragons stuff. Put the boat into dry dock for fifty years. Save all your money. Get a second job. Have your spouse get a second job. Kids are the only thing to spend time and money on now. In other words, kids are the ultimate hobby. And just like beanie babies, pogs, and comic books in the nineties, they devalue like crazy. There’s too many of them and they all go to the good schools and extra programs that they cancel each other out. They also have so much debt that can’t feasibly live without being propped up by their parents. (Echoey whisper: The ultimate hobby.)

Holy crap, people do need ten dollar a day daycare or at least something more affordable. I knew that! I mean from what I know, ten dollars a day is about a third of the usual cost. It could be even less. That’s a lot of subsidizing. Where’s the free money gonna come from? Hell, I don’t know! Maybe they can’t take it away from that ridiculous $30,000 interest-free money that helps first time home buyers buy more than they are financially able to afford.

I’m sorry for being grumpy. Where is that link? Grieco posts so much stuff on facebook! Oh, there it is. Half a month ago? Did it take me that long to write this? Either way, this petition is a start.



I believe the children are our future. Something, something, something, and let them lead the way.

*Turns out I didn’t.

People Who Have Kids, Ask Other People When They Are Going To Have Kids.

  My wife and I have been an item for nearly a decade. That includes dating and marriage. Anyway, we are of that age when many people that we know are either having children or have already had children. Which, according to all of them, is the bees knees. So much so, that sometimes it seems they can’t possibly contain their excitement or talk about anything else.

  “How’s the weather?”

  “Timmy loves it!”

  “How was your day?”

  “Took Timmy to Karate!”

  “Why are you bleeding?”

  “Timmy was just expressing himself. So creative! Please drive me to the hospital. Timmy doesn’t drive well when he is angry.”

  Let me get two things clear. First, my wife and I like kids and would someday love to have one of our own, when the time is right. Second, you can talk about your kids. But Christ, people! Asking other people if they are going to have kids is a really insensitive question. One that should not be thrown around as lightly as asking them if they watched Netflix on the weekend.

  First of all, it is a very intrusive question. One that can completely ruin someone’s day. What if people are trying to conceive, but are having issues? What if they just can’t? For instance, someone is just trying to get through the work day. Then they hear this. “Man, my kids are great! They did the cutest shit the other day. So how’s your barren uterus!” No, that isn’t what was actually said, but that is the interpreted meaning.

  Second, what is this porn? When people ask you, “Are you going to have children?” What they are really asking is. “So are you and your wife, uh, bangin’? You telling the checkout lady you don’t need a bag? Seriously though, between you and me, because we are on such a level,  are you coming in your wife?” That is my wife you are talking about man! I oughta pop you one! Right on the forehead! What! Are you going to use this information as inspiration for your secret erotic blog? You know the one with one follower! Who, unbeknownst to you, is your Mom!

  Speaking of which, you know how you should never joke about anyone’s mom until you know that she is alive and in great shape? Or how you should never ask a woman if that kid is her grandchild? Or ask if that younger looking woman with that older looking guy is his daughter? Same consideration applies here. Probably even more so. Maybe I am just being too pragmatic.