Snax Tyme: Banana and Nutella


 

My last post was a bit heavy and I think we could all use a bit of a chaser or cleanser. It’s that time of year where we should be happy and in a good mood. At least, that is what’s expected of us. To that end, we need to get our blood sugar level up, put a little boogie in our tummy tums. That is why I am going to let you in on one of my favorite snacks, banana and Nutella.

It’s easy, delicious, and – while it may not be the healthiest thing – I think it’s kind of nutritious. I mean, it includes an entire banana. Sure it’s covered in Nutella and we know that, despite Nutella being advertised as being healthy, Nutella isn’t the best for you. Of course, how could a sugary oily chocolate spread be healthy? With the calories per serving resembling butter, who would believe such tomfoolery? We’re all smart people here, right?

Anyway.

Three ways to rip it, dip it, flip it, and slice it:

  • The first is the dip. Which is exactly what it sounds like. You’re an animal and probably have a lot of muscles and not much time for proper preparation with all that stuff you have do. Peel that banana as quick as you can – probably from the bottom you hulking beast. Twist open the jar of Nutella or just throw it at the wall – you are the physical vessel of that arm wrestlin’ handshake combo between Arnie and Carl. Once those two steps are complete, just start dipping. It’s gross, won’t get the ladies, and isn’t as sanitary as the next two, but satisfies the recipe’s requirements by including Nutella and banana.
  • The second is the slice and dip. Let me say that sliced banana is one of the best ways to eat a banana. There is just something about the slimy cool innards of a banana that enhances the flavor. Yet, having to slice one up and then dip it into a dollop of Nutella on the side leaves something to be desired. First off, it takes time. Secondly, the Nutella pulls the bananas off the fork, so you may need to use your hands. Lastly, there will be remnants of Nutella that will be wasted.
  • That is why there is the third option. For that person that has everything except time and the want to waste perfectly good Nutella. It’s a marvel of pragmatic efficiency. Simply peel that banana and plop it on a plate. Then take a fork and jab it into the Nutella jar. Then drizzle the Nutella on top of the banana in an end to end fashion. Repeat if necessary. If eaten carefully no Nutella will touch the plate. Not to mention that there is a lot of Nutella stuck in the tines of the fork, which you can get out at your choosing.

So what do you think, you gonna try any of these recipes* or have any of your own? Let us know!


*Not responsible for any damage or loss of vision when the Nutella jar explodes against the wall.

Advertisements

Nutella Pops

I was thirty-six before I recall ever eating Nutella. It came in a donut from the current version of Tim Horton’s, the one after the trans fat apocalypse cuing buy out by Burger King. An action that makes me wish I would have bought stock in whip cream. As that is the ingredient that Tim Horton’s now uses to determine if a donut is deluxe or not. The chosen few are just slathered in the stuff. I’ve seen them cut a chocolate filled donut in half and fill it whip cream and call it a whoopee pie. I’ve seen them eviscerate a long john and desecrate the corpse with whip cream and call it an eclair. An eclair!

 
Where was I? Oh yes, maybe I had had Nutella before. Maybe it was in things and I failed to notice the light hazelnut taste nestled in between all the chocolaty goodness. Either way, I had never gone out and bought a jar of it.

 
That is until about seven months ago. I realized I kept going to Tim Horton’s and buying the little danish things that contained Nutella. I figured that I might as well cut out the middle man and fried dough. I swore to myself that I would be a responsible owner of a jar of soul renewing chocolaty goodness.

 
For awhile, I held myself to that vow. I used toast, fruit, and crepes as my chosen delivery vehicles. That was only twice a week. Then one day, while I was in the house by myself – don’t worry this is not going to get weird – I invented a new taste sensation. Something that reduced my carb intake and non-essential calorie consumption. Which means I annexed all the calories for Nutella. I call them ‘Nutella Pops*.’ On lookers may say “Look at that poor sad husk of former human significance shoving a spoon into the Nutella jar. He licks the spoon in an effort to add validity to term Nutella pop.”

 
Sure it seems like I have absolutely no will power what so ever. That I am simply cracking open a jar of goodness and just digging into it like a certain unambitious, pants-off-dance-off enthusiast, red polo shirt wearing yellow bear would do. Well I will have you know that I at least have pants on! And since I typically only do less than a table spoon once or twice, that is less than two hundred calories. So when needing a shot of chocolate, it’s better than eating a piece of cake, donut, or candy bar. Delicious, portion controlled, easily accessible, Nutella Pops! Afterward, one could wash the spoon by hand and burn a calorie or two.

*Nutella Pop Recipe:

1 Jar of Nutella

1 Spoon – depending on your stance on double dipping

1 All The Self-Control and Respect You Can Muster

Return of the Topic of Pop-Tarts: Part One

  I had a fellow blogger comment on a previous post about pop-tarts. This blogger said, “One should always eat a Pop-tart cold. They’re just better that way!” A sentiment I wholeheartedly agree with Austin on. I remember as a child having a few pop-tarts in the morning. In hindsight they were  usually the precursor to a terrible day to follow. As a child of pleasantly plump proportions, I really enjoyed eating. I was not a fan of the hot pop-tart mostly because the last thing I would be able taste for the next two days was the boringly sweet bread and a split second of metallic tasting white hot fruit flavored fury.

  The other day my wife mentioned that she always thought of pop-tarts as a snackfood, but they were marketed as breakfast fare. Another sentiment I wholeheartedly agree with. Apparently pop-tarts were invented in a time when kids didn’t have time to eat breakfast and parents didn’t have time to dump some sugar coated flakes and milk in a bowl between swigs of whiskey and puffs of smoke. That has been Kellogg’s marketing plan the entire time, it hasn’t changed in fifty years. Now, that I am a mostly sentient adult, I have cast off Kellogg’s recommendations. I eat pop-tarts at the temperature I want, when I want. I am certain I am not alone on this.

  Come on over here Kellogg’s. Let me dump some knowledge on you. A gesture of my hand conjures a bear rug covered room. Next, to the roaring fire are two squishy broken-in high backed chairs and their matching ottomans. The scent of mahogany has worked its way into everything. I hear your bones crack and creak as you settle in to your chair of choice. When was the last time you sat down? Too much Frosted Flakes will make you pace. No one can keep up with Tony. Now, on with the knowledge!

(To be concluded.)

And While I’m On the Topic of Peach Pies: Pop Tarts

  I don’t know why, but for some reason I’ve been Jonesing for a poptart. Not for the somewhat passable after the fall of western society S’more variety, but a fruit one, in particular blueberry. It seems that for the past year or so I have wanted one at odd times, after a run, post coital bliss, while watching Perfect Strangers. However, it never occurs to me to buy the things when I am at the grocery store. Leaving this craving unanswered, meaning it is one craving. Not these cravings, which implies that I have satisfied the craving and have had others.

  For those of you sheltered enough to somehow not know what a poptart is, they are tarts for people who lost their taste buds in some horrific explosion or for people who thought fifty year old preserves would go great between communion wafers.

  Poptarts are made from a pie crust like product that started out as more paste than dough. In the middle of this, bread pocket, is this near dehydrated jam stuff. If one springs for the deluxe box, there will even be some completely unsatisfying frosting on top.

  As I’ve alluded to, they are dry. I swear to google that the recipe for these things had to be rejected from the U.S. space program back in the sixties for being ever so slightly too moist. Go ahead and wikipedia it, I am a little too close for such an off the cuff remark.

 Of course, one could actually opt to put the poptarts in a toaster until they – as their name clearly states – pop. At which point consumers of hot poptarts should exercise caution, as freshly toasted poptarts will almost certainly scorch the tongue. Leaving a trail of destruction and smoldering taste buds that are unable to taste anything. Which could be a boon since the consumer is about to eat a poptart. It may also make no difference to them as, they are about to eat a poptart. Which is a sign that they aren’t using their tongue’s taste capacitors for the power of good or anything other than going to Wendy’s for some high-falutin square patty burger eatin’. So the consumer’s taste is non-applicable in the first place.

   Go ahead, put the poptarts  in the toaster. They may give the impression of being moist upon exiting, but they may also singe facial hair. If these molten bastards existed more than six hundred years ago, they would have been flung over castle walls. Bursting grass shit huts into flames and covering poor peons with incredibly hot and painfully sticky poptart innards. Thankfully, we only have to eat these things. Fortunately, I don’t have any in the house.