World Vegan Day


It’s World Vegan Day today! I had no idea. As a simple vegetarian, I didn’t get the invite. I’m sure it got lost in the mail or something. I’ll go check the old inbox after this. Usually, on these made up holidays that aren’t recognized by the government, I post this little gem. However, I agree with this holiday. I think people and the world would be further ahead if we quit eating so much damn meat.

For me it isn’t even about people giving up meat cold tofurkey. It’s about reducing the intake. Talking people into not ordering meat sandwiches for lunch and then throwing half of it away. Driving home that meat doesn’t grow on trees. Making people realize that vegetables, seasonings, and sauces taste great and that meat tastes like iron, blood, and brown.

Don’t worry, I’m not one of the extreme types. There isn’t a militant bone in my body and my high horse is more of Shetland Pony* named Riverdance. In fact, one could say that “I’m the kind of vegetarian people want to drink a beer with.” And as long as that beer doesn’t contain fish bladder, bacon or whatever else over zealous meat eaters – in an attempt to experience meat at every juncture of their day – have put in beer, I’m down.

To further the point that I’m highly accepting and approachable, I’d like to share a story. A few years back I had a small bite of bacon. After not having meat for several years, I thought it was somewhat important to set foot back in The Den of Evil. To test myself and see if I was speaking the truth when I said I didn’t miss it. What I experienced was weird. The bacon was salty, gristly, smokey. The kind of salty smoked fat that makes foodies think they are fucking Gordon Ramsey when they toss a rasher on anything that would suck otherwise. My head spun at the thought of the life that had been lost in order for everyone to eat this bacon. How that life sucked.

The experience didn’t weaken me, it increased my resolve. It has been almost nine years since I cut out the meat. Yes, all meat, even in stocks and gravies. I don’t miss it and I feel great about it. When my wife and I became vegetarians we did it for ethical reasons. As the years went on environment and health benefits compounded on top of that. There are all sorts of great dishes that can be made. How couldn’t there be, when only one ingredient is missing?

I don’t need meat. You don’t need meat. We don’t need meat. It’s hard on the environment and our bodies. It doesn’t do all that much good. There are plenty of sources of protein, if muscle building is your thing. Quit leaning on that excuse because of your unoptimized diet and your weak sub-par will. Stop thinking it’s fine because everyone else is doing it. Your food habit is hurting so many beings that it is mind boggling. And when minds are boggled, senses of humor become uncalibrated. Everything becomes super serious. No one can tell if something is a joke or not.

Meat doesn’t make one funny. It does quite the opposite actually, making one think that “zingers” such as “plants have feelings,” and “I’m a meatetarian,” are funny. Jokes like that aren’t funny and are proof that you saw Paul Blart 2 in theaters. If you want to own up to that on top of slaughtering animals and being generally harder on the environment, then go right ahead, enjoy your burger. Tell yourself that it’s okay because you once thought about not eating meat, but decided it was too hard. Tell everyone that you’re an animal lover as you grind that cow between your teeth. Go crowd fund Paul Blart 4 on kickstarter. You’re already an asshole and a terrible human being.

“Ha ha! High-Ho Riverdance! Away!” Clop-baclop-baclop
*Can we even say Shetland Pony in this age of political correctness and the easily offended?


Remember to comment, share, and eat your vegetables.

The Meatrix

“Put your hands together for Blaaaaaaaake Sssssstaaaaaaannndaaaaarrrrd!” Some jack-ass announcer says. The stage is dark except the area where the podium is. A spotlight hits that region with an intensity that rivals the second coming. I scoot out carrying something bulky, but no one can tell what it is as their pupils are getting hammered by the exposure difference between the spotlight and the all encompassing dark. I enter the cone of light and deliver a swift yet sturdy kick to the podium. It topples with a thud. One more kick gets it mostly out of the light and I set down my load. A soap box.

With a wave to the audience that lets them know I am here for them I walk off stage and come back carrying a second soap box. After I stack it on top of the first, I gingerly scale my monument to the opinionated.

“Ef-em-el.” I mumble inaudibly as I realize that I forgot the microphone. I leap clear of my soap boxes and walk over to the toppled podium. The audience can barely see what I am doing, but they can hear the muffled thumps and squawks that come with the manhandling of a microphone. Now, fully prepared, once more and filled with more trepidation than last time, I mount the altar of shoddy engineering.

“I guess I need to work on my entrance!” Oh how the crowd yells, whoops, and whistles. For a moment I believe the force may topple me from atop my soap boxes. Ah, narcissism, you will be the death of me.

I am apologize in advance for some of what I am going to say. It is going to be tough, but sometimes you have to say the hard things. Meat eaters, fucking stop it! Slow it down at least. You are eating too much god damn meat. Oceans will deplete! Returns diminish on the resources put into slaughter animals. By that I mean, they aren’t really worth the investment. Grains used for feed could be used to feed a far greater number of people and the same can be said for water.

My wife and I stopped eating meat eight years ago. We both still have healthy sheens about our auras and have plenty of iron in our blood. Many other sources of protein exist. There is so much to eat in lieu of meat. You know, like everything else on the plate that isn’t meat.

For those of you that just can’t live without your meat, I dare you, I tetra dog dare you, to get it ethically sourced or to hunt it down yourself. That’s right, I am okay with hunting. You know why? Because you are getting off your asses and tracking down an animal and taking care of the whole process. You have to kill, you have to clean it. Maybe you have to take it to the butcher to help out with some of the steps. Either way, you have more respect for that animal and the process. Plus, you are going to probably eat less meat if that is your only source. Ration it out, spread it over a few months worth of meals. You don’t have to have meat every single meal.

Throw down the shackles of The Meatrix! Get out of the supermarket meat sections. Where animals live their entire lives in crowded pins. Before being shoved into slaughterhouses, hung upside down and have their throats slit. Before sea creatures are dragged out of oceans and plunked into tanks to wait for someone to come pick them out for the honor of being boiled alive. Yes, they are sentient and are aware they are in extremely hot water, they don’t get the gift of living in The Meatrix. The gift of living in a fantasy land where meat just mystically appears, with no pain or life connected to it. Are you to full to finish your sandwich, that is okay. Toss it the garbage there is plenty more meat where that came from.

Before I go, let me deflect some of your comments and questions so we can get down to the tofu and potatoes of this dialog. I don’t want to waste time on insipidity.

“What do we with all the extra animals.”

“Beats the shit out of me, I guess we just phase out production as to not have extra animals.”

“You mean you want to kill animals! Look everyone the vegetarian wants to kill animals!”

“That isn’t exactly what I said, I mean quit making heifers and what not shoot out more young. Sure there won’t be as many corporate farm raised critters, but that is okay. There lives fucking suck anyway!”

“Vegetables have feelings! Potatoes have faces! I am a meatatarian! (Fart sound as my tongue flicks saliva to and fro.)”

“Oh, you are so fucking original. No meat eater in the history of the world has ever said such cutting edge and avant garde humor as what I just heard. Sorry, I am being so sarcastic, my blood sugar is low.

“Your blood sugar is low because you don’t eat…”

(Cheek slaps and nose honks.)

Look I am sorry that I have come at y’all both barrells this morning, but it needed to be said. I needed desperately to get that off of my chest. The environment is going to hell in a handbasket and eating meat certainly isn’t helping. Rise to the occasion, make things better, I dare you. In the end it is about reduction. Any reduction helps.