Covfefe: Obligations and What-Not


The ‘Fefe Was That?

Not meaning to toot my own horn, but “toot-toot!” I went the entire day without sayin’ boo. Covfefe? More like covwhofuckin’cares? I’m going to take high road travelled by grumpy old men and look down on anyone who jumped on the bandwagon. For shame!

So gloats the great horn of irony! It’s not lost on me that this post is a contradiction, but I needed something to write about and I might as well go where the money is.

What the hell was it all about anyway? I can’t be bothered to google it or look into much more than the shallow end of twitter, but I believe it was intended to be “coverage.” I typed it like I was playing accompaniment air guitar on a Jim Brickman song. Meaning, so gently I didn’t depress a single key.

My investigation concluded with substantial evidence that everyone is an idiot. The person who typed it, the people who jumped on it and made it go viral, me for writing this. We’re all in this together! We just spread a virus. Symptoms include shrinking of hands and being an idiot. Covfefe, catch the fever!

 


See you in the funny papers. Which now happens to be every paper.

 

A Blog Post Found In An Abandoned Cabin and Six Things To Do While Twitter Is Down


 

Why is twitter down? It was behaving kind of odd last night, before I gave up and went to bed. This morning it was no better. In fact, it was no longer “kind of odd,” it’s full blown screwed up. Like a child actor with midlife crisis action.

Somehow I see my feed, but that’s it. Interacting with tweets or trying to check notifications etc. causes twitter to barf. Which is concerning. What is that indie author who sent me a link to their cool new book going to think when I don’t engage with their link? That’s sad twitter and it’s on you.

Maybe all I need is a restart. Perhaps I should just do a quick google search. See if twitter is down. Ah, yes, there it is. Fifteen minutes ago. Maybe I should have said something before I got my solid eight hours. Become the world leader in twitter news. A source that people trust and come to in these dark times. Years will pass before anyone will know which news sources to trust, which end is up, or whether to scratch their watches or wind their butts.

What am I on about? Wait, what was that? Did you hear that? Sounded like chatter, a tap tittering on the floor. Like thousands of bags seeping through the walls and beginning their journey toward me. Is that someone standing outside my window? I could have sworn I saw them, across the street. Now all I see is a nondescript van.

Think I’m losing it. Need to keep myself busy, with these:.

Six Things To Do While Twitter Is Down!

Drink Coffee

Sure, sounds good. The good ol’ mornin’ tradition and the best part of waking up, besides reading twitter. I mean I was going to do that anyway. While I read twitter, but it’s down. The caffeine is starting to really kick in.

Go To Facebook

I’ll go spend some time on facebook. Which is where I actually start every morning. It’s kind of like doing some stretching before a vigorous physical activity. I get to judge people based on their political stances and compare my life to others. Eventually, stupid image shares will get the best of me. The kind that beg for shares because a dog addicted to wearing fedoras or whatnot. That’s when I have my fill and move on.

Make a Podcast

Twitter down? Have a lot of opinions, no audience and no experience with recording audio? Then making a podcast is for you! What about? Who cares, just talk. Don’t edit a thing. The best podcasts like two hours long or something.

Do Taxes

Just did them, but why not get a jump on next years.

Clean the House

No thank you.

Go To Work?

Why not.

 


 

The MySpace Exodus of Two Thousand Whatever


 

The Rise, The Plague, The Fall

MySpace, remember that? It still exists and at one time, scrolled sideways in an effort to be cool. My page is* derelict and full of plug-ins and quizzes that no longer exist. Remember how easy it was to take the default page and turn into a late nineties DIY blog’s interpretation of a Las Vegasian nightmare?

Someone once said that MySpace was founded on three principles. Skanky pictures, of skanky people, doing skanky things. That isn’t an exact quote, but it is damn close. It may also be only one principle. Either way, they were right, so very right.

MySpace started its descent from popularity around 2007. Facebook threw the first punch and everything else swarmed it. Someone flipped on the lights and the skanky people scurried away like plague infested rats scrambling from a sinking ship. Problem is, they took up residence on the surrounding icebergs, in other words, the new cool social networks.

Back In Your Ass With The Resurrection

A while back, I discovered a vein of skanky people on twitter. One follow back and the next thing I knew, my feed looked like it was straight out MySpace. In other words, the digital equivalent of watching from behind the curtain as the neighbors have a naked fist fight in the front yard and, as the cops pull up, their toddler – the one with tattoos – steps out on the porch shooting a .44 while dropping bombs of the eff and cee variety. Then Ron Jeremy shows up. It was 2004 all over again!

Have you been to MySpace lately? It’s rebranded cleaned up and seems to completely be about music. No one gives a fuck about Tom. I assume he is either chugging beer at the frat house in the sky or moved onto other marketing opportunities. Unfortunately, he left his skanky friends down here.

 


Written at Ikea while waiting to return something, refined at home.

*Was. Now it’s shut down.

The Follow Unfollow Game

I am a proud member of #TeamFollowBack. If someone follows me and they aren’t trying to sell me followers or they don’t seem like a fake account, I will follow them back. I don’t care what they do or what they are into: Accounting, kittens, travel, marketing, erotic authors, whatever. Just as long as those erotic authors aren’t hosing my entire feed with NSFW images, I will follow back.

Here is the best part. I won’t unfollow after two days. In fact, tweeps I follow have to try super hard to annoy me. There are only a few ways they can do so. For one, I don’t particularly enjoy getting my feed filled by the same person. As far as I remember only one person ever performed such a feat. I felt bad. Perhaps it was more my fault. He seemed like an elite tweeper and I was just a fledgling on my first few days. Maybe if I would have followed more folks like him it all would have evened out. In the end, it was too overwhelming. Other than that though I won’t unfollow on my own accord.

Unless of course I am unfollowed. For those who aren’t twitter hounds, this happens a lot. People follow folks to grow their numbers. Which is fine, that is what we are all trying to do. Peddle ourselves and our products. Here is the kick in the pants, some tweeps will unfollow after a few days of you following them back. That’s right! They started this by following you and after getting your vital follow, they unfollow you. This is like inviting someone over for a beer that they have to bring, then taking said beer and not talking to them.

Why do they do this? So they look cool and appear super popular. Many celebrities have gazillions of followers, but aren’t following very many people. They don’t need to. Why would they want to follow Michelle from Moscow, Kansas? Hell I don’t even want to follow Michelle from Moscow, Kansas.

Being like a celebrity is the effect that these fairweather followers are going for. A huge number by followers, small number by following. Enticing folks to follow them to inflate their numbers. Then trying to make themselves look cooler by unfollowing. Bringing down their numbers and looking more in demand. What a bunch of jerks!

 

 

 

Twitter, I Will Not Favorite the Like.

Today was my first day of actually seeing the heart. I had read it was happening. That the excellent, versatile, and contextually sensitive favorite star was being replaced by the low brow, easy entry, noob friendly, lowest common denominator, facebook migratory sign, the like with heart button. I do not like it. It isn’t that I am resistant to change, far from it in fact. However, I am resistant to devolution!

The favorite star was great for several reasons. For starters, both word and symbol don’t have an overwhelmingly positive context. Both were content neutral and could be used for liking a hilariously happy tweet one moment and terrible news about a national tragedy next. It wasn’t based on positivity which the word “like” and the heart symbol are. When tweepers and readers get down to the knitty gritty, they won’t be able to hit that like button on the latest dour news. Well they can, it will just look weird that news of the latest mass shooting has hearts underneath it.

Other social media sites can get away with the like. Who isn’t going to like a photo on the all you can eat buffet of optimism over on instagram? The whole site is photos, what isn’t to like? Over on Facebook, the like button has been in use the whole time, and yet it is somewhat limiting. People can like the happy stuff, but when it comes to terrible news things get awkward. So much so that Facebook has been talking about adding a dislike button.

It is worth to mention to Facebook that the favorite star is up for grabs. People are smart enough to figure it out and it adds so much versatility to the culture. It isn’t just hearts, love, and optimism. It’s excelling, important, and worthy of noting. Don’t be the pandering shareholder types over at Twitter who believe that one little icon is going to bring the facebookers over in droves. It could quite possibly have the opposite effect. I hear Google+ has a context neutral +1 button.

Hashtag Ask Me’s.

When I woke up this morning the #ask for London’s Mayor, Boris Johnson, was trending. I don’t know who it is that thinks twitter is the best forum for creating a huge dialog such as this. Twitter is like everyone being shoved into an incredibly large room where everyone talks at once. Every now and then some people say “I like that!” and hit the favorite button. Occasionally someone likes something enough to repeat it word for word so they hit retweet. However there is a lot of ignoring. Not because people are being mean, it is because we are all in a huge freaking room talking all at once. Even the world’s best conversationalist couldn’t handle it.

Then rarely, yet often in recent memory somebody climbs one of the supportive beams to the rafters armed with a flashlight.

“Ask Me Anything!” They scream while shining the flashlight in their face.

“How did you get up there?” The first and decidedly british voice breaks the silence.

“I climbed.” A smug smile crawls across their face, This is going to be easy as pie, the ascentor foolishly thinks.

“What do you plan to do in the new year?”

“Do you blow dry or simply towel dry your hair?”

“Do you like it more when you or your wife wears the Nixon Mask?”

“What is it like to be an asshole?”

“You like having money, how about them poor people?”

“Do you beat women?”

“What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

A jolt is sent through the rafter as the supportive beam below shifts due to crushing weight of the mob below. Questions continue to be asked in a din that resembles zombified african killer bees. Which, at this point, being stuck in a room with them would be preferable.

If this were a press conference in the physical world, everybody would be raising their hands. Only people who actually invested in getting there would be there. Effort and resources would have been spent: fuel, time, money. On twitter anyone can pop by and ask a question.

“Would you help me get your Nigerian Prince Cousin out of prison?”

“Buy my book!”

“Buy my book!”

[Dick Pic]

“What’s the difference between a mallard and duck?”

What I am wondering is who are the PR twits that think this is a good idea? Are they young and naive fools fresh out of marketing school? Are they old schmos who don’t fully understand how the internets work, but hear all the kids are using it? Perhaps they are both.

“Hey what are you doing on your phone?” says the old marketingeer as they wipe the cobwebs from their eye sockets.

“I am tweeting!” says the dowey eyed youngling.

“You know how to do that! I put something in my objectives for the year about using twitter in a campaign! With my wisdom and your go getter attitude, we’ll take on the world!”

And you’ll make someone look like an idiot while doing it.

Choose Your Robot Overlord Before the Machines Rise. #1

  Let’s face it.  Science Fiction has been so inspirational to our technological evolution that it appears to be prophetic.  Alright, our cars don’t fly and our skateboards don’t hover.  Personally I blame Big Oil and Tony Hawk.  However,  we have put people in really expensive tin cans and shot them into space.  Any day now we will begin terraforming Mars.  We have little communicators and tablets that work almost everywhere.  We have put buttons on the endangered species watch list.  Big brother is tracking us – Hi!  There is a new harbinger of world ending calamity each week.  Whether it is natural disasters or ego’s of men, it seems to only be a matter of time for the human race.  Science Fiction says our society won’t make it and machines will rise to replace it.  If I do say so myself, now is a great time to choose your future robot overlord and affiliate yourself to a brand.

  There are so many potential overlords to choose from, whether it be an OS, Web Browser or Web App.  Best of all, at the moment it is a buyers market!  All are quite literally tripping over one another to get  your hard earned dollar and  your valuable time.  All we need to do to make the switch from consumer to consumed is start picking.  I feel that diversity is important and will pick one from each of the three categories.  I don’t want to have all my eggs in one basket when the robots come for me.  Below is a glimpse and my criteria and process.  Let’s take this journey together!

Some food for thought:  

Operating System

  Want cybernetic implants and DNA spliced with a penguin?  Linux is your boy!

  Is having a good looking overlord important?  Like turtlenecks and smug attitudes?  Apple.

  Like playing games, bro?  Perhaps ease of use is important to you?  Windows.

  Web Browser

  Want to end it all in a hurry?  Internet explorer.

  Like being fast and cool?  Chrome.

  Like being not quite as fast but still cool?  Firefox

  Is anonymity important to, whoever you are?  Opera

Web Apps

  Fancy an overlord with ADD?  Get behind twitter.

  Like a overlord that will show you pictures of its ugly kids? facebook is for you.

  Enjoy having ADD and ugly kids in one place?  Try Google+