Streets of Rage and Altered Beast: W(TV)F


 

Anyone hear about the Streets of Rage and Altered Beast TV shows or movies? I did and, if  you haven’t already guessed it, I was all “double-u tee eff?” Did anyone ask for this? Is that the kind of vibe us binge watching chuckle heads are giving off? What sort of lobotomized focus group was consulted and which states are they valid drivers in?

At no point during my childhood did I think to myself, “Gee-willikers! I sure would like to see a feature length movie based on Streets of Rage and/or Altered Beast.” Admittedly movies like Super Mario Brothers, Street Fighter and Double Dragon had already turned me into a jaded little tubby bastard. How my inner child didn’t shrivel up like an exposed to lake water scrotum after those turds, I will never know.

At no point did I add, “Multiple twenty-four episode seasons, would be even better. That would really give some lucky duck writer a chance to flesh out the ‘Welcome to your doom’ guy. Show us what makes him tick. I am sure he was just a misunderstood, Prometheus lookin’ motherfucker who shoots the player with lighting at the end of every stage.”

You know why I never thought any of those things? Because I am not a total ass-bag of a douche poncho! And I assume a vast majority of kids that played those games aren’t either. Decades have passed and we may be the only people who experienced these games. Do you suppose the kids are clamoring for it? Fuck me, a majority of the eldest millenials probably don’t even care. Who the hell are these shows for, loser ass forty-somethings?

These games are almost thirty years old and, while they were great games, they don’t have enough character depth or world building to support movie or television format by default. Oh sure, someone can whip up some shit and make both properties barely resemble their former selves. Maybe David Caruso can play Axel Stone’s grumpy police chief. Perhaps Blaze Fielding can do some crime scene investigating between jump kicking back flips. Personally, I can’t wait until Adam Hunter calls in the bazooka chain gun wielding militarized cops to kill* all the bad guys.

Seriously, there was a fucking Kangaroo and a cybernetic Master Po like guy in the third one. How the hell can anyone make any show or movie worthwhile out of these? It isn’t the eighties! I am so glad that Fifty Shades of Grey ushered in a new era of movies that feature two-dimensional characters beating each other up.

What do you think? Holler!

 


As always, if you liked it, share it. I love comments. Apologies to, Machismo Wainwright for the swearing.

*Cause them to blink out of existence

 

 

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Nintendo Classic or Classic Nintendo


 

When the Nintendo Classic was announced, I was excited. Joy filled my heart. Angels sang The Beatles “Because” from their heavenly perches. The sky seemed bluer. And, I could have sworn, that for a moment, Republicans and Democrats were getting along. Then I clicked the link, read about it, and all of that euphoria left me.

There were two things that caused this. First, was the superficial one, the controller ports. I understand that the smaller size prevented Nintendo from using the old inputs, but it just seemed wrong. Not only that, but of all the ports they did use, it’s the ones from the Wii and the Wii U*. Which signified to me who they were trying to target. To quote the best Star Wars character, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” I was right!

There it was, the second and more glaring issue. The thirty games that came pre-installed on it were the only ones we were going to get. No internet connectivity! No SD card slot! Confusion reigned! If it were a movie, I would have been down on my knees with my hands covering my ears while crying as the camera panned around me continuously.

I didn’t get it! It wasn’t for people who still had Nintendo gear. It wasn’t for people looking for a viable and legally digital way to relive the glory days. Fuck me, it wasn’t even for Nintendo to make money after the initial purchase. The Nintendo Classic was for the same people that walk into Bed, Bath, and Beyond and find those Atari and Genesis pre-loaded consoles. They pick them up without a second thought. They look forward to reliving the glory days and sharing those memories with the people in their lives who weren’t there the first time. Let’s call these people, “saps.”

Then they get home and realize the thing is a lackluster knock-off; Cheap, plastic, and missing a vital game that will never appear. Except in this case the console isn’t made by some unheard of company, it’s made by Nintendo. A word that fills us with joy. A name that stands for quality. Then we remember that the Wii U is a lackluster knock-off of last gen consoles and it all makes sense.

I know I sound like an old grumpy hipster. That I am far too cool for such a toy. There is some truth in that, but it’s because I’m cheap and I want my dollar to go as far as it can. There are alternatives like the AVS and Retron series. Yes, they cost a bit more. Sure, both require cartridges, but that means you can play what you want. If buying cartridges isn’t your thing, then why not keep emulating you cheap bastard. Are you a sap?

 

So what do you think, is it your childhood resurrected or a display of Nintendo’s cynical view of their customers?

 


As always, please comment and share.

 

*Apparently they used the controller cable length too 😦