Children: The Ultimate Hobby


 

My friend, Grieco Ricardo, posted one of those petitions on facebook. You know, the ones that nicely dressed people with the great smile and dead look in their eyes used to bring to your front door. Already defeated, knowing full well where the conversation would go, they persevered and knocked. “Good day. Can I have a moment of your time to -” If I didn’t feel like slamming the door, I would tell them that I wasn’t eighteen and that my only living legal guardian was hard at work.

Anyway, this petition was about ten a day daycare provided by the province. Maybe it was because I’d just woke up and the coffee hadn’t entered my system yet. I was feeling cranky. Usually, I would be all for this. I think childcare is one of those things that shouldn’t break the bank. It’s really expensive, comes with a ton of rules and parents have to get on the enrolment list before they even consummate their marriage or first date – it’s 2017, no judgement.

Yet, for some reason, I didn’t respond well and by well, I mean, I had a grumpy internal monologue of “should have thought of that before…” and then I wrote this instead of signing the petition, then I planned to go sign the petition*. Don’t worry about it Grieco Ricardo, I’ve got your back. First, you have to read the following passage by some unknown author. He’s kind of funny and kind of a truth telling a-hole at the same time.

Kids are a passion project. This makes sense as they come from an act of passion. Similar to, but not exactly like that boat you used to restore on the weekend or all the Dungeons & Dragons you used to play with your buddies. However, where those two money pits of time sinks are not very cool, kids are, apparently.At least they are cool enough for greedy money grubbers to realize that parents are willing to pay an arm and a leg for their kids. If nothing else this is to avoid the judgemental ire of other parents and be the coolest parent at the PTA meeting. “What do you mean your kid isn’t in free range organic artisanal ju-jitsu violin courses!”

If betting the person you married that you are so committed to your love that you wager fifty percent of your assets against it not failing, then children could be for you. It’s just as insane! No! It’s even more bonkers! Of the remaining fifty percent that isn’t locked up on some crazy bet, kids will take that and more. Not only with food, clothing, and other basic things. There’s an entire cultural institution that uses kids has high powered siphons to suck the money right out of their parents’ pockets.

You have to put them through school and lord knows, it has to be the best school. So now you have to buy a house somewhere else where the good school is and you need to get on the list for the school right now. After that school, they have to go to another good school right? That’s what society says! Don’t forget all the enriching classes and extracurricular courses they take on the weekends.

Sell your comics, video games, and Dungeons & Dragons stuff. Put the boat into dry dock for fifty years. Save all your money. Get a second job. Have your spouse get a second job. Kids are the only thing to spend time and money on now. In other words, kids are the ultimate hobby. And just like beanie babies, pogs, and comic books in the nineties, they devalue like crazy. There’s too many of them and they all go to the good schools and extra programs that they cancel each other out. They also have so much debt that can’t feasibly live without being propped up by their parents. (Echoey whisper: The ultimate hobby.)

Holy crap, people do need ten dollar a day daycare or at least something more affordable. I knew that! I mean from what I know, ten dollars a day is about a third of the usual cost. It could be even less. That’s a lot of subsidizing. Where’s the free money gonna come from? Hell, I don’t know! Maybe they can’t take it away from that ridiculous $30,000 interest-free money that helps first time home buyers buy more than they are financially able to afford.

I’m sorry for being grumpy. Where is that link? Grieco posts so much stuff on facebook! Oh, there it is. Half a month ago? Did it take me that long to write this? Either way, this petition is a start.

 

 


I believe the children are our future. Something, something, something, and let them lead the way.

*Turns out I didn’t.

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Bank Roll, All Over You!

Banks. Are you kidding me? Open up right after you get to work and close right before you can leave. Not one ounce of wiggle room. I guess there are a few that are young and hip enough to have changed their hours. Who wants to spend time switching to those banks though? I took time out at the end of my day to bend to my financial institutions will. They are after all, the one with all the money.

By the time I got there, less than thirty minutes remained to closing time. Every miserable bastard on the face of the planet was there at the bank. Each one of us was inconvenienced in our own way. All of us had taken time out of our day to be here on someone else’s schedule.

Luckily, there were a lot of tellers. I hoped to the point of becoming devout and screaming religious figures names into the tiled ceiling that I didn’t get one of them in particular. The one that would not just do my order, but proceed to not easily hand over everything and let me go. The one that would go through each and every notice on my account.

“Oh hey, you have been with us for a zillion years, want a credit card with an annual fee?”

“No.”

“Oh hey, seems you have a credit card with us, do you want to pay extra for insurance?”

“No.”

“It will pay off your balance in case you get injured.”

“No.”

Nothing like being in a hurry and getting that teller. My pleas were answered and I got someone else. I guess there is some greater force in the universe and it was present with me in the bank. Devoting its entire attention to me. Steering each and every transaction. So if anything else bad happened somewhere else, I am sorry, my bad. No one said it would be easy being a chosen one.

Killer Kitchen

  Renovating is killer. It takes a lot of money and time. We are nearly on a first name basis with the people at Home Depot. Honestly, the last time we went, they said “Two times in three days? Your brave!” and “You’re back, we are hiring! Maybe you should just start living here.” Which one of us might, as we have heard that kitchen renos are pretty damn stressful. Along with that was said, that if you can reno a kitchen and not get a divorce, you can get through anything. Seems like a pretty steep bet. Either way we will need the kitchen renovated, either for our enjoyment or for liquidating our assets.

  If you are a noob like us, kitchen renos can be extremely confusing. There is a lot of different information and varying opinions, depending on who you talk to. We have been told that counters should be done after cabinet refacing, a faux paux at best. Unless you are getting laminate, to which I say, “What do I look like, a slum lord?” We were told to cut the tiles and drywall out of the wall and then patch with a new piece. Which would certainly cause repainting, where there is a slim chance we can remove our tile backsplash and possibly not have to repaint. We have been told that any sink can be undermounted, which simply isn’t true.

  Speaking of the sink, we went to a few different places and kept chickening out or just not finding the right size. We did have some fairly rigid dimensions that we wanted. We could have got them, had we felt like spending a thousand dollars on a sink. Our dishwasher didn’t cost that much and it does that damn dishes for us. A thousand dollars! Are we doin’ blow off of this stainless steel starlet? In the end we got a sink whose box had already been open, they said they would knock twenty bucks off. Twenty minutes later it was forty as there was an inventory system problem. In the end, we paid nine dollars less, including tax, than the sticker.

  My wife had a dream later that night. In it, we were looking at kitchens in other peoples houses. When she first told me, I thought it is kind of weird, but no big deal. That was until she told me that every single kitchen had had a murder in it. Furthermore, that seemed to be the attraction to the kitchen. “Hey, someone was murdered here! Let’s go checkout the kitchen!” It isn’t all due to the stress of the kitchen. It certainly hasn’t helped that she and I have been watching American Horror Story or Hannibal a lot for the past few weeks.

  As of tonight everything has been measured. All of the orders have been put in. The installers and refacers have been hired. The credit cards have been whipped out. It is time to drop our socks and grab our, caulking guns. A bit premature, but we will use them eventually.