Streets of Rage and Altered Beast: W(TV)F


 

Anyone hear about the Streets of Rage and Altered Beast TV shows or movies? I did and, if  you haven’t already guessed it, I was all “double-u tee eff?” Did anyone ask for this? Is that the kind of vibe us binge watching chuckle heads are giving off? What sort of lobotomized focus group was consulted and which states are they valid drivers in?

At no point during my childhood did I think to myself, “Gee-willikers! I sure would like to see a feature length movie based on Streets of Rage and/or Altered Beast.” Admittedly movies like Super Mario Brothers, Street Fighter and Double Dragon had already turned me into a jaded little tubby bastard. How my inner child didn’t shrivel up like an exposed to lake water scrotum after those turds, I will never know.

At no point did I add, “Multiple twenty-four episode seasons, would be even better. That would really give some lucky duck writer a chance to flesh out the ‘Welcome to your doom’ guy. Show us what makes him tick. I am sure he was just a misunderstood, Prometheus lookin’ motherfucker who shoots the player with lighting at the end of every stage.”

You know why I never thought any of those things? Because I am not a total ass-bag of a douche poncho! And I assume a vast majority of kids that played those games aren’t either. Decades have passed and we may be the only people who experienced these games. Do you suppose the kids are clamoring for it? Fuck me, a majority of the eldest millenials probably don’t even care. Who the hell are these shows for, loser ass forty-somethings?

These games are almost thirty years old and, while they were great games, they don’t have enough character depth or world building to support movie or television format by default. Oh sure, someone can whip up some shit and make both properties barely resemble their former selves. Maybe David Caruso can play Axel Stone’s grumpy police chief. Perhaps Blaze Fielding can do some crime scene investigating between jump kicking back flips. Personally, I can’t wait until Adam Hunter calls in the bazooka chain gun wielding militarized cops to kill* all the bad guys.

Seriously, there was a fucking Kangaroo and a cybernetic Master Po like guy in the third one. How the hell can anyone make any show or movie worthwhile out of these? It isn’t the eighties! I am so glad that Fifty Shades of Grey ushered in a new era of movies that feature two-dimensional characters beating each other up.

What do you think? Holler!

 


As always, if you liked it, share it. I love comments. Apologies to, Machismo Wainwright for the swearing.

*Cause them to blink out of existence

 

 

Extra Binge

 


When you cut the cable chord and go full streaming, your life changes, you can binge. Weeks turn into days. Days turn into weeks. Cats and dogs get along. Your hair grows long and lustrous in the places it should and quits growing where it shouldn’t. Plus, you save all sorts of money and get to watch what you want, when you want. While all that may sound enticing, it can lead to one losing touch with what is happening on cable and even the real world. Hell, some may not even realize there is an entire season of a show they haven’t watched yet! That show for us was Parks and Rec.

*Very Minor Spoilers Ahead. Really I wouldn’t even call it a spoiler. It’s more like an allusion. Trust me, I spend my days in a self-emitted chamber of silence to make sure I don’t run into spoilers. When it fails, I unfollow people who ruin shows for me. I would read and be okay with the following.*

Season six of Parks and Rec kind of ended the show. Anyone could watch that and walk away with a greater sense of closure than they had after LOST. People move on and characters evolve over the last few episodes. We both figured it was done. We went on with our lives. Started watching other shows. We didn’t realize another season still existed in the “to be added ether.”
That is until one day, when I logged into Shomi* to watch some American Horror Story. What did I spy at the top of my screen with the heading “New Episodes?” Parks and Rec! Not that I needed to say that because each and every one of you is super smart and taking notes.

At first, I assumed it was an error. Shomi sometimes behaves funny. Maybe someone in the marketing department tagged this to drum up some views. Either way, my curiosity got the best of me in an instant. I clicked the button and great joy filled every particle of my being. It was like Christmas in September or October – I don’t remember which. I showed my wife and we reviewed the episode names and descriptions. With each word, our voices moved toward a higher pitch. Filled with excitement and the joy that children feel on Christmas Morning when they run down stairs and don’t find their drunk uncle passed out under the tree, we jumped off the couch – which is counter intuitive when it comes to watching TV.

We did it! There was an entire new season of one of our favorite shows to watch! Thirteen new episodes to catch up with some of our favorite characters one last time. Too be honest, this season is one of the best and I love the little twist put on it. I chortled like a recently head trauma sustaining squirrel as it was revealed. Then I just buckled up and watched one of the finest seasons of this show.

*Shomi is a Canadian streaming service that will be shuttered at the end of November. We will miss the old movies and the shows not available on Netflix Canada. Someone, please, pick up the FX shows. Get the Canadian rights, please.

 


As always, please like, share, and comment. If  you aren’t busy binging.

Once Again, Waiting For The Meteor

 My wife and I have just returned from a road trip around British Columbia. I’ve lived here for ten years and have never been north of Whistler or east of Bridal Falls, well by car at least. We had a great time gallivanting through the Cariboo to Prince George. We had an equally great time scooting through the Okanagan Valley. Especially once we got a designated driver to haul us to different wineries!

 Our hotel room was a bit of a hot mess at first. Eventually, that got sorted out and we got some Denny’s gift cards. And before any of the lost souls known as foodies get all worked up about diner cuisine.  Yes, we did use them. We used the shit out of them, on a surprisingly delicious breakfast slam.  

 So, what the hell is deal with the title? Why am I uncharacteristically positive thus far? What could have possibly happened to turn my warm inebriated smile flip on the dial? What kind of first world problem could do such a thing?

 Everything was going great. Better than great, we had a case of wine in our arms and a bottle in our bellies. We slipped back into the hotel room. Nothing was out of place. We made some food in the tiny kitchenette. We turned on the TV. Then for whatever reason, we stopped on the W Channel.

 What I am going to say next isn’t a blanket statement. Some of the shows aren’t all that bad, hell even the Luke Perry movie wasn’t that bad. However, there were a select few shows about houses nestled between other shows about houses that I didn’t enjoy so much. In fact, they made me lose hope for humanity. As in, we are screwed as a species.     

 These shows have a team of scripted ponces delivering one-liners and zingers that come off sounding like sexual tension in a pressure cooker being shot out of air lock directly into a black hole. I was just waiting for them to clear a table and go to town on one another, but it wasn’t Cinemax. To make matters worse, they typically have some chattering yip-yops complaining about the house they own not having a powder room, music room, or some other superfluous room that only pinky raising ninnies and entitled nitzes find necessary.

 As I watched I just became more and more frustrated. Young people own a freaking detached home in Vancouver! All the house required was a trip to Ikea for some organizational shelving doo-flickies and a trip to Home Depot to buy a new flushing mechanism for the toilet. Of course one of these products of helicopter parenting would have to nut up and install the damn thing, but seriously, it takes an hour if you’re drinking.

 There were other shows, same thing different cities and house flippers. My faith humanity was reduced to zero. The likelihood of us circumventing global calamity looks slim to none. I went to the window, pulled back the blind, and looked to the sky. Not for some divine intervention, but cosmic interruption. Alas, I saw no giant flaming space rock hurtling toward me. So I decided I would sit on the bed and complacently wait. Also, another show was on that wasn’t so bad.