Children: The Ultimate Hobby


 

My friend, Grieco Ricardo, posted one of those petitions on facebook. You know, the ones that nicely dressed people with the great smile and dead look in their eyes used to bring to your front door. Already defeated, knowing full well where the conversation would go, they persevered and knocked. “Good day. Can I have a moment of your time to -” If I didn’t feel like slamming the door, I would tell them that I wasn’t eighteen and that my only living legal guardian was hard at work.

Anyway, this petition was about ten a day daycare provided by the province. Maybe it was because I’d just woke up and the coffee hadn’t entered my system yet. I was feeling cranky. Usually, I would be all for this. I think childcare is one of those things that shouldn’t break the bank. It’s really expensive, comes with a ton of rules and parents have to get on the enrolment list before they even consummate their marriage or first date – it’s 2017, no judgement.

Yet, for some reason, I didn’t respond well and by well, I mean, I had a grumpy internal monologue of “should have thought of that before…” and then I wrote this instead of signing the petition, then I planned to go sign the petition*. Don’t worry about it Grieco Ricardo, I’ve got your back. First, you have to read the following passage by some unknown author. He’s kind of funny and kind of a truth telling a-hole at the same time.

Kids are a passion project. This makes sense as they come from an act of passion. Similar to, but not exactly like that boat you used to restore on the weekend or all the Dungeons & Dragons you used to play with your buddies. However, where those two money pits of time sinks are not very cool, kids are, apparently.At least they are cool enough for greedy money grubbers to realize that parents are willing to pay an arm and a leg for their kids. If nothing else this is to avoid the judgemental ire of other parents and be the coolest parent at the PTA meeting. “What do you mean your kid isn’t in free range organic artisanal ju-jitsu violin courses!”

If betting the person you married that you are so committed to your love that you wager fifty percent of your assets against it not failing, then children could be for you. It’s just as insane! No! It’s even more bonkers! Of the remaining fifty percent that isn’t locked up on some crazy bet, kids will take that and more. Not only with food, clothing, and other basic things. There’s an entire cultural institution that uses kids has high powered siphons to suck the money right out of their parents’ pockets.

You have to put them through school and lord knows, it has to be the best school. So now you have to buy a house somewhere else where the good school is and you need to get on the list for the school right now. After that school, they have to go to another good school right? That’s what society says! Don’t forget all the enriching classes and extracurricular courses they take on the weekends.

Sell your comics, video games, and Dungeons & Dragons stuff. Put the boat into dry dock for fifty years. Save all your money. Get a second job. Have your spouse get a second job. Kids are the only thing to spend time and money on now. In other words, kids are the ultimate hobby. And just like beanie babies, pogs, and comic books in the nineties, they devalue like crazy. There’s too many of them and they all go to the good schools and extra programs that they cancel each other out. They also have so much debt that can’t feasibly live without being propped up by their parents. (Echoey whisper: The ultimate hobby.)

Holy crap, people do need ten dollar a day daycare or at least something more affordable. I knew that! I mean from what I know, ten dollars a day is about a third of the usual cost. It could be even less. That’s a lot of subsidizing. Where’s the free money gonna come from? Hell, I don’t know! Maybe they can’t take it away from that ridiculous $30,000 interest-free money that helps first time home buyers buy more than they are financially able to afford.

I’m sorry for being grumpy. Where is that link? Grieco posts so much stuff on facebook! Oh, there it is. Half a month ago? Did it take me that long to write this? Either way, this petition is a start.

 

 


I believe the children are our future. Something, something, something, and let them lead the way.

*Turns out I didn’t.

To The Helicopter Parents of Seventhia, The Princess and Apparently Future Savior of the World…

  Last Night, my wife and I went to one of our favorite neighborhood restaurants to kick off our anniversary weekend. It will remain nameless as to avoid any negative backlash from this post. There were certainly a lot of people there and one very large, very full table in the back. A table that we would be seated by. At first nothing seemed out of place. We ordered our food, drank tea, and talked. At one point the large table behind me asked me if I could move my seat so their sevenish year old daughter could walk to her mom. I obliged easily enough, blessedly ignorant that I was in the presence of such royalty. Boy would I be embarrassed and lucky to have my hands later.

  A chunk of time passed and I noticed that the waiter kept adjusting the thermostat. It wasn’t hard to notice, it was right behind my wife’s head. What struck me as odd was that he kept adjusting it just a little bit. Turn the fan on, turn the fan off.

  Our food arrived and shortly after we began eating, Princess Seventhia’s stewards pulled out one of their phones and gave it – volume fully cranked – to Seventhia. I think she was just watching a video, but it sounded like she was playing King of Fighters ‘98 – which just happens to have come out on iOS and Android. I digress and thusly take away from the god chosen magnificence of Seventhia.

  My wife and I could barely hear each other speak, due to the table behind us speaking louder than necessary, due to Seventhia needing to be occupied, neigh appeased. I shudder to think what maw of fresh hell would have been opened had they not had that device. Finally, I had built up the gall to politely turn around and ask them to turn it down, but at that exact moment our waiter returned. We had barely been able to say that we were fine and wanted the bill before Airwolf turned around and notified the waiter that Seventhia was now hot.

  He stood there for a moment, assessing his life. Then with the silent scream of a rebel, he turned and walked away leaving the thermostat unadjusted. An treasonous act most assuredly! I can only hope that he still has his hands[1]. I guess we’ll find out next time we go to that place. Preferably without Seventhia and her thralls.


[1] Treason is punishable by removal of hands. This is usually done by dual katana wielding parents spinning like a helicopter and making woka-woka-woka sounds as they move toward the guilty’s outstretched arms.