Everybody’s Hugging Everybody: The Great Unification of 2018

Everybody’s Hugging Everybody.

Everybody’s hugging everybody. Champagne and other alcohol fly in every which way. Little pieces of paper descend from the sky. People turned to gravity and said, “Hold my nachos.” Whether people were shockingly disappointed or super duper excited, people dropped whatever they were holding and clung to one another. The Eagles won, or so I’ve heard, the internet wouldn’t lie would it?

Not That I Care.

I didn’t watch the game. In fact, I wasn’t even planning to capitalize on the trending beast, then I had a thought. America loves football, a lot. Either people love those teams outright or hate one of them enough to root for the other. If nothing else, people like snacks and need something to talk about between throat lacerating fistfuls of Doritos.

Then I Had This Thought.

At some point in time last night, a Republican and a emocratD unwittingly treated one another with the decency that is given to everyone. I’m not talking about people who know how each other voted. I mean strangers at bars and at parties. Those people who just joined in comradery or be a contrarianism. Who chose to hate or love one of those teams at some point in their lives. Whether it was fifty years ago or two weeks, they were unified.

In those final moments, they consoled one another or tossed a cold one the other’s way. That had to happen somewhere in the 9.8 square kilometer* of country. People left the MAGA hats and the “I Watched Hamilton and All I Got Was A Boner.” t-shirts at home.

I Could Be Wrong

That is of course unless every democrat chose to cheer for the deep state establishment called the New England Patriot. Not only would that be typical, that would mean that there were a lot of green jerseys and red hats. I have to admit, that sounds very festive.


Err.. I mean.


*google the miles.

It’s The Great Orange F*ck Head Charlie Brown!

 Personally, I don’t get truly get it. The extent some people are willing to go because they are upset. I understand, there are a lot of things to be unsatisfied with. However, I don’t get a lot of the things that they are unsatisfied about. I also, cannot for the life of me, understand their proposed fix. Sure he is certainly not the status quo. Yet, he comes from the pool of status quo, more of a by-product of the status quo. Like the toxic bull shit from the Lake Eerie of the status quo. Like some sort of baby boomer mutant antisemite yam tempura roll that grew from said toxic bull shit. A powerful businessman, whose type has helped create the current situation people are wanting change from. He is exclusionary, incendiary, and, well, fucking racist. He’s been called the law and order candidate, even though he is surrounded by barely contained chaos. He says he will end terrorism, while scaring the shit out of people. He is Donald Trump, the official Republican nominee.   

 How is this possible? Well, a bunch of fucking militant hobbit like, shire dwellers let their ignorance and fear sweep over them. Projecting their small-town childhoods on the rest of the country. Remember when we didn’t have the talking pictures that showed all the violence? Remember when we had to subscribe to HBO and wait until the sun went down to get our jollies off? Remember when everyone was white and straight?

 To make matters worse, they are now trying to force their bullshit freedom encroaching ideas on the rest of us in the name of freedom. Because they are afraid of dying and afraid they aren’t free. Let me tell you, if nominating the great orange fuckhead as your candidate isn’t freedom, I don’t know what is.

  In this time of poorly defined patriotism, I really want to point out something. Basically, if I don’t whoop like a lobotomized idgit every time someone says, America, Freedom, or Toby Keith, then I apparently don’t love my country. So, I can’t say to my country, “Baby, those jeans make you look a little fat.” without a bunch of knobby so-called-patriots calling me out as unpatriotic. Yet, they can deliver a presidential candidate who is essentially all three vials of the lethal injection in one very convenient and racist package labeled orange juice. What the hell is actually wrong here? I love my country. I don’t want to have some loon in power. I don’t want the stereotypical loud, brash, fat, unattractive, self-centered, self-righteous, internationally ignorant, American as president.

 I can’t believe he has actually made it this far. Every step of the way people have said “It is a joke.” Whenever he says his latest crazy thing, people say “He isn’t serious,” as they try to reason that no one that close to power could be that crazy.

 He isn’t joking! People without senses of humor do not joke. He is a psychopath. He isn’t empathizing with you. He doesn’t care about you. He is only trying to help himself and his kind. All he is doing is appealing to the basest nature of our basest people and somehow looking like change to others.

 Sure, I will admit that he is change. He is different, but so is having sex with a rodeo clown. One of the ones that has to paint the smile on. One of the ones that insist on being called Louis L’Amour while being choked out. Afterward, the tears turn down the dial on the smile all the while “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy” repeats. Now that! Is fucking different! That! Is change! Best of all it won’t fuck the rest of us, just you.

Just because I’m bagging on O-range-and-Tang does not mean that I’m voting democrat. Although, my resolve is beginning to waiver.

Left or Right

 While readers may think that this post is going to be dealing with the a difference between left wing and right wing politics, they would be only half right. Because first of all, what is the difference – oh zing! – and second of all what other lefts and rights are there?

 This week is one of those magical weeks when we are once again reminded that politicians are far cooler than we’ll ever be. That they have powers, resources, and networking skills that many of us can only dream of. It is the day when depending on what side of the fence you are on, Hillary is free from the zillion dollar GoP witch hunt or a criminal has been let go.

 Personally, I don’t really like to be on one side of the fence anymore. Instead I like to position myself right in the center and enjoy the painful wedgie. Yep, nothing better than getting a wedgie from rational, well balanced thought. Sure I have a tendency to lean to the left, but you try to sit there with your boxers held up in box canyon for hours at a time, all the while listening to ninnies and harpies go on at each other. Defending candidates that couldn’t care less about them.

 Come on everyone step closer to the fence. Lean on up against it. I implore you! I beg you! If this were a ship, and every four years we had a vote to pick who was going to steer the ship – by that I don’t mean the captain, I mean the person that is going to physically touch the steering wheel of the ship and spin the wheel – would we want someone who is going to crank the wheel far to the left, followed by someone who is going to spin it far to the right? Hell no we wouldn’t! We would want someone to keep it dead freakin’ center, unless we were turning. We may also want someone who uses punctuation, but I am not on trial here. In fact, no one is.

 To fully interpret and appreciate the correct meaning of the title of today’s post, one must look at themselves in the mirror and ask themselves one question. “Do I want to be shot in the left knee or the right knee?” According to what I heard when I watched Reservoir Dogs five years ago, the knee is one the most painful places to be shot. Which, seems on par with getting a bad leader.

 When both of these candidates seem to be coated in the teflon. When both act almost as childish and tasteless as the other. When many articles and tweets concede that one’s party-of-choice candidate is bad, but not as bad as the other one. Then we are truly being given the choice of two equally painful places to be shot.

 It doesn’t make any sense to me. There are other viable choices from the Libertarian and Green Parties. Why don’t we start a write in campaign for Bernie. Damnit, he shouldn’t have ran as a democrat! It’s 2016 and this is where we are at? Come November 8th, maybe don’t be so gung ho to pick your favorite of the big two. Don’t be afraid to “throw away” your vote on a candidate not affiliated with the major two. Don’t roll up your pant legs and take one for the team. Because there really isn’t much of a team anymore. Just two parties that have divided the shit out of this nation, but they haven’t conquered us yet.  


Tales From The Presidential Suite

In my opinion, November can’t get here fast enough. The U.S. presidential campaign is out of control and anything but presidential. Both sides have gone absolutely nuts. Much of it is constant garbage. It’s like listening to ten year olds fight on the playground and vy for your affection at the same time. When this sort of thing happens in movies, it usually blows up in the ten year olds collective faces. However, for some reason it doesn’t seem to have the same effect on voters when it comes to the next president.

I find it highly irritating how both sides are basically rooting for their favorite sports team in a league comprised of two teams. Both have been around so long that there is an attitude of “My pappy voted for this team and my pappy’s pappy voted for this team.” No one is willing to even listen to what the other side is willing to bring to the table. The R or the D is simply read and the canned response is emitted.

Not that anyone really needs to listen. Because other than guns and religious matters, there isn’t much of a difference between these two parties. A majority of both have been bought out by lobbyists. Both have proliferated war and spying. Sure one is more likely to construct broad sweeping, ambiguously worded legislation while the other is more likely to strip it away. It’s like having one parent say, “Do whatever the fuck you want. Just go to church.” and the other parent say, “The last time we let you do whatever the fuck you wanted, you drew on the wall with a crayon. Now, we have confiscated all writing utensils from the house. Anyone caught with any sort of marking device will be sentenced to life in their bedroom without parole. And at least pretend you went to church!”

Of course these scenarios are undesirable by large majorities of the population. It has been proven time and time again that humans can’t, do whatever the fuck they want and not turn everything into a huge mess. At the same time, we are just one fecalpheliac away from realizing that everyone poops and that – in a pinch – poop makes a good writing utensil.

In some strategy room, a stoned eyed senator who realizes the severity of the situation will say, “My god, we will have to take away everyone’s butts.” Compliant nods will abound. Then the monumental and impossible task of confiscating butts will be unleashed. Of course, not one damn person in that meeting has any idea how to carry out this action. However, the lobbyist for the Butt Control Association, is a happy camper.

So what the hell can voters do? For starters, there are more than two teams and Bernie should have gone with one of those. Gary Johnson and Jill Stein seem like viable places to vote. They seem like reasonable human beings that can answer questions in a normal human way. With words. Not with redundancies and contradictions. Not with smirks as they feel like they successfully zinged the “only other” opponent.

Would it be great to have a woman president? Sure would! Would it be great to have “different” in office? Why not, the current system isn’t so hot. But not the two that are being offered as the only options. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Especially with two candidates who are changing the definition of presidential suite from “The big fancy room.” To “The room that is bloated, sweaty, has hidden cameras, burgeoning closets that are sealed, and the last resident quite possibly had a kill team order against them and they just checked out minutes before you walked in.”



Trump vs. The Raccoons

Recently, I read an article written by a Trump supporter. I just had to know the inner workings of their mind. I thought I maybe I would come to understand what the attraction is. Hell, I thought I may even find, the love. The article was essentially about how Washington has started fail people in order to keep career politicians employed. I agreed with that part. I see a bunch of partisan babies unwilling to compromise, unwilling to do the right thing. Why won’t they move legislation along? Because the other party came up with the idea or because it goes against the hardline definition of what their party stands for.

Which is rather laughable. The party lines have become fairly blurred. Sure they have abortion and guns they can disagree on, but both love them some war, spying on citizens and lobbyists. That last one makes them love whatever their lobbyists love.

I admit the situation seems quite dire and not likely to improve. Even worse, I am certain that whatever we have sown has not fully yielded yet. There are no quick ways to fix it either. Although, I do have one solution that may blow off some steam. I think congress needs to be pulled out on the front lawn with their pants around their ankles and swatted.

The author of the article saw other failings as well. It wasn’t surprising to see refugees and illegal immigration topping the failings list of a Trump supporter. That wasn’t all though, the article went on to say that the country was in debt and seen as weak by other countries.

I can’t argue against the debt part, but I don’t think we are seen as weak. Ruthless, soulless, money-hungry, fat-ass pricks maybe, but not weak. With all the death, destruction and insurgency the U.S. has caused, there is no way we could appear weak. In fact, when it comes to insurgency we are downright inspiring!

All of the author’s ideas were conveyed through a metaphor about raccoon extermination. Basically, the candidates are competing pest removal specialists. All of them are lazy and won’t take the job. Somehow, between xenophobic bouts of turrets and talking about the size of his man-dangler, Trump says he will take the job and guarantees he will get rid of the raccoons that are living the house.

My immediate resolution imagery was that of Trump standing in grimy coveralls in front of a house. He holds a metal box in his hand and twists the knob. Behind him, the house explodes. One of those great fiery explosions, the likes of which haven’t been seen since the cancelation of Miami Vice. One of those explosions that send the boards careening in every direction. Presumably, the raccoons are gone.

The author never went into detail about how Trump would get rid of the raccoons. In fact, the author didn’t seem too pragmatic or care what the answer was. Instead, the author was just fed up and angry with politicians and thinks that Trump is the answer. Which I can see where he is coming from, but disagree on the answer.

I will give the author that Trump’s actions are refreshing in comparison to his competition. Unfortunately, they are as refreshing as a piece of Juicy Fruit gum. While the first few moments of chewing Juicy Fruit border on euphoria, one is ultimately left with a tasteless white thing they have to deal with until they are able to find an appropriate and ethical means of disposal.

By the time I finished the article, I could see the attraction. Hell, I didn’t need the article for that. It’s pretty obvious what the attraction is. The guy is a snake oil salesman! Mostly because he says he will fix everything, but does not provide specifics. Then proceeds to be a base knuckle dragger. He doesn’t inspire people to become better. Instead, he inspires them to drag others down to their level, forcibly in a lot of cases. To be blunt and speak my mind, a trait his supporters love, I did not find love for the hot air billowing busted ass elastic ass bag.

Americans Not Assholeicans

If you haven’t already heard, Donald Trump seems to be leading other republicans in the polls. In some cases he has almost as twice as much as the next leader. As a sane person, I find this deeply troubling. I know that polls are not an exact reading, but they are something.

Some of the reasons seem to be that he is a breath of fresh air and tells it like it is. I understand the sentiment, but this is a huge misunderstanding. Getting up on stage and being a jerk isn’t telling it like it is. Saying America, we have some issues: bipartisan split, racism, education, healthcare and a crippling debt that makes Greece’s debt look like couch change. That is telling it like it is!

Speaking of the debt, I just can’t trust a guy who filed for bankruptcy and is now back on top of the world. Perhaps he would file the entire country for bankruptcy and get that whole debt thing taken care of at the cost of the entire world’s economy. Before you whip out your American flag and shotgun while screaming, “Wooooooo! Telling it like it is!” I have one question.

“How long has it been since you personally recovered from last economic crash?” Because this one would be much, much worse.

The next elephant in the room is his racism, where does it stop? As a country, we have a lot of issues when it comes to race and religion. We have a lot to work through and we haven’t made nearly as much progress as people want to think. Yet, here is a man that is less than accepting and wants to build some silly wall. Is he running on Pat Buchanan’s 1990 platform? Anyone watch Game of Thrones? The wall didn’t work so well did it! Also, of course Jon Snow isn’t dead!

Donald Trump seems to have a low opinion of everyone. Is that really the kind of guy you want in charge of you? He truly believes he is better than you and that you are stupid and a loser. Sure he hasn’t said as much, but based on everything he has said to everyone else lately, anyone should be able to draw the same conclusion. How could anyone want this man to deal with other countries as he has already pissed off the entire republican party?

When did American’s get this obnoxious chip on their shoulder and feel incessant need to be stubborn, loud, and tell it like it is? We are American’s not Assholeicans. I cannot respect anyone who thinks this man is a viable choice as president. Unless one simply wants to watch the world burn. In which case kudos on using your ballot as a weapon of mass destruction.