Losing Is Half The Battle

Remember watching G.I. Joe as a kid? I’m only speaking about the show from the 80’s. Well if you don’t remember or you grew up watching one of the newer incarnations, you may be unaware of the PSA segments at the end. There was usually a kid or two, one of them was usually trying to do something that the Joe’s would identify as gateway act to socialism. Something like riding a bike at night without lights or leaving the ignited gas stove unattended.

Thankfully, the Joe’s were a preliminary form of the NSA and always happened to be monitoring the situation from the van down the street. One or two of them would hop to and stop these kids from making the biggest mistake of their lives which would ultimately lead them to voting for Bernie Sanders.

After the Joe’s taught the little brats a lesson, one of the little turds would say “Now I know!” Which was the setup for one of the Joe’s to say “And knowing is half the battle.” Every, single, time. Except that one time that Snake Eyes was the only available Joe. He mostly just stood there and breathed heavily into his mask. Of course no one was able to say they knew anything because Snake Eye’s couldn’t speak to the importance of doubling up on jimmy hats before abstinence voiding sex. All in all, that was a very awkward episode.

In all seriousness though, the Joe’s were full of it. Oh sure, they intervened in one child’s life. Thwarting natural selection and allowing them to grow up, reproduce, and live an unfulfilled life. Years passed, second marriages disintegrated, friends died and then they heard the words “it’s terminal.” In retrospect, I bet they wish they would have ridden their bikes right into the burning maw of that gas stove.

You know who really should have been teaching the kids? Cobra! Especially Cobra Commander. Talk about a guy who didn’t know when to quit and who never gave up. Even though he woke up every day only to get his ass handed to him and lose millions of 1980’s dollars. He still showed up to work with a smile on his face. Sure it was under a hood or mask, but he did it.

He was a smart and charismatic guy. He wasn’t stupid and was fully aware of the odds. Every time he came up with a plan, it would ultimately fail. Usually, this wasn’t the plan’s fault. His soldiers weren’t the best. His tools weren’t the best. There was no way he could compete with the G.I. Joe’s and the burgeoning military industrial complex.

He could have just been a cynical prick with no hope. Instead, he was a cynical prick who gave it all for his job. Probably, just like a lot of you. Punching the clock, working the long hours, losing sleep and stressed. Mind always at work, even while at the kid’s soccer game. Working a dead end job, spouses cheating on each other with the gang banging neighbors, chronic premature ejaculation, just a few of the things that Cobra Commander could have taught us how to deal with and probably had to deal with himself. Yo Joe, eat a deck of cards!!

foodies/cuisinomane (Now Legal In Quebec)

Foodies, what are they? Are they: hedge chefs, super fans of food, food photographers? All of the above and then some? Where do they come from? What is their education background? What is their profession? Am I a foodie?

Who doesn’t like food? I mean even just a little. Regardless of the flavors or culture. If you have a friend that says they don’t like food, they either hashtag thigh gap and need help or they are quite possibly an alien! Get out of the house, call the J. Edgar’s, run for your life!

However, if you have a friend who says they are a fan of food as in, “I loooooooooove foooood, sooooo gooooood.” As if they think they are special or deserve an award, that is an asshole! For I as well, am a fan of living and not contracting scurvy, gout, rickets, or having my teeth fall out of my head! If it tastes good while doing so, so much the better.

A few years ago I started cooking a majority of our meals from scratch. I rarely use canned goods unless something is out of season. I will boil tomatoes and process them. I save vegetable trimmings to make a stock for soups. Bread and biscuits are conjured from flour and water, sometimes beer. Pudding from scratch from an old family recipe, sure I have to stand there and stir like crazy, but it is far superior to anything in box. I find it amazing how little time it actually takes to make something from the very base and how much that teaches you.

A friend of mine was complaining about food photography. He made the mistake of doing this in front of me. Who in turn notified a bunch of other smartasses at lunch. Which caused people take out their phones and tag him in their photos of Big Macs and Quarter Pounders. That’s right, this happened at McDonald’s. This could have quite possibly been the first case of food photography at the entire history of the brand. When it comes to McDonald’s, I don’t care much for the food, I can choke it down. It is more for the company.

I must admit, when I see people break out their phones and snap a photo of their food, I sometimes snicker. It isn’t bad to take a photo every now and then. I’ve been known to do it from time to time. When the food arrives and my eyes uncontrollably bulge with excitement like hyperventilating french bulldog who just sat on whoopie cushion. However, when the food arrives mid conversation and the phones come out and go away in one movement, leaving just enough time to make sure the food is on the screen. That is when I start laughing.

What a douchebag. Who in your social media life is truly going to give a shit, really? The fact that they are doing it out of habit, to add to the collection, is kind of creepy. Like a serial killer who always takes a token or that artist who takes a zillion photos of the exact same kind of thing. The difference is those two are aware of what they are doing.

Can you imagine what this trend would have been like about forty years ago during the age of neighbor vacation slideshow nights. Having to sit through slide after slide of what they ate. Then there were the Johnson’s who always took photos of the aftermath. What a bunch of weirdos.

Have I decided that I am a foodie? Not yet, I seem to like having good food, but won’t turn down anything as long as it is meatless. Yet, I thoroughly enjoy preparing delicious and large meals that last through the week. I take the occasional photo, mostly of donuts. I won’t buy Budweiser, but I will drink it if that is all you have.

Regardless, I am outraged by the term. I can’t help that I want to eat decent food. You only have so many years on this planet. You only have so many calories you should intake. Tell you what foodies, take charge. Spit out your craft beer. Yell at the top of your lungs, ” We ain’t foodies! Ya’ll just a bunch of poodies!” I can’t believe auto correct didn’t turn that into poodles as I was expecting it would.

Less Big Brother, More Cowbell

  Ferguson, Missouri. Hash tag holyshit! Hash tag handledwrong. Stories of fear drenched incompetence have made their way online. Wrongly accused people have been arrested. People have been gassed and beaten. If it wasn’t before, the divide that between races is now a fucking schism and a very fucking large one at that. What started out as reportedly peaceful protest has flipped to one hundred percent bat shit crazy. How could it not when police show up looking like soldiers.

  I wasn’t there. All my information is coming from the internet, which means I have a more honest understanding of what happened than if I watched Fox News. Images and reports trickled in on my twitter feed early Wednesday evening. I clicked a few. My heart sank as I saw images of police officers armed as soldiers. Helmets, vests, big guns and even sniper rifles. Sniper Rifles? Is that an armored vehicle considered a van or a tank? Did the defense department have a yard sale? Where they hell did police officers get all of this gear?

 What started out as a trickle soon became a flood. Soon I was doing nothing else but watching twitter and gleaning all that I could. What I saw happening looked as if it couldn’t be happening in my home country. In a state the neighbors the one that I am from. In a city with a population close to two that I once lived in.

  How could we have fallen so far? Incessant need for inquests and more and more legislation. Bi partisan bullshit, not just at the government level, but all the way down to the lowliest voter. A government that has quit putting its citizens first or rather tried to protect them from the terrorists to the point that is has become a detriment. Stagnation and separation of community. Lastly – and please stick with me – a love for guns and fire power that has become more of a perverse enthusiasm for exercising our right to bare arms.

  All of those reasons are really caused by one thing. Fear. Especially fear of the unknown. Fear that bills need to be written to protect us. Fear that the other side of politics is going to destroy this country. Fear of terrorism to the point that we have turned the guns on ourselves. Fear of people and other races to an effect that we just stay home and don’t talk to anyone. Fear that everyone has guns and we are the only ones that protect ourselves.

  How do we combat fear of the unknown? Baby steps. Due to the severity of the situation, baby steps in fast forward. Republicans, let a Democrat hug you. Democrats, let a Republican take you out for a few rounds, alcohol or guns. Cities, start having festivals and community events that mix different cultures and races. There will be haters at first. Don’t let them crush these events. Police these events properly. By that I mean, make sure a significant amount of regular old police officers are visible. Its amazing what having some authority figures visible will deter. Nulling the need for a militarized response.

  Soon after we start talking again we will start accepting or at least being respectful of others beliefs and views. Then it is only a matter of time before fear begins to fade. In response maybe some of the guns can be laid down and police forces can be demilitarized. We will quit telling representatives how scared we are. Government will quit doing things to protect us that actually end up scaring us even more.