Killer Kitchen: The Sundering – or – This Is The Part Where: The Drinking Game

  Well, this is the first day of our new kitchen. No, it isn’t finished. This is the part where we start disassembling everything. Knocking out the backsplash. Unhooking all the plumbing. Emptying all the drawers and cabinets. Applying pressure to a pain point. This is the part where we go all in. This is the part where we take our scheduled lives and the freedom to fully use the kitchen outback and shoot them.

  Issues have arisen around the ordering of the cabinets. Days have slipped and the installation date hangs precariously on Friday. Any further pushing will push out the installation of the back splash. A task my father-in-law will be helping me with. Actually, I will be helping him. Handing him stuff and keeping him hydrated, like a bearded nurse assisting Dr. MacGyver. Trowel. Tile. Diet Coke. French fry.

  He lives a day’s drive away and is in town for work. That isn’t a coincidence, it’s the reason why we chose the dates we did. I’ve never installed a backsplash. In the past two years I have learned a lot about the upkeep of our home. Google and I can do just about anything. It’s like The Matrix except, instead of confidently declaring, “I know kung fu,” I instead say, “I have a rough, vaguely foggy, base understanding of why I am swinging this hammer wildly above my head!”

  In general I do okay, at the very least it doesn’t look or behave worse than it did before. Although, that caulking job in the master bathroom looks a bit shoddy. However, that was my first rodeo. An hour later the on suite bathroom and the kitchen caulking jobs looked pro. These last few statements were more for me. A pep talk! A “Let’s win this one for the Gipper!” to myself. Just in case I am left doing this tile with Google and Dr. MacGyver talking me through it on the phone, like we are diffusing a bomb.

  This is the part where I sign off. Loosen the screws and put hammer to flat bar. Time for the climax, the boss fight. This is the part where my wife and I go to Home Depot only twice, if we are lucky. This is the part where we test the tensile strength of our marriage. This is the part where my wife and I become purveyors of calm understanding and infinite love. I got a good feeling about this. I love you honey. See you on the other side.

Killer Kitchen

  Renovating is killer. It takes a lot of money and time. We are nearly on a first name basis with the people at Home Depot. Honestly, the last time we went, they said “Two times in three days? Your brave!” and “You’re back, we are hiring! Maybe you should just start living here.” Which one of us might, as we have heard that kitchen renos are pretty damn stressful. Along with that was said, that if you can reno a kitchen and not get a divorce, you can get through anything. Seems like a pretty steep bet. Either way we will need the kitchen renovated, either for our enjoyment or for liquidating our assets.

  If you are a noob like us, kitchen renos can be extremely confusing. There is a lot of different information and varying opinions, depending on who you talk to. We have been told that counters should be done after cabinet refacing, a faux paux at best. Unless you are getting laminate, to which I say, “What do I look like, a slum lord?” We were told to cut the tiles and drywall out of the wall and then patch with a new piece. Which would certainly cause repainting, where there is a slim chance we can remove our tile backsplash and possibly not have to repaint. We have been told that any sink can be undermounted, which simply isn’t true.

  Speaking of the sink, we went to a few different places and kept chickening out or just not finding the right size. We did have some fairly rigid dimensions that we wanted. We could have got them, had we felt like spending a thousand dollars on a sink. Our dishwasher didn’t cost that much and it does that damn dishes for us. A thousand dollars! Are we doin’ blow off of this stainless steel starlet? In the end we got a sink whose box had already been open, they said they would knock twenty bucks off. Twenty minutes later it was forty as there was an inventory system problem. In the end, we paid nine dollars less, including tax, than the sticker.

  My wife had a dream later that night. In it, we were looking at kitchens in other peoples houses. When she first told me, I thought it is kind of weird, but no big deal. That was until she told me that every single kitchen had had a murder in it. Furthermore, that seemed to be the attraction to the kitchen. “Hey, someone was murdered here! Let’s go checkout the kitchen!” It isn’t all due to the stress of the kitchen. It certainly hasn’t helped that she and I have been watching American Horror Story or Hannibal a lot for the past few weeks.

  As of tonight everything has been measured. All of the orders have been put in. The installers and refacers have been hired. The credit cards have been whipped out. It is time to drop our socks and grab our, caulking guns. A bit premature, but we will use them eventually.