Darth Vader: Space Dick Head

Face it, Darth Vader was a bad dude. The mere mention of his name, if it were even spoken aloud, sent chills running down the spines of all that heard it. Made their b-holes shrivel like deflating balloon. He could lightsaber duel like no-one’s business and force choke people when he was feeling blah. When truly uninitiated, Darth Vader could order people to blow stuff up for him. With nary a care in the universe. He didn’t care about the people that he killed. They were vermin and beneath him. Darth Vader had no feelings. Well, not good ones that The Beach Boys liked to sing about.

Before becoming the love child of death and a badly in need of service vacuum cleaner, in a metaphorical “I hate Mondays” T-shirt, Darth Vader was known as Anakin Skywalker. A good looking, sniveling, whiny, business in front, party in back rat tail wearing douche which no one particularly cared for, except Padme and JarJar.

To the detriment of tension, he happened to be good at everything he did. Fighting, jumping, flying, sniveling, were all in his wheelhouse. Which happened to be the reason why Palpatine was interested in him. If one is going to play an intergalactic game of dodgeball, then one should pick the best person for one’s team.

That’s exactly what Palpatine did. However, he didn’t want Vader to be too powerful. To that end, Palpatine manufactured some restraints into that suit. This would hopefully prevent Vader from overpowering and killing his master. Something that happens to every single Sith Lord at some point in time. So much so, that it leaves one wondering why they continue to take on apprentices.

The biggest limitation though was the helmet. There’s no denying that it looked cool and threatening, especially with the skull like mask. However, it had a secret. One of those things that, once it’s seen, cannot be unseen.

Everyone was absolutely one hundred percent terrified of Darth Vader. That was the only reaction anyone could have. Terror. That is until a plucky rebel trooper Chet “Amazeballs” Phasall pointed it out. The thing that couldn’t be unseen. Darth Vader’s helmet looked like a dick.

That was the cherry on top of the black cowl 1970’s sweat suit combo. It looked like Darth Vader could run a 5k on Hoth and be ready to take a bullet. He had a dark lustrous voice that sounded like silk that’d been run through the wash a thousand times. Then there was his mask, both skull like and yet, very alien at the same time. Yet, none of it was worth a dime once people realized he looked like a space weiner.

On top of all the limitations of the suit that kept Vader’s power in check, he had to have phallic head gear. It was all too much. Eventually, Vader tracked down Chet and made an example of him. A year later Rogue One happened. You can see that Krennic still couldn’t unsee the helmet.


The first post after a break ain’t easy. Even if I started writing well before said break.

 

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Boba Fett Is Dead! Long Live… Whatever…

That is right nerds. Boba Fett, the quietest, deadliest, and coolest bounty hunter in the galaxy is dead. I suppose he has been for the last few months or at least ever since it became news that only the movies and that tv show were canon.

After falling into a sarlacc pit at the end of Jedi, everyone left the theatre thinking that quiet tin headed douche, who had captured Han for a bit, had kicked the bucket. Nobody really cared. Some were glad that he was gone. Including me, nobody does that to Han and gets away with it. He didn’t do all that much and died a rather humorous death that wasn’t fitting of his bad ass status. In fact, he died much in the same manner that the nameless and generic gamorrean guards did. Right into the sarlacc pit, which looks like nothing more than a sand sphincter. I should know, I just drew one and am now considered an expert on the subject.

It wasn’t until, later that he came back to life in one of the books. Well, actually, he had never died. Something about his jetpack and a ledge or something. I am not sure and I don’t care enough to google it. The book also contained more information about him, apparently. Maybe he did some really rad stuff, because he is really popular. Everyone likes him, including myself.

Even his toys are sought after and are more difficult to find. There seems to be a higher value put on them. I believe it is akin to how popular Snake Eyes from G.I. Joe was. His toys were more difficult to track down too. While all we knew about him was that he’s a badass and a dog person.

So without the acknowledgement of that book in the new canon. Boba is dead, but don’t fret. I am sure they will bring him back. However, for the moment, he is, dead. My condolences. Also, Han’s cooler.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens Teaser Trailer, A Penny For My Thoughts. (Expanded and Revised Edition)

I watched the teaser trailer. I think I may be just the tiniest bit excited now. The whole two handed lightsabre is quite the topic. I mean, it is a zweihander after all.

:14 Is that Benedict Cumberbatch. Well isn’t he the hairy pate Patrick Stewart of 2014! It could be Max von Sydow. I am certain it isn’t Gilbert Godfrey. Although, when the trailer for Spaceballs 2 is released…

:22 “We ain’t found shit!” This is a Spaceballs reference. I also thought that this could be the guy that awoke from dreaming episodes 1-3. Which would be the easiest way to get out of that whole mess and act like nothing happened.

:43 Bocephus-Earl Porkins! Jek’s son is out for revenge. If yes, I am definitely in!

:45 Yeah, this is for sure the official trailer. Hashtag first ten minutes of Star Trek Into Darkness all over again.

:54 HOLY SHIT! A light zweihander! Ermahgerd! Looks amazing! Why didn’t I think of that? Oh yeah, cuz it is a bad idea. Made by the same asshole who thought putting tanks on four, three storey tall legs, was a great idea. In a galaxy far far away. Where form does not follow function. Also, why is sithhead only using one hand for a two handed weapon? Great shot, bad form.

1:00 Yay, the Millennium Falcon is flying! This is great!

1:01 Jesus I am going to blow chunks in the theatre!

1:05 Wait, it isn’t going into space. [Thinks back to :45] Has gravitational force become so strong that ships can’t get off the ground? Have all FTL/Warp/Hyperspace/Floppy drives been replaced with fuel efficient land cruiser engines?

1:09 [Thinks back to :54] Seriously, sithhead is going to get hurt. Darth Stubs does not sound intimidating. Why not broaden up lasery light part a bit and use a “super resistant metal” for the hilt. Sure it would have to be repaired from time to time, but that is life. Taking a lazer sward to a blacksmith sounds more viable that chopping off your hands. Apparently this guy hasn’t seen Astar . Or maybe he is Astar-like! In which case screw my entire argument, that is an awesome light zweihander.

What are your thoughts? Leave them in the comments below.