President Trump, Maybe We’ll Laugh

Brand spankin’ new! Over on the new blog.

Time Change and The Election (Fall Back and Go Stuff Yo’self!)

And one more you may have missed. If you were following the new blog, you would already know. Sorry, kind of grumpy. Read on to find out why.

The Never-Ending Campaign (Ahh-ahh-ahhh-aahh-aahh-aaaaahh)


Will this campaign ever end? November 8th can’t get here fast enough! I am absolutely tired of waiting to get this damn thing over with. In fact, I think everyone is! Who isn’t irritable and getting more frustrated by the second. Am I the only one tired of being barraged by snot nosed tattle-talings from both camps? If your mind isn’t already made up, then it never will be. Seriously, I have seen Canadians that, in a hypothetical scenario would both vote for the same candidate, fighting with each other. Enough is enough! Roll the credits! Warm up the bus!

I decided who I’m going to vote for a couple of weeks ago. Am I excited about it? Not really. To be honest, I can’t see how anyone is excited about this election. Even if they were in love with a candidate months ago, said candidate has been dragged through the mud and shown to be one of the worst people alive. Seriously, who wants either of the top two. They are ruined husks of their former selves. Spouting more rhetoric and tattling on one another. What about those other two? Short answer, “Who gives a shit?”

This is the downside of having campaigns drag on for two years. Familiarity breeds contempt. All the shit they hid and the shit they forgot they did comes to light. People are literally sifting through emails. Hoping to find Hillary’s demon summoning spell. Another group of sad sacks are spending time watching Donald Trump look less like The Annoying Orange as they travel back in time, to a period when he was only slightly physically repulsive.

Isn’t that funny? Trump’s tech vice shows how old he is. The bane of his technological existence is video. Not even HD video, this is that old crap from the nineties. The kind of stuff that was in a 4:3 aspect ratio and required bunny ears. Remember those TV’s? Sweet cheese pots, some of them were just as fat and heavy as Trump himself.

At least, Hillary is living proof that old people shouldn’t be on the internet. As fogies don’t seem to be able to wrap their heads around it. Unable to accept that it is a real and tangible part of our daily lives, they put all sorts of information everywhere, they don’t hide any of it, and they click every single pop up. Every! Single! Pop-up!

If Kim Kardashian really wanted to break the internet she would assemble a rougish five person team of old people. What did they do in a previous life? Demolitions expert? Green Beret? Accountant? Who cares because they can quite literally fuck technology up regardless of background. Just hand them some laptops and maybe a van to cruise around. That way they can pooch traffic while they are waiting for Yahoo tech support to get back to them.

So where was I? Right! The last few months haven’t helped me choose a candidate. Instead, it’s undermining my hopes for a better tomorrow. I don’t like either of them, but I prefer one over the other. In addition, it’s causing these two to not debate issues. Where’s climate change? Why are we still talking about abortion? Let it go already! That way, we can talk about more current issues that are causing some serious problems!

In fact, I still don’t know what Trump’s plans actually are. He just seems like a man who is going to drive to Ikea without asking for directions and is going to assemble that bookcase without reading the instructions. All while being a gluten chugging, Van Hagar favoring, plastic bamboo douche chute!

Oh well, just a few more weeks and it will all be over with. Then people can start with the “I told you so’s.” We can sign recount petitions. Maybe start this term’s birther movement. Until then, the tattles can keep coming. Concerned citizens everywhere are standing by with phones ready. Fully prepared to record, post and share the next example of debauchery that occurs. Just be sure to grab the torches and pitchforks before you start live tweeting!


Also, be sure to comment, like, and share.  You’re the best!

It’s The Great Orange F*ck Head Charlie Brown!

 Personally, I don’t get truly get it. The extent some people are willing to go because they are upset. I understand, there are a lot of things to be unsatisfied with. However, I don’t get a lot of the things that they are unsatisfied about. I also, cannot for the life of me, understand their proposed fix. Sure he is certainly not the status quo. Yet, he comes from the pool of status quo, more of a by-product of the status quo. Like the toxic bull shit from the Lake Eerie of the status quo. Like some sort of baby boomer mutant antisemite yam tempura roll that grew from said toxic bull shit. A powerful businessman, whose type has helped create the current situation people are wanting change from. He is exclusionary, incendiary, and, well, fucking racist. He’s been called the law and order candidate, even though he is surrounded by barely contained chaos. He says he will end terrorism, while scaring the shit out of people. He is Donald Trump, the official Republican nominee.   

 How is this possible? Well, a bunch of fucking militant hobbit like, shire dwellers let their ignorance and fear sweep over them. Projecting their small-town childhoods on the rest of the country. Remember when we didn’t have the talking pictures that showed all the violence? Remember when we had to subscribe to HBO and wait until the sun went down to get our jollies off? Remember when everyone was white and straight?

 To make matters worse, they are now trying to force their bullshit freedom encroaching ideas on the rest of us in the name of freedom. Because they are afraid of dying and afraid they aren’t free. Let me tell you, if nominating the great orange fuckhead as your candidate isn’t freedom, I don’t know what is.

  In this time of poorly defined patriotism, I really want to point out something. Basically, if I don’t whoop like a lobotomized idgit every time someone says, America, Freedom, or Toby Keith, then I apparently don’t love my country. So, I can’t say to my country, “Baby, those jeans make you look a little fat.” without a bunch of knobby so-called-patriots calling me out as unpatriotic. Yet, they can deliver a presidential candidate who is essentially all three vials of the lethal injection in one very convenient and racist package labeled orange juice. What the hell is actually wrong here? I love my country. I don’t want to have some loon in power. I don’t want the stereotypical loud, brash, fat, unattractive, self-centered, self-righteous, internationally ignorant, American as president.

 I can’t believe he has actually made it this far. Every step of the way people have said “It is a joke.” Whenever he says his latest crazy thing, people say “He isn’t serious,” as they try to reason that no one that close to power could be that crazy.

 He isn’t joking! People without senses of humor do not joke. He is a psychopath. He isn’t empathizing with you. He doesn’t care about you. He is only trying to help himself and his kind. All he is doing is appealing to the basest nature of our basest people and somehow looking like change to others.

 Sure, I will admit that he is change. He is different, but so is having sex with a rodeo clown. One of the ones that has to paint the smile on. One of the ones that insist on being called Louis L’Amour while being choked out. Afterward, the tears turn down the dial on the smile all the while “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy” repeats. Now that! Is fucking different! That! Is change! Best of all it won’t fuck the rest of us, just you.

Just because I’m bagging on O-range-and-Tang does not mean that I’m voting democrat. Although, my resolve is beginning to waiver.

Tales From The Presidential Suite

In my opinion, November can’t get here fast enough. The U.S. presidential campaign is out of control and anything but presidential. Both sides have gone absolutely nuts. Much of it is constant garbage. It’s like listening to ten year olds fight on the playground and vy for your affection at the same time. When this sort of thing happens in movies, it usually blows up in the ten year olds collective faces. However, for some reason it doesn’t seem to have the same effect on voters when it comes to the next president.

I find it highly irritating how both sides are basically rooting for their favorite sports team in a league comprised of two teams. Both have been around so long that there is an attitude of “My pappy voted for this team and my pappy’s pappy voted for this team.” No one is willing to even listen to what the other side is willing to bring to the table. The R or the D is simply read and the canned response is emitted.

Not that anyone really needs to listen. Because other than guns and religious matters, there isn’t much of a difference between these two parties. A majority of both have been bought out by lobbyists. Both have proliferated war and spying. Sure one is more likely to construct broad sweeping, ambiguously worded legislation while the other is more likely to strip it away. It’s like having one parent say, “Do whatever the fuck you want. Just go to church.” and the other parent say, “The last time we let you do whatever the fuck you wanted, you drew on the wall with a crayon. Now, we have confiscated all writing utensils from the house. Anyone caught with any sort of marking device will be sentenced to life in their bedroom without parole. And at least pretend you went to church!”

Of course these scenarios are undesirable by large majorities of the population. It has been proven time and time again that humans can’t, do whatever the fuck they want and not turn everything into a huge mess. At the same time, we are just one fecalpheliac away from realizing that everyone poops and that – in a pinch – poop makes a good writing utensil.

In some strategy room, a stoned eyed senator who realizes the severity of the situation will say, “My god, we will have to take away everyone’s butts.” Compliant nods will abound. Then the monumental and impossible task of confiscating butts will be unleashed. Of course, not one damn person in that meeting has any idea how to carry out this action. However, the lobbyist for the Butt Control Association, is a happy camper.

So what the hell can voters do? For starters, there are more than two teams and Bernie should have gone with one of those. Gary Johnson and Jill Stein seem like viable places to vote. They seem like reasonable human beings that can answer questions in a normal human way. With words. Not with redundancies and contradictions. Not with smirks as they feel like they successfully zinged the “only other” opponent.

Would it be great to have a woman president? Sure would! Would it be great to have “different” in office? Why not, the current system isn’t so hot. But not the two that are being offered as the only options. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Especially with two candidates who are changing the definition of presidential suite from “The big fancy room.” To “The room that is bloated, sweaty, has hidden cameras, burgeoning closets that are sealed, and the last resident quite possibly had a kill team order against them and they just checked out minutes before you walked in.”