Where Do Popstars Come From?

Just to be clear, I am talking about popstars and not poptarts. My fondness for the topic of the latter may lead to many typos out of familiarity. No matter what I type, I am always talking about popstars not poptarts.

Back to the question at hand, where do popstars come from. I mean they aren’t exactly the singer songwriter type are they? The genre they become known for isn’t exactly accommodating to the acoustic guitar slung over the shoulder or keyboard hauled around in a broke ass hatch back type of musician is it?

Do the venues that fledgling mega musicians inhabit inspire popstars? I for one couldn’t imagine sitting in a smoke filled bar through a set of Casio backed Alejandro and Poker Face. There is a lot of stage presence involved in being a popstar: singing, dancing, costumes, and what not. A single musician can’t pull that off and the more people they have in their band, the less room the stage has for theatrics.

It isn’t like proving your band is rocker material. Did you see how we all just showed up in the same ten minute window, looking like we just woke up and are on our way to our American Eagle photoshoot? Look our bass player will always be a part of us, even though he is going to university in the fall. One does not simply break up Pug Cuddle Huddle!

So do popstarts just pop into existence? Does someone scout them out for one talent and then tests them for other popstar requisites? How many popstars have fallen because they couldn’t change costumes fast enough? Perhaps it is all well connected people who some how get to know producers and just make their way in. Are there simply try outs, the same way undiscovered actors get parts?

I guess I could just watch the Katy Perry movie or maybe ask google. Honestly though, I don’t have the strength to dig through the My Little Pony sphere of the internet to find out the answers to Lady Gaga’s origins. Also, I don’t really give a flip what the answer is. However, if you have any insights, comment away.

Return of the Topic of Pop-Tarts: Part Two

 Continued from part one.

  First, the market has moved, but keeps up the appearance that it is the same. Parents don’t want to feed their kids this crap any more, well at least the parents that truly love their children. A long pause as I look, thoroughly unimpressed, knowingly and directly into the camera of the mind’s eye. Do you hear a piano? I continue. It is the schmos that are keeping this party going. People whose parents didn’t love them enough to feed them Pillsbury Toaster Strudels. People who don’t love themselves enough to feed themselves Pillsbury Toaster Strudels. People with doe eyed memories of eating pop-tarts in the past who are about to find out that the pavement, of the road, to nostalgia is sometimes broken and covered in ash and blood. Oh my god, are those, dead bodies in the smoke filled distance?

  Second, the temperature of consumption has drifted over the last fifty years. Nobody has thirty minutes to put into preparing a pop-tart. Broken down it is one minute for the locating of the pop-tart, opening of the sack, and placing those tasty bastards in the toaster. Two minutes for toasting. The remaining twenty-seven are left for the cooling down to a temperature that is safe for human consumption. If one does have thirty minutes, I am sure they can spend it preparing something better. Seriously, watch a half-hour cooking show!

  Lastly, for those people that are going to nosh some pop-tart goodness at any time of day beside your manufacturer’s suggested time, why not throw that demographic a bone. How about a line of brunch pop-tarts or beer sponging late night pop-tarts. What about pizza, bacon, or Doritos! Why not a cheese covered and gravy filled poutine pop-tart for us Canadians. While you’re at it, why not add that chemical that warms up when you shake it, get rid of the toaster all together. People can warm it up precisely to their liking. Put a pin in it.

  Let’s stand that last paragraph on its head and get an organic line going. “Same great taste, less interpreted by the Food Babe as toxic waste!” Whole grains, scratch that, ancient grains and mostly real fruit. I can almost hear the market shifting from here. Carb counters and gluten free enthusiasts are already starting to line up at Whole Foods. Impatiently flinging their kale smoothies upon the glass doors. “These spelt and beet pop-tarts are like, really really so good for you, because they are like organic. They help with muscle recovery and this is my recovery day. I bought them instead of vaccinating my children.”

  See Kellogg’s there is a whole new generation of people who don’t love their children. It is all right there and ready for the taking. Eat a bowl of Frosted Flakes and do what Tony the Tiger would do. No, I don’t mean break out of Toon Town and dominate hungry children upon the playing field. I mean “Get out there and fuckin’ do it!” or whatever his catch phrase is.


Return of the Topic of Pop-Tarts: Part One

  I had a fellow blogger comment on a previous post about pop-tarts. This blogger said, “One should always eat a Pop-tart cold. They’re just better that way!” A sentiment I wholeheartedly agree with Austin on. I remember as a child having a few pop-tarts in the morning. In hindsight they were  usually the precursor to a terrible day to follow. As a child of pleasantly plump proportions, I really enjoyed eating. I was not a fan of the hot pop-tart mostly because the last thing I would be able taste for the next two days was the boringly sweet bread and a split second of metallic tasting white hot fruit flavored fury.

  The other day my wife mentioned that she always thought of pop-tarts as a snackfood, but they were marketed as breakfast fare. Another sentiment I wholeheartedly agree with. Apparently pop-tarts were invented in a time when kids didn’t have time to eat breakfast and parents didn’t have time to dump some sugar coated flakes and milk in a bowl between swigs of whiskey and puffs of smoke. That has been Kellogg’s marketing plan the entire time, it hasn’t changed in fifty years. Now, that I am a mostly sentient adult, I have cast off Kellogg’s recommendations. I eat pop-tarts at the temperature I want, when I want. I am certain I am not alone on this.

  Come on over here Kellogg’s. Let me dump some knowledge on you. A gesture of my hand conjures a bear rug covered room. Next, to the roaring fire are two squishy broken-in high backed chairs and their matching ottomans. The scent of mahogany has worked its way into everything. I hear your bones crack and creak as you settle in to your chair of choice. When was the last time you sat down? Too much Frosted Flakes will make you pace. No one can keep up with Tony. Now, on with the knowledge!

(To be concluded.)

And While I’m On the Topic of Peach Pies: Pop Tarts

  I don’t know why, but for some reason I’ve been Jonesing for a poptart. Not for the somewhat passable after the fall of western society S’more variety, but a fruit one, in particular blueberry. It seems that for the past year or so I have wanted one at odd times, after a run, post coital bliss, while watching Perfect Strangers. However, it never occurs to me to buy the things when I am at the grocery store. Leaving this craving unanswered, meaning it is one craving. Not these cravings, which implies that I have satisfied the craving and have had others.

  For those of you sheltered enough to somehow not know what a poptart is, they are tarts for people who lost their taste buds in some horrific explosion or for people who thought fifty year old preserves would go great between communion wafers.

  Poptarts are made from a pie crust like product that started out as more paste than dough. In the middle of this, bread pocket, is this near dehydrated jam stuff. If one springs for the deluxe box, there will even be some completely unsatisfying frosting on top.

  As I’ve alluded to, they are dry. I swear to google that the recipe for these things had to be rejected from the U.S. space program back in the sixties for being ever so slightly too moist. Go ahead and wikipedia it, I am a little too close for such an off the cuff remark.

 Of course, one could actually opt to put the poptarts in a toaster until they – as their name clearly states – pop. At which point consumers of hot poptarts should exercise caution, as freshly toasted poptarts will almost certainly scorch the tongue. Leaving a trail of destruction and smoldering taste buds that are unable to taste anything. Which could be a boon since the consumer is about to eat a poptart. It may also make no difference to them as, they are about to eat a poptart. Which is a sign that they aren’t using their tongue’s taste capacitors for the power of good or anything other than going to Wendy’s for some high-falutin square patty burger eatin’. So the consumer’s taste is non-applicable in the first place.

   Go ahead, put the poptarts  in the toaster. They may give the impression of being moist upon exiting, but they may also singe facial hair. If these molten bastards existed more than six hundred years ago, they would have been flung over castle walls. Bursting grass shit huts into flames and covering poor peons with incredibly hot and painfully sticky poptart innards. Thankfully, we only have to eat these things. Fortunately, I don’t have any in the house.